WELCOME to Wednesday, September 2, 2015.
Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins…
Culled from real church bulletins, these amusing gaffs almost inspire us to attend church some time.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”
Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing service will be discontinued until further notice.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of “Blessed Assurance” will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning is “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight is “Searching for Jesus.”
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The cost for attending this week’s “Fasting and Prayer” conference includes meals.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. Please use the back door.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
This evening there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night—potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge—Up Yours.”
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.
We need volunteers for summer camp. There will be sinning and dancing.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.” –Benjamin Franklin
“Never eat more than you can lift.” –Miss Piggy
“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” –Mark Twain
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘I don’t even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.’
Answer: Wayne’s World! Wayne, after receiving the gun rack from Stacey, his estranged ex-girlfriend…aka the Psycho Hose Beast.
Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Most things in here don’t react well to bullets.’
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
For each group below, fill in the blanks with two words that differ only by their first letter.
1. Stop thinking over here. Go _ _ _ _ _ _ over _ _ _ _ _ _.
2. An untrained person could be killed in these woods, but there is little _ _ _ _ _ _ for a _ _ _ _ _ _.
3. Writing an “A” on your dish rag would make it a _ _ _ _ _ with a _ _ _ _ _.
ANSWER: 1. PONDER, YONDER 2. DANGER, RANGER 3. TOWEL, VOWEL
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Six letters have I, and many more;
One word tells what the others are for;
Conceal a thing is what I do;
So what am I? Need a clue?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/