Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏


WELCOME to Tuesday, July 7, 2015.    


1. No matter what my problem is, it’s the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won’t he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I have a prolongued fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

5. My arch-enemy will bear uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

6. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a flesh wound, which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

7. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

8. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

9. If I’m asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

10. If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Ju-jitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.

11. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, “When’s the last time you got any sleep?” They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!



“I think all these storms are God’s way of sending us a message. I think that message is that when warm humid air masses surge northward from the Gulf of Mexico and combine with a strong jet stream, it can result in severe weather conditions.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, ‘Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“A newly released email reveals that Hillary Clinton said to a co-worker, ‘I heard on the radio there’s a cabinet meeting. Can I go?’ In another email she said she found out about the debt ceiling from Smooth Jazz 94.7.” -Conan O’Brien  


G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee. As I hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.  When he saw me he shouted, “What are potato chips doing all over the bed!?”  


Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Just remember, kid: there are heroes, and there are legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.’ 

Answer: The Sandlot! Ahh, what a classic… the parts with The Beast are my favorites!  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘If you only dream when you’re asleep, then when you wake up, there’s still nothing there.’


Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Answer the clues with a pair of rhyming words.

(plump feline = fat cat)

1. unadorned necklace

2. happy fellow

3. old story

4. dim enamel

5. timid gnat

6. colorless shellfish

7. big boat 

ANSWER: 1. plain chain  2. glad lad   3. stale tale  4. faint paint   5. shy fly  6. drab crab  7. large barge  


Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

I hover out there in darkness unseen.

I will shred things to pieces ’till they’re just smithereens.

I might serve as a gateway to places unspoken,

Yet I’m sealed off to man, forever unbroken.

I twist and distort, only darkness escapes,

I destroy all I find

Whatever I take.



Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org



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