Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, May 14, 2015.     

Steven Wright Thoughts……
 
All the plants in my house are dead–I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
 
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.”
 
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”
 
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
 
Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn’t know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn’t a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
 
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
 
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
 
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
 
It’s a fine night to have an evening.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. I saw a lot of people were posting old photos of themselves as a kid with their moms. Because what better gift to give your mother than a photo of how she used to look before you completely wore her down.” -Jimmy Fallon

“The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games over deflate-gate. They’re going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.” -Conan O’Brien

“Kanye West’s ex-girlfriend accused him of using ghost writers to come up with his music. Kim Kardashian defending Kanye by saying, ‘He doesn’t even know any ghosts. And even if he did, how could they pick up the pencil with their ghost hands?'” -Seth Meyers

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents’ private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.  “Yes!” the 4-year-old said, “and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it’s a girl we’re going to call her Christina, and if it’s another boy we’re going to call it quits!”

 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Garfield, cover that head!”  

Answer:  Highlander! Scotsman Connor McLeod (Christopher Lambert) learns that he is Immortal and must fight — and behead — other Immortals in order to win “The Prize”. Detective Moran shouts “Garfield, cover that head!” to one of his policemen, regarding Vaziel, a Polish Immortal whose head the Highlander has cut off during a sword fight in Madison Square Garden’s undeground parking garage.

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “But we eat the same things. Like, if I have a pork-chop, she has a pork-chop, if I have a veal, she has a veal.”

   

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

The following sentences have two blanks that can be filled with two words that are anagrams of each other. Please find those words. 

1. Mark’s math __________ was a mild-mannered man. But one thing he would not tolerate was a __________. He would immediately fail anyone caught doing so. 

2. The patient __________ his pain through physical therapy. He had seen enough __________ surgeries to know that too many people elected surgery when they shouldn’t have. 

3. After a long and successful career of serving his country, the nation was in shock as the highly regarded __________ was arrested and tried for __________. 

 

ANSWER:  1. teacher, cheater   2. lessened, needless   3. Senator, treason

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

If a cork is put into a glass of water, the cork will almost always drift to the side of the glass. There is one simple way, however, to get the cork to float in the center of the glass (the horizontal center, not the vertical). What is it? Water, the glass, and the cork are all that is required.

 

  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785

 

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