WELCOME to Friday, May 29, 2015.
How about some Bent Definitions…..
Let’s take a look into the wonders of our language with a few reminders that even everyday words and expressions can be a source of amusement—with the proper twist, of course.
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Account: A countess’ husband.
Accrue: The people who run a ship.
Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you’re buying again.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
Asset: A little donkey.
Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.
Barium: What we do to most people when they die.
Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.
Coffee: A person coughed upon.
Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.
Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.
College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive. Leah LaBelle
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. – Helen Keller
Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Joseph Campbell
Positive anything is better than negative nothing. – Elbert Hubbard
I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we’re all teachers – if we’re willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door. Marla Gibbs
Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world. Constantly color your picture gray, and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor, and your picture begins to lighten up. Allen Klein
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Like a rooster with an itch!”
Answer: Renaissance Man! When Bill Rago is teaching the “Double D’s” about similes, metaphors and oxymorons Melvin offers this “barnyard simile”. I think it Should have done better at the box office. Gregory Hines, Mark Wahlberg, and Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World”) also star in this film.
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Is that a challenge?”
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
A lady, very concerned about her appearance and the environment, was being interviewed about keeping her beauty without compromising on environmental issues. When she was asked how she managed to keep her hair so shiny and silky without washing it every day, she declared she never washed it!
How could this be true?
ANSWER: According to scientific research, after an initial period of about 2 weeks, where the hair is dirty, smelly and greasy, it actually starts to clean itself! It produces natural oils that clean the hair from the roots, leaving you with lovely clean glossy hair; although, with some people, it may take several more weeks to actually notice any difference.
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Following are 6 words that have the same two letters repeated at some point. Those two letters have been removed, replaced by two sets of asterisks. Can you figure out which two letters to use in each word? You use the same two letters within each word, but use a different set of letters for each word.
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/