Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, August 3, 2015.   

Actual Lines from Resumes……

Job hunting can provide us with some interesting challenges. It can also provide us with some entertainment. The following are excerpts from real resumes and cover letters. Let the ridicule and/or pity begin.

It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales. 

Graduated in the top 66% of my class. 

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed—a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 – May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English. 

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

Special skills: Thyping.

My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.

I can play well with others.

Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.

Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.

I can drive heavy duty equipment and trucks up to 25 feet without getting lost.

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.

Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.

Special skills: I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.

Special skills: Highly proficient at vacuuming, dusting and moping.

Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

Work best with kids five and under.

Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.

I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years.

Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.

I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.

Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.

I’m inquiring as to weather or not you have any jobs open.

Experience: Completed semester project with a classmate of mind.

While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.

My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.

Hire me and you won’t regret it—I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.

Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.

Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.

Duties: Constant oversight of kennel operations.

Other: Joined the Air Force in 1776.

Vocational plans: Sea World.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It’s perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun.” -Conan O’Brien

“A teen couple has won over $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits. They made their prom outfits entirely from duct tape. Unfortunately, they had to spend it all on hospital bills after taking the outfits off.” -Seth Meyers 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

One cold night my furnace died, so I went to my parents’ house. In the morning, a neighbor called to tell me that my water pipes had burst and flooded my town house and hers. I raced home and on the way got a speeding ticket.

Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me he didn’t think he had the proper fuse but would check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak.

When the furnace repairman returned, he held aloft a fuse. “I had the right one after all,” he said triumphantly. “This must be your lucky day.”  

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “OBJECTION! This court is after the truth. Not the opinion of the defendant’s father.” “You want my opinion? My son is a moron.” “I withdraw my objection, please proceed.”  

Answer: Big Daddy! The procecutor says this to the judge while Sonny is on trail for everything that went on while Kevin was away. Sonny says he wants his father to question him and that’s what was said.  

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Where is he, your mother!” 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Feed, good, and kiss are 3 examples of words with double letters. Use the clues and fill in the blanks to find words with consecutive double letters. Remember, these words have 2 sets of double letters in a row!

1. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a…

B _ _ _ _ _ N

2. Body modification.

T _ _ _ _ O

3. A Group of people.

C _ _ _ _ _ _ _ E

4. Acuteness or acumen.

K _ _ _ _ _ _ S

—Experts Only!—

5. Kangaroos, dingos, and kookaburras!

C _ _ _ E 

ANSWER: 1. Balloon

Clue: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a…

The first balloon was invented in 1709. Now, balloons are used as an airship design, in celebrations, and even in medicine! Military use of the balloon first occurred in the American Civil War in map-making and in signaling armies. Now, hot air balloons can be seen and ridden during parades and festivals.

2. Tattoo

Clue: Body Modification 

Tattooing is a form of body modification. Many cultures all over the world practice tattooing. The first tattoos were found on ancient Egyptian mummies and on “Otzi the Iceman,” who was found frozen in the Italian Alps!

3. Committee

Clue: A group of people.

Committees are often formed when a group of people need to make a decision. They can range in size from just a few people to a very large group of people. The most well-known examples of committees are in government where committees are delegated to decide on legislation.

4. Keenness

Clue: Acuteness or acumen.

Keenness is a synonym for acuteness, acumen, brilliance, cleverness, and other similar words. The word ‘keen’ comes from an Old English word that means brave.

5. Cooee

Clue: Kangaroos, dingos, and kookaburras!

Cooee is a chant used in the Australian Outback. It is usually shouted to attract attention, indicate one’s location, or find missing people. Sherlock Holmes used his knowledge of this word to solve “The Boscombe Valley Mystery.” (Written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle).  

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

My great-grandmother was exceptional from first to last. She was the first baby born in the state in 1851. She was almost the first centenarian in the family, but she died in 1950, one day before her 100th birthday.

The cause of her death was not unusual; thousands of people died of the same cause that year and also in previous years. Her death was exceptional because she was the last person ever to die from that cause in the United States.

What was the cause of death?

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

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