Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, May 19, 2015.     

 Saxophone jokes…….
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It’s all in the grip.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors don’t mind if you don’t return the sax when you borrow it.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would’ve done it.
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.
Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.
Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn’t!
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

 

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead

  

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

 

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

  

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them 

vodka, and have a party. Ron White

 

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Albert Einstein

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask.” In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, “As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens.” Hing agrees, saying “Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens.” The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.  Moral of the Story: “All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’ ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.” 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “My grandmother used to say America’s a big melting pot, when you stir it all the scum rises to the top.” 

Answer: Down By Law! Directed by Jim Jarmusch, singer Tom Waits (Zack), musician John Lurie (Jack), and Italian funny-man Robert Benigni (Bob), form a reluctant and hilarious alliance after meeting in and escaping from a Louisiana prison. One of Jack’s working girls proclaims, “My grandmother used to say..” as she lies in bed trying, and failing, to get Jack’s attention.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “We’ve been on the moon since the fifties. You wanna know how — anti-grav-drive. Antigravity drive, we stole it from the nazis after World War Two, its perfectly obvious.” 

   

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Answer the clues with a pair of rhyming words.

(plump feline = fat cat)

1. Moby Dick fan letter

2. Stream cove

3. Medieval soldier competition

4. Extra couple

5. Metal drain plug  

 

ANSWER: 1. Whale mail  2. Brook nook  3. Knight fight  4. Spare pair  5. Copper stopper

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Can you unscramble the countries in Part 1 and match them with the appropriate fact about them in Part 2? And your answer is?

Part 1

1. HCAIN

2. GRIINAE

3. PAJNA

4. SUKTROOAEH

5. MIKUDITDNENGO

6. HUFAIORSACT

7. MNAAORI

Part 2

1. This is the world’s most populous country.

2. The capital of this country is Abuja.

3. This is the only country to ever suffer an attack with atomic weapons.

4. The capital of this country is Seoul.

5. This country is a great industrial power despite the fact that it must import many resources.

6. The capital of this country is Pretoria.

7. Dracula’s home, Transylvania, is in this country.

 

  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785


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