Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, July 27, 2015.   

Monday’s pondering………

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said 

if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“A new study found that people with a lot of phobias are more likely to have health problems. Or as those people put it, ‘I was afraid of that.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive, so he had his 9-year-old daughter drive their van for him. Yeah. As he was being arrested, he told the girl, ‘I’m going to need a lawyer. Go get your little brother.'” -Conan O’Brien

“We are in the worst drought in 56 years. That seems unbelievably negative. Wouldn’t that be the best drought?” -Jimmy Kimmel  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned. Susie said, “He was born in a manger.” Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.”  Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.”  Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?” “From my Daddy,” said Johnny. “Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, ‘Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?'”   

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Because you told me the first time that I met you that you didn’t gobble and you didn’t lie. Well I don’t [care] if you gobble but don’t you ever lie to me again. Because I’ll forgive you once, but I won’t forgive you twice.”   

Answer: White Palace! “White Palace” was a great movie! It starred Susan Sarandon and James Spader. Nora (Sarandon) told Max (Spader) this after she caught him lying to her about where he’d been. She thought he was ashamed to take her around his friends.  

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Dawn, honey, so glad you made it on time darling cuz you got some splainin’ to do.”

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I am seen through many eyes.

Even the blind see me.

Through me, nothing is impossible.

Many stories come from within me.

Time can hold still, or move at the speed of light.

The unthinkable comes to life in me.

I am a wondrous world full of life, or even death.

Love can rule, and hate fades out of the picture.

Peace can be found throughout and no wars.

It is within me where only I can control; no one else can.

I am a place that no one can take from you. 

What am I?    

ANSWER:  Your imagination. 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Which one of the following words does not belong with the other six?

Issue

Mishap

Parachute

Ocean

Semiconscious

Anxious

Mansion

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

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