Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, July 31, 2015.   

Amusing Proverbs…….

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

To avoid duplication, make three copies.

It’s called “take home” pay because you can’t afford to go anywhere else with it.

Success is relative—the greater the success, the more relatives.

Anyone can be a winner—unless, of course, there’s a second entry.

The slower you work, the fewer mistakes you make.

If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will.

If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

You must have learned from others’ mistakes. You haven’t had time to think all those up yourself.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

People like criticism—just keep it positive and flattering.

It’s OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.

Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

When you’re getting kicked from behind, that means you’re in front.

Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

The world is full of willing people—some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.

A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Most people deserve each other.

All the good ones, no matter what it is, are taken.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount of money spent on the wedding.

The gifts you buy your spouse are never as good and apropos as the gifts your neighbor buys their spouse.

Never get overly excited about a man/woman by just the way they look from behind.

If you help a relative in need they will remember you the next time they are in need.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases greatly when you are out with someone you do not want to be seen with.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” (A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” (H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927)

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” (Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies) 

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” (Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962)

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” (Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929)

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” (Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre)

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” (Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899)

“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.” (Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project)

“This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He’s doomed.” (Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast)

“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.” (Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television)

“If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.” (Dr. W.C. Heuper of the National Cancer Institute, as quoted in the New York Times on April 14, 1954)

“For the majority of people, smoking has a beneficial effect.” (Dr. Ian G. Macdonald, Los Angeles surgeon, quoted in Newsweek, November 8, 1963) 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” 

The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” 

“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. 

To which the dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”  

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “My brother likes you. He usually doesn’t like anybody.” 

Answer: Fast and the Furious! Mia says this to Brian about Dom when they first meet.  

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “OBJECTION! This court is after the truth. Not the opinion of the defendant’s father.” “You want my opinion? My son is a moron.” “I withdraw my objection, please proceed.” 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

 Swaff is sitting at his desk, being cool, when his younger brother Geemiee walks up. Geemiee had recently been practicing his (fake) magical powers, trying to turn cheese into more cheese, so he believes he can beat Swaff in anything. He sets up a little competition, the first to get 5 ounces of water to freeze, will be proclaimed the coolest guy in their home.

They set up some rules, as follows:

-They both can only use normal water that comes out of their stainless steel faucet.

-They both use identical containers

-They both must use the same freezer, at the same time.

Now, Swaff realizes that if he were to lose, he would become less cool, he just doesn’t roll like that. So, how can Swaff have the best chance of winning over Geemiee? 

ANSWER: All Swaff has to do in order to be the winner is use hot water. Geemiee, being less cool than Swaff, didn’t know that water with a hot average temperature freezes faster than water that is at room temperature. The phenomenon that hot water may freeze faster than cold is often called the Mpemba effect.   

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Feed, good, and kiss are 3 examples of words with double letters. Use the clues and fill in the blanks to find words with consecutive double letters. Remember, these words have 2 sets of double letters in a row!

1. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a…

B _ _ _ _ _ N

2. Body modification.

T _ _ _ _ O

3. A Group of people.

C _ _ _ _ _ _ _ E

4. Acuteness or acumen.

K _ _ _ _ _ _ S

—Experts Only!—

5. Kangaroos, dingos, and kookaburras!

C _ _ _ E

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.Godlovespraise.com.

 

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Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, July 30, 2015.   

Courtroom Quotes…..

The following comments & questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide…really!

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.Emoji

 

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you? 

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I’ll be three months on November 8.

Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” (General William Westmoreland)

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund–he was attempting to quote the line “a mind is a terrible thing to waste.”)

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.” (Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin) 

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

“There’s no such thing as a tough child–if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.” (W.C. Fields)

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” (Popular Mechanics, 1949)

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” (Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943)

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” (The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957)

“But what … is it good for?” (Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip)

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977)

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” (Western Union internal memo, 1876)

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” (David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s)  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”  “Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”  

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I don’t believe it, you want to have sex with him!”   

Answer: The Ref! This was said by Kevin Spacey in “The Ref”. He said it to his wife as they were tied up and she was being nice and sweet to the man holding them hostage. She had been unfaithful so he would make smart remarks about it a lot. It’s a funny movie.  

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “My brother likes you. He usually doesn’t like anybody.”

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

An antigram is an anagram which has a meaning opposite to its unscrambled version.

Try these:

EVIL’S AGENTS

REAL FUN

NICE LOVE

NO MORE STARS 

ANSWER:  EVANGELISTS  FUNERAL   VIOLENCE  ASTRONOMERS 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Swaff is sitting at his desk, being cool, when his younger brother Geemiee walks up. Geemiee had recently been practicing his (fake) magical powers, trying to turn cheese into more cheese, so he believes he can beat Swaff in anything. He sets up a little competition, the first to get 5 ounces of water to freeze, will be proclaimed the coolest guy in their home.

They set up some rules, as follows:

-They both can only use normal water that comes out of their stainless steel faucet.

-They both use identical containers

-They both must use the same freezer, at the same time.

Now, Swaff realizes that if he were to lose, he would become less cool, he just doesn’t roll like that. So, how can Swaff have the best chance of winning over Geemiee?

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS. GREAT JOB BANKS! 

EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, July 29, 2015.   

Steven Wright Thoughts..

All the plants in my house are dead–I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.”

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”

Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn’t know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn’t a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It’s a fine night to have an evening.

I wrote a few children’s books… Not on purpose.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store… With a pricing gun… She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”

While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it… It feels real.”

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… So I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” –Albert Einstein 

“Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature’s inexorable imperative.” –H. G. Wells 

“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” –Bob Hope   

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.  

 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I’m Robin Hood. I steal from the rich and give to the needy.” “You mean the poor.” “No, I mean the needy. Cuz brother we NEED this car.”  

Answer: Gone in Sixty Seconds! This movie starred many great actors, including Nicolas Cage, Will Patton, Giovanni Ribisi, Angelina Jolie and Scott Caan. I loved this movie. This was said between two of the “boosters” as they were stealing one of the cars on the list.  

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I don’t believe it, you want to 

have sex with him!”

 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you decipher these common Christmas Carols? 

1. Happiness to the Global Ecosystem 

2. Small male percussionist 

3. I am experiencing nocturnal visions of a colorless holiday 

4. Festoon the Corridors 

5. A Non-summer fairytale area 

6. Oh holiday conifer 

7. Ten plus two twenty-four hour periods of holiday festivity 

8. Hey tiny city in Israel 

9. In a remote location in a barn stall 

ANSWER: 1. Joy to the World  2. Little Drummer Boy  3. I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas  4. Deck the Halls   5. Winter Wonderland 

6. Oh Christmas Tree  7. 12 Days of Christmas  8. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem  9. Away in a Manger 

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

An antigram is an anagram which has a meaning opposite to its unscrambled version.

Try these:

EVIL’S AGENTS

REAL FUN

NICE LOVE

NO MORE STARS

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS AND MS. KIM HILLYARD! NICE WORK LADIES!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, July 28, 2015.   

Ponder These for Tuesday……

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? 

Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these 

dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, 

which no decent human being would eat? 

When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their 

crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner? 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“A new study found that overweight men are more likely to have children with weight problems. Or in other words, if you get your dad’s genes, you’re also going to get his sweatpants.” -Jimmy Fallon

“The Museum of the Moving Image in New York is opening a new exhibit dedicated to cats that are famous on the internet. So if you love the internet, and you love cats, you’re probably not making it out of the house.” -Seth Meyers

“A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.” -Conan O’Brien  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. 

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.  

 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Dawn, honey, so glad you made it on time darling cuz you got some splainin’ to do.”  

Answer: Swimming With Sharks! This quote is from “Swimming with Sharks.” Kevin Spacey works as a movie executive who has been sleeping with his assistant’s girlfriend for years. The two had planned for her to come to Kevin’s house at midnight and when her boyfriend finds out he goes over and beats Kevin and tortures him. This is what Kevin says when the woman finally gets there. The end of the quote was said in a Ricky Ricardo accent.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I’m Robin Hood. I steal from the rich and give to the needy.” “You mean the poor.” “No, I mean the needy. Cuz brother we NEED this car.” 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Which one of the following words does not belong with the other six?

Issue

Mishap

Parachute

Ocean

Semiconscious

Anxious

Mansion  

ANSWER: Mishap is the misfit.  The other six words, and the three in the title, all contain the ‘sh’ sound – which is spelled in nine different ways!  Ironically, the word which does contain -sh- is not pronounced ‘sh’! ‘Schedule’ would count as another spelling of the same sound, depending on which side of the Atlantic you studied!  

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you decipher these common Christmas Carols? 

1. Happiness to the Global Ecosystem 

2. Small male percussionist 

3. I am experiencing nocturnal visions of a colorless holiday 

4. Festoon the Corridors 

5. A Non-summer fairytale area 

6. Oh holiday conifer 

7. Ten plus two twenty-four hour periods of holiday festivity 

8. Hey tiny city in Israel 

9. In a remote location in a barn stall

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji EmojiEmoji 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, July 27, 2015.   

Monday’s pondering………

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said 

if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“A new study found that people with a lot of phobias are more likely to have health problems. Or as those people put it, ‘I was afraid of that.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“In Michigan, a man was too drunk to drive, so he had his 9-year-old daughter drive their van for him. Yeah. As he was being arrested, he told the girl, ‘I’m going to need a lawyer. Go get your little brother.'” -Conan O’Brien

“We are in the worst drought in 56 years. That seems unbelievably negative. Wouldn’t that be the best drought?” -Jimmy Kimmel  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned. Susie said, “He was born in a manger.” Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.”  Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.”  Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?” “From my Daddy,” said Johnny. “Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, ‘Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?'”   

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Because you told me the first time that I met you that you didn’t gobble and you didn’t lie. Well I don’t [care] if you gobble but don’t you ever lie to me again. Because I’ll forgive you once, but I won’t forgive you twice.”   

Answer: White Palace! “White Palace” was a great movie! It starred Susan Sarandon and James Spader. Nora (Sarandon) told Max (Spader) this after she caught him lying to her about where he’d been. She thought he was ashamed to take her around his friends.  

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Dawn, honey, so glad you made it on time darling cuz you got some splainin’ to do.”

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I am seen through many eyes.

Even the blind see me.

Through me, nothing is impossible.

Many stories come from within me.

Time can hold still, or move at the speed of light.

The unthinkable comes to life in me.

I am a wondrous world full of life, or even death.

Love can rule, and hate fades out of the picture.

Peace can be found throughout and no wars.

It is within me where only I can control; no one else can.

I am a place that no one can take from you. 

What am I?    

ANSWER:  Your imagination. 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Which one of the following words does not belong with the other six?

Issue

Mishap

Parachute

Ocean

Semiconscious

Anxious

Mansion

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, July 24, 2015.   

Friday’s pondering………

Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced “onety-one”?

You can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but why can’t you be simply whelmed?

Shouldn’t the opposite of shut up be shut down?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

How come there aren’t B batteries?

If you got in a cab and the driver drove backwards, would he end up owing you money?

Why is the word for “a fear of long words,” hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, so long? 

Why do they call it a TV “set” when you only get one? 

How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

If a husband dies, the wife is called a widow. If a child’s parents die, the child is called an orphan. Why isn’t there a word for a parent that loses a child?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

How do you remove a club soda stain?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

How do people get discombobulated? Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated?

Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off?

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive. Leah LaBelle 

Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Joseph Campbell 

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. – Helen Keller 

I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we’re all teachers – if we’re willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door. Marla Gibbs 

Positive anything is better than negative nothing. – Elbert Hubbard 

No matter what you’re going through, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem hard to get to it but you can do it and just keep working towards it and you’ll find the positive side of things. Demi Lovato 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… walk into a very fine restaurant. “I’m sorry,” says the maître d’, after scrutinizing the group… “You can’t come in here without a Thai. “  

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘Melted chocolate in the dash, that really ups the resale value.’ ‘I think we’re gonna be ok here. They’re covered in a thin candy shell.’ ‘Your brain has a thick candy shell.’ ‘Your brain’s the one with the shell on it…’ ‘Are you talking?’ ‘Shut up, Richard!’‘  

Answer: Tommy Boy! 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Because you told me the first time that I met you that you didn’t gobble and you didn’t lie. Well I don’t [care] if you gobble but don’t you ever lie to me again. Because I’ll forgive you once, but I won’t forgive you twice.”

 

 

Thurday’s Quizzler is……….

In a sylasearch I give you a syllable-starter, which is the first syllable in the words you are to find. I will also give you a listing of the other syllables 

(in which each may only be used once) which you must use to figure out the 9 words.

Syllable List – a, a, a, al, don, en, graph, ic, ka, keet, lel, ly, med, ses, the, tial, ty

Syllable-starter: par

How many syllables, each word has:

1. (2)

2. (2)

3. (2)

4. (3)

5. (3)

6. (3)

7. (3)

8. (4)

9. (4) 

ANSWER: 1. Parka (par ka)  2. Pardon (par don)  3. Party (par ty)  4. Paragraph (par a graph)  5. Parallel (par al lel) 6. Parakeet (par a keet)  7. Partially (par tial ly)  8. Parentheses (par en the ses)  9. Paramedic (par a med ic)  

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

I am seen through many eyes.

Even the blind see me.

Through me, nothing is impossible.

Many stories come from within me.

Time can hold still, or move at the speed of light.

The unthinkable comes to life in me.

I am a wondrous world full of life, or even death.

Love can rule, and hate fades out of the picture.

Peace can be found throughout and no wars.

It is within me where only I can control; no one else can.

I am a place that no one can take from you.

What am I?

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, July 23, 2015.   

The following are actual excerpts from history reports and tests from America’s finest high schools and colleges. Spelling has been preserved…. 

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.

The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of huge triangular cubes.

They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers.

Hitler’s instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho.

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.

Middle Eastern history was written by Florence of Arabia.

The Soviets erected the Berlin Mall?

Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans.

Germany’s William II had a chimp on his shoulder and therefore had to ride his horse with only one hand.

The Germans took the by-pass around France’s Marginal Line. This was known as the “Blintz Krieg.”  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“A company is trying to fund a new endeavor known as Uber for Kids. So parents will soon be teaching their kids that they shouldn’t talk to strangers but they should get into a car with them.” -Conan O’Brien

“President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen.” -Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don’t think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you should talk to some of the members of the American team, like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, and Allen Liu. And their coach, Po-Shen Loh.” -Seth Meyers     

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

During the banquet celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room. 

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single.”   

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘You’re a creature of the night, Michael. Just like out of a comic book! You’re a vampire, Michael. You wait till Mom finds out, buddy!’ 

Answer: The Lost Boys! This is the part where Sam (Corey Haim) notices that his brother Michael’s (Jason Patric) reflection in the mirror is glowing.  

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Melted chocolate in the dash, that really ups the resale value.’ ‘I think we’re gonna be ok here. They’re covered in a thin candy shell.’ ‘Your brain has a thick candy shell.’ ‘Your brain’s the one with the shell on it…’ ‘Are you talking?’ ‘Shut up, Richard!’

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

If you throw me from the window, I will leave a grieving wife.  

Bring me back, but in the door, and You’ll see someone giving life!   

What am I?   

ANSWER: The letter ‘n’.  wiNdow – widow door – doNor   

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

In a sylasearch I give you a syllable-starter, which is the first syllable in the words you are to find. I will also give you a listing of the other syllables 

(in which each may only be used once) which you must use to figure out the 9 words.

Syllable List – a, a, a, al, don, en, graph, ic, ka, keet, lel, ly, med, ses, the, tial, ty

Syllable-starter: par

How many syllables, each word has:

1. (2)

2. (2)

3. (2)

4. (3)

5. (3)

6. (3)

7. (3)

8. (4)

9. (4)

 

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.