Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, August 31, 2015.    

The Top 45 Oxymorons……

45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Good grief

39. Same difference

38. Almost exactly

37. Government organization

36. Sanitary landfill

35. Alone together

34. Legally drunk

33. Silent scream

32. Living dead

31. Small crowd

30. Business ethics

29. Soft rock

28. Butt Head

27. Military Intelligence

26. Software documentation

25. New York culture

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Childproof

21. “Now, then …”

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

09. Political science

08. Tight slacks

07. Definite maybe

06. Pretty ugly

05. Twelve-ounce pound cake

04. Diet ice cream

03. Working vacation

02. Exact estimate & the top OXY-Moron

01. Microsoft WorksEmoji

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“Friday was national dog day. Dogs, as you’re probably aware, were widely considered to be man’s best friend, until 2007 when the iPhone was invented to replace it.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, ‘Timmy.'” -Conan O’Brien

“A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.” -Seth Meyers 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.  To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.  “Could that have been a tip?” I asked, trying not to sound accusatory. “Yep,” he replied proudly. “not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!” 

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘We’ll never survive.’  ‘Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.’ 

Answer: The Princess Bride! Westley and Buttercup, just before entering the Fire Swamp.  

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Time’s up. Three bucks off.’

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

In this teaser, you have to find the odd ones out in the groups of words. BUT WAIT! There’s a catch. Each group of words has TWO words which do not belong. Can you find them both?

EXAMPLE: 

Lily – Jane – Tulip – Rose

Jane does not belong as it’s the only one which is not a flower.

Tulip also does not belong because it’s the only one which is not a girl’s name.

You’re on your own for the rest!

1. Dodge – Ford – Lincoln – Hoover

2. King – Earl – Knight – Bishop

3. Yellow – Green – Dead – Black  

ANSWER: 1. Hoover does not belong as it’s the only one which is not a car manufacturer. Dodge does not belong as it’s the only one which is not the last name of a President of USA.

2. Bishop does not belong as it’s the only one which is not a class of nobility. Earl does not belong as it’s the only one which is not a Chess piece.

3. Dead does not belong as it’s the only one which is not a color. Green does not belong as it’s the only one which is not the name of a sea.  

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

A clock has 60 lines on it; one at each minute interval. Everyone knows that the hour and minute hands point to the same line at 12:00. Can you figure out what time it is for these situations?

1. The hour hand is exactly on one line, and the minute hand is exactly on the NEXT line.

2. The hour hand is exactly on one line, and the minute hand is exactly on the PREVIOUS line.

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! SUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

 
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Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, August 28, 2015.  

Real Church Typos….

Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Thursday night-potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of 

David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julie Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting at the south and north ends of the 

church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing “Put Me in My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5 PM will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to became Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water”. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The associate minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last 

Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge — Up Yours.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life. William Morris   

But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. Elizabeth Edwards  

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.  C. S. Lewis  

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart. Mahatma Gandhi 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?” The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!” 

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘I’m not worthless. And I don’t have fleas.’ 

Answer: Aladdin! Aladdin to the prince just before the prince entered the gates of the palace.  

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘We’ll never survive.’

‘Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.’

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

A man worked for a high-security institution, and one day he went in to work only to find that he could not log in to his computer terminal. His password wouldn’t work. Then he remembered that the passwords are reset every month for security purposes. So he went to his boss and they had this conversation:

Man-“Hey boss, my password is out of date.”

Boss-“Yes, that’s right. The password is different, but if you listen carefully you should be able to figure out the new one: It has the same amount of letters as your old password, but only four of the letters are the same.”

Man: “Thanks boss.”

With that, he went and correctly logged into his station. 

What was the new password?

BONUS: What was his old password?  

ANSWER:  The old one was : Out of date

The new one is: Different

He said: My password is “Out of date.” And the boss told him the new one when he said: “The password is different.”

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

In this teaser, you have to find the odd ones out in the groups of words. BUT WAIT! There’s a catch. Each group of words has TWO words which do not belong. Can you find them both?

EXAMPLE: 

Lily – Jane – Tulip – Rose

Jane does not belong as it’s the only one which is not a flower.

Tulip also does not belong because it’s the only one which is not a girl’s name.

You’re on your own for the rest!

1. Dodge – Ford – Lincoln – Hoover

2. King – Earl – Knight – Bishop

3. Yellow – Green – Dead – Black

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, August 27, 2015.   

BRAND New Words……

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting a date.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an idiot.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“On the new season of ‘Sesame Street,’ Cookie Monster will do a segment where he urges kids to eat healthy. The segment ends with Cookie Monster looking off-camera and asking, ‘Now you let Cookie Monster’s wife and kids go?'” -Conan O’Brien

“A man was arrested at Denver International Airport yesterday for running onto the tarmac to try and stop a plane after he missed his flight on the way to his high school reunion. He was heard screaming after the plane, ‘But I lost all the weight!'” -Seth Meyers

“The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it’s a little frustrating when you try to text, ‘Burglar! Please hurry!,’ and it auto-corrects to, ‘Burger, please. Hungry.'” -Jimmy Fallon 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A police officer called the station on his radio. 

“I have a bit of a problem here. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“What’s the problem?” came the response. “Have you arrested the woman yet?”

“Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”  

 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘Not a brass farthing.’  

Answer: My Fair Lady! The response of most people to Alfred P. Doolittle, who often wanted money for beer. 

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  ‘I’m not worthless. And I don’t have fleas.’

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

 If you’re good at solving puzzles, these will be easy. Every answer is a two-word phrase in which the first word begins with “BE” and the second with “ST”.

Ex: A fairy tale is a popular one.

BE_ _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _

BEDTIME STORY

1.)Nickname for Utah.

BE_ _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _

2.)One jewel of horse racing’s Triple Crown.

BE_ _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _ _

3.)Cause of red bump on the skin.

BE_ ST_ _ _

4.)What separates Alaska from Russia.

BE _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _ _

5.)Star of “Zoolander” and “Meet the Fockers”.

BE_ ST_ _ _ _ _

6.)Once a giant among the United States’ metal manufacturers.

BE_ _ _ _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _  

ANSWER:  1.)Beehive State  2.)Belmont Stakes  3.)Bee Sting  4.)Bering Strait  5.)Ben Stiller  6.)Bethlehem Steel

 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

A man worked for a high-security institution, and one day he went in to work only to find that he could not log in to his computer terminal. His password wouldn’t work. Then he remembered that the passwords are reset every month for security purposes. So he went to his boss and they had this conversation:

Man-“Hey boss, my password is out of date.”

Boss-“Yes, that’s right. The password is different, but if you listen carefully you should be able to figure out the new one: It has the same amount of letters as your old password, but only four of the letters are the same.”

Man: “Thanks boss.”

With that, he went and correctly logged into his station. 

What was the new password?

BONUS: What was his old password?

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! BRILLIANT SOLVING WORK BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 26, 2015.   

INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS………

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute…I’ll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step-blaming my parents.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life. William Morris   

But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. Elizabeth Edwards 

The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls. – Pablo Picasso   

Right now I am trying to be in a place of calm, a place where I can chill out and then handle the chaos of life better. You don’t just get it overnight; you have to work at it. It’s a daily struggle. Jackee Harry  

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart. Mahatma Gandhi  

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.  Zig Ziglar  

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become. C. S. Lewis  

That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. Elizabeth Wurtzel  

The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine. Mike Murdock  

I think a role model is a mentor – someone you see on a daily basis, and you learn from them. Denzel Washington 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

 A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey. 

 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘Pride. Pride’s a weakness.’ ‘Personally, I would prefer stupidity.’  

Answer: The Patriot! Mel Gibson after reading the journal of General Cornwallis. The response was given by the French officer.

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Not a brass farthing.’

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

If you balanced a broom horizontally on your finger, so that your finger was exactly on the broom’s center of gravity, marked that spot and cut the broom in two, then you would have a long and a short piece. The long piece being most of the handle and the short piece being the bristle end and a small part of the handle. Now what will happen if you weigh both pieces? (pick all that apply)

A) The short piece will weigh more.

B) The long piece will weigh more.

C) Both will weigh the same.

D) Your mom will find out and hit you with both pieces!    

ANSWER: A) The short piece will weigh more! This is due to the torque needed to hold the long piece up. It is the same reason a heavy kid has to sit closer in on a see-saw when he is on it with a lighter friend. Oh yeah, D) may also be correct depending on your mother’s temperament. 

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

If you’re good at solving puzzles, these will be easy. Every answer is a two-word phrase in which the first word begins with “BE” and the second with “ST”.

Ex: A fairy tale is a popular one.

BE_ _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _

BEDTIME STORY

1.)Nickname for Utah.

BE_ _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _

2.)One jewel of horse racing’s Triple Crown.

BE_ _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _ _

3.)Cause of red bump on the skin.

BE_ ST_ _ _

4.)What separates Alaska from Russia.

BE _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _ _

5.)Star of “Zoolander” and “Meet the Fockers”.

BE_ ST_ _ _ _ _

6.)Once a giant among the United States’ metal manufacturers.

BE_ _ _ _ _ _ _ ST_ _ _

 

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 25, 2015.   

Out of the Mouths of Babes…….

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The Mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.” 

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you… 

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for “the children’s sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?” The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a *itch to iron.” 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.” 

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?” 

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?” 

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.” How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.” 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.” 

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?” 

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?” 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “but no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.” 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“For a lot of children, the party known as summer is over. Don’t worry, kids. School will end eventually and then you’ll get to go to a different kind of school called work, and it only ends when you get old and die.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A company is developing an elevator that can take you into space. Don’t you hate it when you’re going to Jupiter and someone gets on the elevator and presses ‘Mars’?” -Conan O’Brien

“A New Jersey restaurant is offering a special menu this month that doesn’t list prices, but instead asks customers to pay what they think is fair. According to the sign in the window, the restaurant is called ‘This Space for Rent.'” -Seth Meyers 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

The best illustration of the value of brief speech was given by Mark Twain.

His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars… after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars…after a half hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars.

At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars. 

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘At last we meet; for the 

first time, for the last time.’ 

Answer: Spaceballs! Lone Star to Dark Helmet inside Mega-Maid in the room with the self-destruct button.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Pride. Pride’s a weakness.’ ‘Personally, I would prefer stupidity.’

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Female kangaroos carry their young (joeys) in a pouch. Likewise, kangaroo words contain another word (a joey) within themselves. A joey word is a synonym of the kangaroo word, and the letters must be in the same order.

Example: “rapscallion” contains the word “rascal”: RApSCALlion

See if you can find the joey words in these kangaroo words:

1. because

2. astound

3. municipality

4. charisma

5. damsel

See if you can find two joey words in this kangaroo word:

6. masculine    

ANSWER: 1. as (becAuSe)

2. stun (aSToUNd)

3. city (muniCIpaliTY)

4. charm (CHARisMa)

5. dame (DAMsEl)

6. male / man (MAscuLinE / MAsculiNe) 

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

If you balanced a broom horizontally on your finger, so that your finger was exactly on the broom’s center of gravity, marked that spot and cut the broom in two, then you would have a long and a short piece. The long piece being most of the handle and the short piece being the bristle end and a small part of the handle. Now what will happen if you weigh both pieces? (pick all that apply)

A) The short piece will weigh more.

B) The long piece will weigh more.

C) Both will weigh the same.

D) Your mom will find out and hit you with both pieces!

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, August 24, 2015.    

Physics 101………..

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“According to a new survey, about half of the world thinks kissing is gross. That half is known as ‘married people.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero.” -Conan O’Brien

“A winery in France is currently facing a rose shortage. For those of you not familiar with these terms, a winery is a group of women who have run out of rose.” -Seth Meyers  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over.

I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. 

Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. 

On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and twisted my ankle.

When I limped into the kitchen, covered in dust and blood, my wife took one look and said, “Those better not be your good pants!” Emoji 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘I’m a god. I’m not ‘the’ God. I’m ‘a’ god.’ 

Answer: Groundhog Day! Bill Murray explaining his predicament about halfway through the movie. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘At last we meet; for the first time, for the last time.’

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

It roars like thunder, 

And rises higher, 

While breathing fire, 

This wingless wonder. 

If it leaves its cave,

Drags us in its tail,

Over hill and dale,

Then you must be brave.

Early morning flight,

Silently it flies,

Slowly in the skies.

Hides before the night.

My kingdom at least,

To the brave young knight,

If you name it right.

What is this huge beast?   

ANSWER: A Hot Air balloon.   

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Female kangaroos carry their young (joeys) in a pouch. Likewise, kangaroo words contain another word (a joey) within themselves. A joey word is a synonym of the kangaroo word, and the letters must be in the same order.

Example: “rapscallion” contains the word “rascal”: RApSCALlion

See if you can find the joey words in these kangaroo words:

1. because

2. astound

3. municipality

4. charisma

5. damsel

See if you can find two joey words in this kangaroo word:

6. masculine

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, August 21, 2015.  

Rules of the Air………..

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing is what’s dangerous.

It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you’ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you’ve made.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly 

you are doing the impossible. Francis of Assisi 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – 

they must be felt with the heart. – Helen Keller  

I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.  Jimmy Dean 

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence. – Vince Lombardi 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face. 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘He gave Jenny… the huggies!’

Answer: The muppets take manhattan! Miss Piggy confronts Kermit in the park after she sees him hugging his friend Jenny. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘I’m a god. I’m not ‘the’ God. I’m ‘a’ god.’

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you find the eleven hidden colors in the following paragraph: 

Many injured animals are invited to live at the ‘Toronto Range’. Stop in kangaroo corner and marvel at the lovely creatures within. Dig over the potato patch to find small furry caterpillars, but don’t yell! Owls can be found swooping for edible rodents, earwigs or perhaps bluebottles in the undergrowth. The brown bear, Rob, lacks grace and may look like an ogre, enter at your own risk! Peacocks can be found showing their colourful wares, which look fantastic when viewed with our ultraviolet torch. 

   

ANSWER:  Many inju(red) animals are invited t(o live) at the ‘Toront(o Range)’. Sto(p in k)angaroo corner and marvel at the lovely creatures with(in. Dig o)ver the potato patch to find small furry caterpillars, but don’t (yell! Ow)ls can be found swooping fo(r ed)ible rodents, earwigs or perhaps (blue)bottles in the undergrowth. The (brown) bear, Ro(b, lack)s grace and may look like an o(gre, en)ter at your own risk! Peacocks can be found showing their colorful wares, which look fantastic when viewed with our ultra(violet) torch. 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

It roars like thunder, 

And rises higher, 

While breathing fire, 

This wingless wonder. 

If it leaves its cave,

Drags us in its tail,

Over hill and dale,

Then you must be brave.

Early morning flight,

Silently it flies,

Slowly in the skies.

Hides before the night.

My kingdom at least,

To the brave young knight,

If you name it right.

What is this huge beast?

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com