WELCOME to Thursday, June 4, 2015.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went; then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
I dropped out of socialism class because of lousy Marx.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Why is 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When chemists die, they barium.
Velcro! What a rip off!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
The 79-year-old FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, will resign less than a week after the organization was rocked by a corruption scandal. But if you only learned one thing from all this, it’s that you can never trust a 79-year-old Blatter.
According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he’s running for president is like soccer’s World Cup — it happens every four years and no one in America cares.
Hillary Clinton announced that she will officially kick off her presidential campaign on June 13 in New York City. The good news is it’s free to get in. Which sounds great until you find out it’s $100,000 to get out.
The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.
In a recent interview, the Pope revealed he doesn’t use the Internet and he hasn’t watched television since 1990. Then he announced his plan to make Bill Cosby a saint.
Basketball commentator Charles Barkley said he’d like to shoot sports fans who act like jerks. Barkley was then reprimanded by the NBA and recruited by the NFL.
The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be.
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
The friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good town fathers to close the friars down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Remember that time I had mono? That was like the best diet EVER!”
Answer: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion! this is near the beginning of the film when they are deciding what to wear.
Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Ahh yes, but camels are smarter!”
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Identify the fruits and vegetables from the following clues:
(Don’t assume that you know how part of a clue is pronounced. There may be more than one way!)
1. “Mom, may we please go outside? Will you please let us play? PLEASE! PLEASE!”
2. Another name for a taxi + the rings in a tree indicate what? = ___________________.
3. A pool stick + C + a burnt brownish color = ______________________.
4. Your mother pairs socks at the toes.
5. A drink + me + the end of the word “talon” = _____________________.
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
I have been called a savage, a chief and oft times a leader.
Some have called me the embodiment of courage, although to a Crook I did surrender.
Where I was born, there were no enclosures.
In the end, to bring me down, it took 5000 soldiers.
As the “terror of the country”, I had a reputation of cruelty and cunning.
My tactics consisted of hitting and then running.
Many movies and stories of me were made.
The memories of me, the most famous of my people, will never fade.
People have spoken ill of me so many times it would give your throat a lump.
Yet sometimes, my name is the last word said when people make a big jump.
Now it’s time to give it a try.
Do you know my name; who am I?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/