Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, June 9, 2015.       

Analogies and metaphors found in actual high school essays……really!

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country, speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Chrysler just announced that it plans to offer free college tuition to thousands of employees at dealerships across the country. Chrysler says it’s just a small way of making up for the PT Cruiser.” -Jimmy Fallon 

“The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.” -Conan O’Brien

“Senator Lindsey Graham has announced that he’s running for president. If elected, Graham would be the first bachelor elected president in 130 years. And he’d also be the first candidate to choose his running mate in an elaborate rose ceremony.” -Seth Meyers

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet. 

One day, outside the store’s restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, “The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off.”  “See!” her friend chided. “I told you not to have that second drink.”

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I am here to chew bubble gum and kick sass. Unfortunately I’m out of bubble gum!” 

Answer: They Live! In the bank scene when Roddy Piper’s character realizes the whole place is full of these alien beings trying to take over the world. He says this line right before busting some heads. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I don’t think anybody could throw up more than that kid.”

   

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

I’ve many holes but I will never leak

Not comfortable? Just give me a tweak

Though often together most of the day

Come bedtime we’ll go our separate ways

Life without me might be kind of a drag

‘Cause when I’m not around things tend to sag

Doing my job, your reliable mate

This is a “hold-up” you’ll appreciate

What am I?  

ANSWER:  a belt
 
lines 1-2: The holes are those in the belt for adjusting the circumference around one’s waist according to one’s comfort.
 
lines 3-4: Normally, one wouldn’t wear their trousers to bed and therefore also not their belt.
 
lines 5-6: One’s trousers may droop and potentially drag on the floor/ground without a belt.
 
lines 7-8: The belt is a reliable “companion” which holds up one’s trousers. The title alludes to the function of a belt which is to hold up (or not let down) one’s trousers.

 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Using real names to make common words/phrases, name the offspring: (the first one is free!)

1. Mr and Mrs Voyant – Clare (as in Clairvoyant)

2. Mr and Mrs Tress

3. Mr and Mrs Nasium

4. Mr and Mrs Tate

5. Mr and Mrs Anthemum

6. Mr and Mrs Mander

7. Mr and Mrs Mite

8. Mr and Mrs Time

 
 

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785

 

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