Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, September 30, 2015.   

 More Clever Wise One-liners….

Clever wise One-liners

  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.A calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES FOR THE WEEKEND….      

 “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” 

–Maya Angelou 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 

–Mahatma Gandhi 

“There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun.” 

–Pablo Picasso 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters.  Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.Funny English Joke - Window

Hellloo………… Just because I have fair hair doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellloo? It’s been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot. Emoji

 

  

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘We think he may have Tourette’s, we’re looking into it.’

Answer: The Wedding Singer! Spoken by Adam Sandler to Angela Featherstone.  

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Welcome to the party, pal!’

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Construction of a stronger and more massive bell tower for the monastery to replace the one destroyed during the last civil strife with a neighboring lord was well underway when the old Monk visited the site. The Abbot showed the Monk the drawings and model for the three-bell tower. The Monk was impressed until he stood where the bell chamber would be and saw the spiral staircase in this medieval bell tower running the wrong direction (counterclockwise). 

“The staircase direction must be changed,” said the Old Monk. The Abbot looked at the staircase and agreed. Why?

ANSWER:  Spiral staircases in medieval castles, towers and Keeps were run clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand, which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs, giving clear advantage to the defenders. Many of the orders of clergy had military training in order to defend monasteries and Abbeys during the middle ages. 

Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil. 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Each group of words has one four letter prefix that fits in front of them to form another word or phrase. Can you figure out which word it is for each group?

1. Nail, man, out, ten

2. Sick, work, room, plate

3. Do, up, shift, believe

4. Range, shot, horn, bow

5. Back, baked, way, hour

6. Dress, band, ache, rest

7. Chair, jump, light, rise

8. Note, print, ball, step

9. Arm, fly, works, sale

 
 
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, September 29, 2015.   

Neologism – Alternate Meanings for Common Words

  • Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
  • Cantankerous(n), able to drive a tank.
  • Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
  • Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  • Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
  • Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
  • Defenestration (n.), Uninstalling Windows 7 and then installing Linux.
  • Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  • Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  • Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly
  • Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  • Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  • Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES FOR THE WEEKEND….      

“Today is the first day of fall! You can tell it’s getting colder, ‘cuz today I saw a rat on the subway trying to carry a pumpkin spice latte.” -Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope is coming to America. When the Pope’s plane lands in the United States, President Obama is going to be there to greet him. President Obama is going to be the guy at arrivals holding a sign that says ‘Pope.'” -Conan O’Brien

“A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.” -Seth Meyers  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife who was trying to feed her said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up and take some responsibility.”

My wife hasn’t asked me to help with her since.Emoji

 

  

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Life is pain, get used to it.’

Answer:  The Long Kiss Goodnight! Spoken by Geena Davis’ character, to her daughter.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘We think he may have Tourette’s, we’re looking into it.’

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) overweight dam builder & symptom of a sick flying mammal

2) bottom of the ocean & an insect-bitten dog has this

3) a cooking utensil & a nosy admirer

4) the person in charge of clocks and watches & the result of exposing silent actors to the sun 

  

ANSWER: 1) fat beaver & bat fever

2) sea floor & flea sore

3) frying pan & prying fan

4) man of the times & tan of the mimes 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Construction of a stronger and more massive bell tower for the monastery to replace the one destroyed during the last civil strife with a neighboring lord was well underway when the old Monk visited the site. The Abbot showed the Monk the drawings and model for the three-bell tower. The Monk was impressed until he stood where the bell chamber would be and saw the spiral staircase in this medieval bell tower running the wrong direction (counterclockwise). 

“The staircase direction must be changed,” said the Old Monk. The Abbot looked at the staircase and agreed. Why?

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, September 28, 2015. 

Collective nouns……………..

A jam of tarts

A sentence of judges

A load of cobblers

An expectation of midwives

An annoyance of neighbors

A melody of violinists

An impatience of wives

A conflagration of arsonists

An illusion of magicians 

An exaggeration of fishermen

A yearning of yesterdays

A ponder of philosophers

A nucleus of physicists

A portfolio of stockbrokers

A flush of plumbers

A corps of anatomists

A bodge of DIYers

A scoop of journalists

A decanter of publicans

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES FOR THE WEEKEND….      

“I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis’ visit. In addition to ‘no shaking hands,’ Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope’s visit. First, there’s ‘Don’t fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Yogi Berra, Hall of Fame catcher and manager for the Yankees and Mets, passed away last week at 90 years old. A great catcher and a great character. He had so many classic quotes. Yogi Berra is the guy who said, ’90 percent of the game is half mental.’ He also said, ‘It’s deja vu all over again,’ and ‘It ain’t over till it’s over.’ He was known as much for screwing up metaphors as he was for baseball. ” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A pair of Ohio teens were caught this weekend using a beer bong to drink full two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew. It’s a rare case where the punishment is the crime.” -Seth Meyers   

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s ed test as she’d hoped. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: “When the ___ is dead, the car won’t start.”

She wrote: “Driver.” 

  

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘That’s a picture one of my kids did. There’s Santa Claus, and there’s Mrs. Claus.’ ‘Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?’ ‘Eleven.’ 

Answer: Scrooged! Frank Cross and his secretary, Grace. (Frank tears the picture down.) 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Life is pain, get used to it.’

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

On the wing, the breeze seduced me.

Newly born to take my flight.

From the darkness I did rupture.

From my prison, wrapped up tight.

Come to rest on petals of brightness.

All can see, my change is cast.

I flutter by in paper lightness.

And my species, they are vast.

Darwin wrote of my pure beauty.

I’m collected, caught in nets.

Forever free to dance my duty.

Never kept as pets.

What am I?   

ANSWER: I’m a butterfly.  

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) overweight dam builder & symptom of a sick flying mammal

2) bottom of the ocean & an insect-bitten dog has this

3) a cooking utensil & a nosy admirer

4) the person in charge of clocks and watches & the result of exposing silent actors to the sun

 
 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT WORK BANKS! 
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LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, September 25, 2015.   

Lawyers Transcripts……..really…. 

Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer’s transcripts of real court cases.

Lawyer’s question: Have you lived in this town all your life? 

Witness’s answer: Not yet.

Lawyer’s Question: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? 

Defendant: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? 

A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name? 

A: Fowler

Q: What’s his first name? 

A: I can’t remember. 

Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name? 

A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? 

A: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name? 

A: Geraldine McNally

Q: And what is your marital status? 

A: Fair

Q: Are you married? 

A: No, I’m divorced. 

Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 

A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Lawyer’s question: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor? 

Witness’s answer: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.

Lawyer’s Question: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 

Defendant: No. 

Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears? 

A: Picking them up in the air. 

Q: Where was the dog at this time? 

A: Attached to the ears.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES FOR THE WEEKEND….    

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter 

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Robert Benchley   

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. Anthony Burgess  

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. Jane Wagner  

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin  

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. Samuel Johnson  

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln  

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. Albert Einstein  

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett  

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan  

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden  

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. Steven Wright  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. ‘Hello?’

‘Hello, is this FBI?’

‘Yes. What do you want?’

‘I’m calling to report my neighbor Graham. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.’ 

‘This will be noted.’

Next day, the FBI visit Graham’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave.

The phone then rings at Graham’s house. ‘Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?’ 

‘Yeah, they did.’

‘Did they chop your firewood?’ 

‘Yep, every piece.’

‘Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden dug.’ 

  

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘This is an incredibly romantic moment, and you’re ruining it here with me.’ 

Answer: Pretty in Pink! Ducky, persuading Andi to go after Blaine. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘That’s a picture one of my kids did. There’s Santa Claus, and there’s Mrs. Claus.’ ‘Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?’ ‘Eleven.’

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Here are some more well-known expressions rewritten into “Cliff-ese”. For those of you who don’t know what that means, he was a very wordy person on the TV show “Cheers” and never used a small word where a larger one would work. Try to figure out the phrases in simpler terms. 

1. Projecting short, loud, canine-like noises erroneously toward the top of an incorrect arboreal plant. 

2. To subject a slender illumination device to rapid carbonization on its antipodal points. 

3. To slay a brace of avian creatures with just a single petrous conglomeration. 

4. Like sending dense shelly concretions through the air to fall in front of stout-bodied, artiodactyl creatures.   

ANSWER:  1. Barking up the wrong tree.

2. Burn the candles at both ends. 

3. Kill two birds with one stone. 

4. Casting pearls before swine.

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

On the wing, the breeze seduced me.

Newly born to take my flight.

From the darkness I did rupture.

From my prison, wrapped up tight.

Come to rest on petals of brightness.

All can see, my change is cast.

I flutter by in paper lightness.

And my species, they are vast.

Darwin wrote of my pure beauty.

I’m collected, caught in nets.

Forever free to dance my duty.

Never kept as pets.

What am I?

 
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, September 24, 2015.   

Here’s the story……………. 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. 

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY      

“A ‘Toy Story’ fan in England changed his name to Buzz Lightyear and was then refused a driver’s license until he changed his name back. Said the man, ‘To infinity–and the bus!'” -Seth Meyers

“Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.” -Conan O’Brien

“A math blogger says he’s figured out ‘the world’s favorite number.’ It turns out that it’s 7. The least popular number? The fake phone number you get when you tell a girl you’re a math blogger.” -Jimmy Fallon  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

I was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men’s room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, “Please Wiggel Handel”. 

Below that some wit had written, “If I do, will it wiggel Bach?” 

  

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘You call yourself a patriot, and loyal subject to the crown?’  ‘I don’t call myself subject to much at all.’ 

Answer: Last of the Mohicans! Nathaniel’s argument with a British Lieutanant.  

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘This is an incredibly romantic moment, and you’re ruining it here with me.’

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Here are some well-known expressions rewritten into “Cliff-ese”. For those of you who don’t know what that means, he was a very wordy person on the TV show “Cheers” and never used a small word where a larger one would work. Try to figure out the phrases in simpler terms. 

1. To place a primitive agricultural conveyance in a position anterior to the animal Equus caballus.

2. It requires a number of people greater than one to perform a terpsichorean series of low dips and twisting steps on the toes. 

3. To accumulate an excess of temperature beneath a circular, tight-fitting clothing component. 

4. Emanating from a culinary vessel into a site of pyrogenic activity.   

ANSWER: 1. Putting the cart before the horse.

2. It takes two to tango.

3. Get hot under the collar.

4. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. 

 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Here are some more well-known expressions rewritten into “Cliff-ese”. For those of you who don’t know what that means, he was a very wordy person on the TV show “Cheers” and never used a small word where a larger one would work. Try to figure out the phrases in simpler terms. 

1. Projecting short, loud, canine-like noises erroneously toward the top of an incorrect arboreal plant. 

2. To subject a slender illumination device to rapid carbonization on its antipodal points. 

3. To slay a brace of avian creatures with just a single petrous conglomeration. 

4. Like sending dense shelly concretions through the air to fall in front of stout-bodied, artiodactyl creatures.

 
 
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, September 23, 2015.   

Thought Provoking Statements…………..

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY      

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” 

–Yogi Berra 

“If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.” 

–Samuel Goldwyn 

“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.” 

–Kin Hubbard  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed–driving his partner nuts. 

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!” 

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” 

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!” Emoji

  

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Maybe he took it while you were putting your clothes back on, dear.’ 

Answer:  Titanic! One of the few decent lines Cal gets in the movie.

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘You call yourself a patriot, and loyal subject to the crown?’

‘I don’t call myself subject to much at all.’

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Four of us are in your field

But our differences keep us at yield

First, a one that is no fool

Though he resembles a gardener’s tool

Next, one difficult to split in two

And a girl once had one as big as her shoe

Then, to the mind, one’s a lovely bonder

And truancy makes it grow fonder

Last, a stem connecting dots of three

Knowing all this, what are we?

  

ANSWER: The Four Suits in a Deck of Standard Playing Cards

The Spade is a gardener’s tool.

The Diamond is the hardest gem to break. “Little Girl and Queen” is a Mother Goose rhyme, in which the Queen gave the girl a large diamond for picking the Queen some roses.

The Heart bonds with the mind to form “love.” “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

The Club, or Clover, is three dots connected around a stem.  

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Here are some well-known expressions rewritten into “Cliff-ese”. For those of you who don’t know what that means, he was a very wordy person on the TV show “Cheers” and never used a small word where a larger one would work. Try to figure out the phrases in simpler terms. 

1. To place a primitive agricultural conveyance in a position anterior to the animal Equus caballus.

2. It requires a number of people greater than one to perform a terpsichorean series of low dips and twisting steps on the toes. 

3. To accumulate an excess of temperature beneath a circular, tight-fitting clothing component. 

4. Emanating from a culinary vessel into a site of pyrogenic activity.

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, September 22, 2015.   

Abbott and Costello Buy a Computer…….

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.  What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a  proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1”.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1”.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1” is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…….

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY      

 “Year, (noun) A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.” –Ambrose Bierce’s DEVIL’S DICTIONARY

“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” –Mark Twain

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

“Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”   

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? He’s fleeing the interview, he’s fleeing the interview!’ 

Answer: Fargo! Marge, to no one in particular.   

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Maybe he took it while you were putting your clothes back on, dear.’

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

David Van Gogh (pronounced “Go”) had many relatives. Can you guess by the clues who they are?

Example: His dizzy Aunt?

Answer: Verti-Gogh

How many other relatives can you guess?

A fruit loving cousin? 

The Grandfather from Yugoslavia? 

The cousin from Illinois? 

His Mexican cousin? 

His Great Grandfather who drove a stage coach? 

The ballroom dancing aunt? 

The bird lover Uncle? 

A sister who loved disco? 

And his niece who travels the country in a van?   

ANSWER: A fruit loving cousin: Man-Gogh 

The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U-Gogh 

The cousin from Illinois: Chica-Gogh 

His Mexican cousin: Amee-Gogh 

His Great Grandfather who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar-Gogh 

The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan-Gogh 

The bird lover uncle: Flamin-Gogh

A sister who loved disco: Go-Gogh 

And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay-Gogh  

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Four of us are in your field

But our differences keep us at yield

First, a one that is no fool

Though he resembles a gardener’s tool

Next, one difficult to split in two

And a girl once had one as big as her shoe

Then, to the mind, one’s a lovely bonder

And truancy makes it grow fonder

Last, a stem connecting dots of three

Knowing all this, what are we?

 
 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com