Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, July 28, 2015.   

Ponder These for Tuesday……

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? 

Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these 

dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, 

which no decent human being would eat? 

When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their 

crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner? 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“A new study found that overweight men are more likely to have children with weight problems. Or in other words, if you get your dad’s genes, you’re also going to get his sweatpants.” -Jimmy Fallon

“The Museum of the Moving Image in New York is opening a new exhibit dedicated to cats that are famous on the internet. So if you love the internet, and you love cats, you’re probably not making it out of the house.” -Seth Meyers

“A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.” -Conan O’Brien  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. 

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.  

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Dawn, honey, so glad you made it on time darling cuz you got some splainin’ to do.”  

Answer: Swimming With Sharks! This quote is from “Swimming with Sharks.” Kevin Spacey works as a movie executive who has been sleeping with his assistant’s girlfriend for years. The two had planned for her to come to Kevin’s house at midnight and when her boyfriend finds out he goes over and beats Kevin and tortures him. This is what Kevin says when the woman finally gets there. The end of the quote was said in a Ricky Ricardo accent.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I’m Robin Hood. I steal from the rich and give to the needy.” “You mean the poor.” “No, I mean the needy. Cuz brother we NEED this car.” 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Which one of the following words does not belong with the other six?

Issue

Mishap

Parachute

Ocean

Semiconscious

Anxious

Mansion  

ANSWER: Mishap is the misfit.  The other six words, and the three in the title, all contain the ‘sh’ sound – which is spelled in nine different ways!  Ironically, the word which does contain -sh- is not pronounced ‘sh’! ‘Schedule’ would count as another spelling of the same sound, depending on which side of the Atlantic you studied!  

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you decipher these common Christmas Carols? 

1. Happiness to the Global Ecosystem 

2. Small male percussionist 

3. I am experiencing nocturnal visions of a colorless holiday 

4. Festoon the Corridors 

5. A Non-summer fairytale area 

6. Oh holiday conifer 

7. Ten plus two twenty-four hour periods of holiday festivity 

8. Hey tiny city in Israel 

9. In a remote location in a barn stall

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji EmojiEmoji 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

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