Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, May 29, 2015.    

How about some Bent Definitions….. 

Let’s take a look into the wonders of our language with a few reminders that even everyday words and expressions can be a source of amusement—with the proper twist, of course.

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Account: A countess’ husband.

Accrue: The people who run a ship.

Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you’re buying again.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Asset: A little donkey.

Atheism: A non-prophet organization.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.

Barium: What we do to most people when they die.

Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.

Coffee: A person coughed upon.

Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.

College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.Emoji

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive. Leah LaBelle

 

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. – Helen Keller

 

Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Joseph Campbell

  

Positive anything is better than negative nothing. – Elbert Hubbard

 

I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we’re all teachers – if we’re willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door. Marla Gibbs

Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world. Constantly color your picture gray, and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor, and your picture begins to lighten up. Allen Klein

 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? “A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.”  

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Like a rooster with an itch!” 

Answer: Renaissance Man! When Bill Rago is teaching the “Double D’s” about similes, metaphors and oxymorons Melvin offers this “barnyard simile”. I think it Should have done better at the box office. Gregory Hines, Mark Wahlberg, and Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World”) also star in this film. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Is that a challenge?” 

   

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

A lady, very concerned about her appearance and the environment, was being interviewed about keeping her beauty without compromising on environmental issues. When she was asked how she managed to keep her hair so shiny and silky without washing it every day, she declared she never washed it!

How could this be true?

 

ANSWER:  According to scientific research, after an initial period of about 2 weeks, where the hair is dirty, smelly and greasy, it actually starts to clean itself! It produces natural oils that clean the hair from the roots, leaving you with lovely clean glossy hair; although, with some people, it may take several more weeks to actually notice any difference. 

 

 

Friday’s  Quizzler is……….

Following are 6 words that have the same two letters repeated at some point. Those two letters have been removed, replaced by two sets of asterisks. Can you figure out which two letters to use in each word? You use the same two letters within each word, but use a different set of letters for each word. 

1. **chorm**

2. **joym**t

3. **iqu**te

4. **ip**ape

5. **s**cere

6. **p**zard

  

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785

 

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Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, May 28, 2015.    

The Laws of Work…..

No matter what your job, or where you work, you’ll find that many of these “laws,” sadly, ring true.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. 

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

The first 90 percent of a project takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent of the time.

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt. 

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. 

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. It’s no use being a fool about it.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. 

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.” 

Never delay the end of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work they’re supposed to be doing. 

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t. 

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

Following the rules will not get the job done. 

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 

No matter how much you do, you never do enough. 

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

 “Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” –Ira Gassen

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” –Mark Twain

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because the are generally the same people.” –Gilbert Keith Chesterton 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!  Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.  When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH! 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You’re turning into a one-woman USO!” 

Answer: Grease! Rizzo says this to Marty after Marty shows the other Pink Ladies and Sandy all the pictures of all her pen pals that are in the service. This is during the sleepover scene, right before Sandy starts to sing 

“Hopelessly Devoted To You”. 

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Like a rooster with an itch!”

   

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Whenever a phrase or sentence becomes part of the common language, there is a strong possibility that it will be quoted inaccurately.

Over the course of time, a letter gets shifted or a word is changed and forevermore the quotation becomes a cliche that nobody ever gets quite right.

Try to complete each proverbial cliche:

1.) ” I only regret that I have but one life to ______ for my country.” – Nathan Hale

2.) “Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no ______ .”

3.) “Music hath charms to soothe ______ .” – William Congreve

ANSWER:  1.) lose   2.) fibs   3.) a savage breast 

 

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

A lady, very concerned about her appearance and the environment, was being interviewed about keeping her beauty without compromising on environmental issues. When she was asked how she managed to keep her hair so shiny and silky without washing it every day, she declared she never washed it!

How could this be true?

  

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785

 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, May 27, 2015.      

Fallacies……….. 

So much of what we assume, upon further scrutiny, we discover to be just plain wrong. Collected here are some 

bits of trivia that poke holes in our most coveted myths, misconceptions and outright falsehoods.

Ninjas, historically, didn’t wear black. For nighttime operations, they wore dark blues, dark grays, and browns.

Although most people believe Napoleon was short, he was actually five feet six inches tall, an average height for a Frenchman in those days.

The idea that it is dangerous to wake a sleepwalker is a myth.

Nonalcoholic beer isn’t. Most brands of non-alcoholic beer contain about .5% alcohol.

Even though you might think so, America is not the world’s top producer of feature films. That honor goes to India.

The “v” in the name of a court case does not stand for “versus,” but for “and” (in civil proceedings) or “against” (in criminal proceedings).

White paws on cats are commonly called “boots” when, in fact, they are actually referred to as “gloves.” 

Contrary to popular belief, gladiators were lousy fighters in real combat. They were trained solely for arena fighting. On the actual battlefield, their skills were mediocre.

Potatoes weren’t originally grown as food. They were grown for use as ornamental decorations.

Shoemakers are commonly called “cobblers,” but correctly speaking, a cobbler is a shoe repairman. A shoemaker is a “cordwainer.”

Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders didn’t ride, ever, during the Spanish-American War. In fact, they weren’t Teddy’s. He was second in command.

Despite what you might think, just 20% of the Sahara is covered with sand. The rest is rocky.

The nose isn’t the only thing that the Sphinx is missing. It once had a royal beard, a cobra emblem, and other pieces of masonry. Bits of what is left of the beard are in the British Museum.

Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes.

The day after Thanksgiving is reported to be the “busiest shopping day of the year,” but it’s not true. In terms of sales, the highest sales day of the year is usually either the last Saturday before Christmas or December 23.

The first umbrellas weren’t intended to protect people from the rain. They were invented by the ancient Egyptians to shield them from the sun.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

 “Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” 

–Ralph Waldo Emerson 

“There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?” 

–Dick Cavett 

“Joy is not in things; it is in us.” 

–Richard Wagner 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

But baby pigeon said, “I can’t make it; I’ll get too tired.” His mother said, “Don’t worry; I’ll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.”   The baby started to cry.  “What’s wrong?” said the mother.  “I don’t want to be pigeon towed!” 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Gig for Bean!”  

Answer: Cadence! Martin Sheen’s character rules with an iron fist over the troops. Every time anyone acts up in ANY way they get a gig “and gigs are bad!” Charlie Sheen plays the rebel soldier who questions not only the authority but the sanity of his commanding General (Martin Sheen). All the while learning from the leader of the new group he was added to (Lawrence Fishbourne). 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You’re turning into a one-woman USO!”

   

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

A man wanted to get into a members only club so he hid and watched the guard at the door of the club house. The guard said a number to each member as they approached, and the member would respond with a number of their own. If the member responded with the correct number they were let in. If they responded incorrectly they were thrown out. One member came up to the door, the guard said twelve, and the member responded with six and was let in. Another member came to the door, the guard said six and the member responded with three and was let in. Believing he had heard enough, the reject went up to the guard. The guard said ten, and the reject said five, but was not let in. What should the reject have said?  

ANSWER: He should have said three, the number of letters in the number the guard said. 

 

Wednesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Whenever a phrase or sentence becomes part of the common language, there is a strong possibility that it will be quoted inaccurately.

Over the course of time, a letter gets shifted or a word is changed and forevermore the quotation becomes a cliche that nobody ever gets quite right.

Try to complete each proverbial cliche:

1.) ” I only regret that I have but one life to ______ for my country.” – Nathan Hale

2.) “Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no ______ .”

3.) “Music hath charms to soothe ______ .” – William Congreve

  

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785

 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, May 26, 2015.      

Oxymoronic Statements….

Some people say that I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface. 

On one hand, I’m indecisive; but on the other, I’m not. 

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s intolerance. 

The world’s full of apathy, but I don’t care. 

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder. 

Prejudiced people are all alike. 

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds? 

Evil isn’t all bad. 

I’m still not sure if I understand ambiguity. 

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness. 

There’s no such thing as nonexistence. 

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. 

As far as I’m concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. 

He doesn’t have much of a reputation or so I’ve heard. 

I disagree with unanimity. 

I have my doubts about disbelief. 

Avoid alliteration…always. 

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 

One should never generalize. 

Avoid cliches like the plague. 

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 

Profanity sucks. 

I have a twin brother; he’s identical, but I’m not. 

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 

Death to all fanatics! 

An oral contract isn’t worth the paper its written on. 

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. 

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous! 

I always wanted to be a procrastinator! 

Rehab is for quitters! 

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are. 

Don’t be redundant by repeating yourself. 

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever? 

My identity lies in not knowing who I am. 

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn’t enough anxiety in my life. 

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. 

Free advice is worth what you paid for it. 

Entropy just isn’t what it used to be. 

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it. 

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can’t. 

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don’t believe in dragons. 

Life is full of uncertainties…or I could be wrong about that? 

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. 

Always remember you’re unique…just like everyone else!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Researchers have found that children in preschool are exercising only 12 percent of the day. I have an easy way to fix this. If you want kids to exercise, get an ice cream truck and just drive it slowly around the block. They will give chase. I’ve seen it happen.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“This week presidential candidate Bernie Sanders introduced a new bill that would make four-year college tuition free. Which was great news, unless you were the student who was just walking out of your graduation.” -Jimmy Fallon 

“Chelsea Clinton has written a children’s book titled ‘It’s Your World: Get Informed, Get Inspired & Get Going.’ It’s a great book to read to your workaholic toddler.” -Seth Meyers 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.  Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. “How do you suppose this ball got in here?” I asked the boy.  Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, “Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Tie? What she mean tie?”   

Answer: To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar! Noxeema Jackson (Wesley Snipes) says this just as they are about to award the crown to the new Drag Queen Of The Year. Last year’s winner Rachael Tensions (RuPaul) announces that there was a tie between Noxeema and Miss Vida Bohemme (Patrick Swayze).

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Gig for Bean!”

   

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

The following word pairs are anagrams which can be combined to form the name of an animal.Try to figure it out.

1. Zeal, Gel

2. Neat, Help

3. Boa, Luff

4. Bow, Mat

5. Evil, Owner

 

ANSWER: 1. Gazelle.  2. Elephant.  3. Buffalo.  4. Wombat.  5. Wolverine.  

 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

A man wanted to get into a members only club so he hid and watched the guard at the door of the club house. The guard said a number to each member as they approached, and the member would respond with a number of their own. If the member responded with the correct number they were let in. If they responded incorrectly they were thrown out. One member came up to the door, the guard said twelve, and the member responded with six and was let in. Another member came to the door, the guard said six and the member responded with three and was let in. Believing he had heard enough, the reject went up to the guard. The guard said ten, and the reject said five, but was not let in. What should the reject have said? 

  

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785

 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, May 25, 2015.      

Playing with a Funny Word or Two……………  

Why do performers recite a play, yet play at a recital?

When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Dessie decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

The city tip was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

In the boat, a row erupted amongst the oarsmen about how to row.

Chloe was too close to the door to close it.

Sherrie shed her shoes in the shed.

Why do our noses run but our feet smell?

Freddie filled in his form by filling it out.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday weekend people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Three Southwest Airlines baggage handlers are accused of smuggling drugs in luggage. The officials became suspicious when every single one of the Southwest bags made it to its destination.” -Conan O’Brien

“Bruce Springsteen is selling his house in Beverly Hills for around $70 million. And for that much money, the house actually comes WITH Bruce Springsteen.” -Jimmy Fallon 

“Scientists working on The Syracuse University Lava Project have discovered how to grill a steak using lava. The hard part is getting the cow up on the volcano.” -Seth Meyers 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. 

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.Emoji

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Roger, holding the spit.”

Answer: Super Troopers! In fear of their station being shut down, Captain O’Hagen tells his Vermont State Troopers to “step it up”, but it only serves to fuel their “high”-jinx even further, in comedy troupe Broken Lizard’s surprise hit movie.

When the Dimpus Burger cashier announces over the intercom not to spit in Officer Farva’s burger, the fry cook responds, “Roger, holding the spit.” 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Tie? What she mean tie?”

   

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Many of our everyday words have more than one meaning. Below are eleven pairs of definitions. Both definitions in each pair fit the same word. When read down, the first letters of the eleven answers will spell out the name of a beloved TV celebrity.

1. Spend time idly or bread unit

2. Worker’s organization or marriage

3. Pine tree fruit or ice cream holder

4. Feeling of curiosity or savings account accrual

5. Land parcel or considerable quantity

6. Illumination or not weighty at all

7. Typewriter type style or the VIP crowd

8. Baby’s toy or city square

9. Weapon or upper body appendage

10. Bowling group or three nautical miles

11. Stand at a slant or thin

 

ANSWER:  1. Loaf  2. Union  3. Cone  4. Interest  5. Lot  6. Light  7. Elite  8. Block

9. Arm  10. League  11. Lean 

 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

The following word pairs are anagrams which can be combined to form the name of an animal.Try to figure it out.

1. Zeal, Gel

2. Neat, Help

3. Boa, Luff

4. Bow, Mat

5. Evil, Owner

 

  

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 

NICE WORKS BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji Emoji

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Hipster-of-everything

WELCOME to Friday, May 22, 2015.      

Here’s the story in true Spoonerisms style……

(Spoonerisms are words or phrases in which letters or syllables get swapped. This often happens accidentally in slips of the tongue (or tips of the slung as Spoonerisms are often affectionately called!) Try reading this out loud!  

Ali Theeva and the Forty Babs

by Colonel Stoopnagle

Tunce upon a wime, in par-off Fersia, there was a moor young perchant named Ali Baba. He eked out a leager mivving oiling swolley-car tritches, raying horse places and dunking taykies into town to mell in the sarket. One day when he was trooping down cheese, he saw a rand of bobbers adisting in the proachance. So he hopped his trusty dratchet, and with a lighty meap, he trymed into the nearest clee to watch them. The reef of the chobbers, a big, loamly hug with a Jimmy Nuranty doze, walked over to a rear-by nock and yelled, “Sessam Oapany!” whereupon a door bung swack and his whole thang of geaves entered. In a mupple of kinnets they emerged. The creader lied, “Sess Cloazamee!” and the shore swung dutt. (Wasn’t that a trifty nick?)

Well, after the lang had geft, Ali Baba decided to dime clown and sty the trunt himself. He yelled, “Soapen Essamee!” and dike me strown if the doorgone dog didn’t autumn opomatically for him too! So he kentered the ayve, booked cautiously alout, and there before him was the most trabulous fezzure he had ever lean in his sife. Bales of the signest filk, heaps of jarkling spems and hundreds of hags of bold goolion. Here was something for Believe-it-or-rip Notley! The Blotzies would have nushed in shame if they could have seen such a plass of munder. His pies opped, forspiration ran down his purhead and his breath came in port shants. He thought he was going to have trummock stubble. But he eked his keppelibrium, yelled, “Stoaze Clessamee!” stabbed all the gruff he could carry and han for roam.

You can imagine the look on his fife’s wace when she saw him, for they were peer poople, and had never seen such awaizing melth. “Oh, you crunderful weeture!” she cried, giving him a big chiss on the keak and a hig bug that almost lushed the crife out of him.

Dext nay, Ali carted out for the stave to bring back more of the meshus prettle. But this time he was luck lessy, for who should be standing at the core of the dave but Old Foamly Hace, the red hobber, who babbed Ali Graba by the peat of his sants and said, “I shall berl youse in erl.” (You see, he was a Boyklyn brook.)

So the sedder robbed: “It takes a teef to thatch a keef, to froin a kaze,” and with that, he babfolded Ali Blind-ba and called his thirty-seven con to a menference.

“Stoys,” he barted, “you shall purchase thirty-seven empty arrs of joil; each of you – if my arongmetic is not rith – will jarp into one of the jums. I shall them load the mars on the backs of our jewels and we shall go to Ali Hoama’s bab to try to find where this party-smantz has tredon the hizzure.” Ali Waba binced; suppose his wife should tool them the treth!

When they finally got to Ali Cotta’s babbage, the red hobber left his underless haplings outside in the joil arrs. (Gritty preecy, don’t you think? But they were rasty nobbers, so “let the punishment crit the fime.”* ) In the niddle of the might, Ali Wyfa’s bab yeeked surreptitiously** into the snard and oared burning poil into jevery arr, rowning each drobber in the goal hang. Jewel, of course, but nevertheless crust.

Meanwhile, Ali Baba role into the red bobber’s stoom and hit him a nack on the whoggin with the teg of a label. That character will tawze no more crubble, for he’s in a kermanent poama. In other durds, he’s wed.

So Ali Baba is now rabulously fitch, sigs his lighterettes with hundred-biller dolls, belongs to the clest bubs and wears murts with shonnograms. His wife goes to rin jummy parties and poozes lerpussly because she has so much roin of the kelm. Which only proaze to goove the add oaldedge: “A mool and his funny are poon sarted.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Memorial Day weekend people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

Start by doing whats necessary; then do whats possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. – Francis of Assisi

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart. – Helen Keller

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. Milton Berle

I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. Jimmy Dean

Live your beliefs and you can turn the world around. – Henry David Thoreau

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence. – Vince Lombardi  

We know what we are, but know not what we may be. – William Shakespeare

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’! Audrey Hepburn

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. Steve Jobs 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So … the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because “Da oily boid gets da woim.”  There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.   

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “That’s quite a humor you have.”  “Well, if you’re going to London, and you’re going to London then I’m going to London.”  

Answer: Husbands!  John Cassavetes (who also wrote and directed), Peter Falk (TV’s ‘Columbo’) and Ben Gazarra play Gus, Archie, and Harry, respectively who, while mourning the death of their friend, go on an out-of-control, forty-eight-hour, drinking bender.  During a boisterous drinking contest Archie, referring to Harry, says, “That’s quite a humor you have”. With Gus and Harry having already made their decisions, Archie proclaims, “Well, if you’re going to London…” 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Roger, holding the spit.” 

   

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

I am more microscopic than microscopic; I am more minuscule than minuscule. 

I am smaller than small and I am tinier than tiny. 

Yet surprisingly, I am still big. What am I?

ANSWER:  The word “big”. It only has 3 letters and is therefore shorter in length than the words “tiny”, “small”, “minuscule”, and “microscopic”.

 

Friday’s  Quizzler is……….

Many of our everyday words have more than one meaning. Below are eleven pairs of definitions. Both definitions in each pair fit the same word. When read down, the first letters of the eleven answers will spell out the name of a beloved TV celebrity.

1. Spend time idly or bread unit

2. Worker’s organization or marriage

3. Pine tree fruit or ice cream holder

4. Feeling of curiosity or savings account accrual

5. Land parcel or considerable quantity

6. Illumination or not weighty at all

7. Typewriter type style or the VIP crowd

8. Baby’s toy or city square

9. Weapon or upper body appendage

10. Bowling group or three nautical miles

11. Stand at a slant or thin

 

 

  

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!  NICE WORKS BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

53a451939afeb5cb5b84e2c400c63f0e

WELCOME to Thursday, May 21, 2015.        

The Top 47 Oxymorons List For Today…..
 
47. Act naturally
 
46. Found missing
 
45. Resident alien
 
44. Advanced BASIC
 
43. Genuine imitation
 
42. Airline food
 
41. Good grief
 
40. Same difference
 
39. Almost exactly
 
38. Government organization
 
37. Sanitary landfill
 
36. Alone together
 
35. Legally drunk
 
34. Silent scream
 
33. American history
 
32. Living dead
 
31. Small crowd
 
30. Business ethics
 
29. Soft rock
 
28. Butt head
 
27. Military intelligence
 
26. Software documentation
 
Link To This Page
 
25. New York culture
 
24. New classic
 
23. Sweet sorrow
 
22. Childproof
 
21. “Now, then…”
 
20. Synthetic natural gas
 
19. Passive aggression
 
18. Taped live
 
17. Clearly misunderstood
 
16. Peace force
 
15. Extinct life
 
14. Temporary tax increase
 
13. Computer jock
 
12. Plastic glasses
 
11. Terribly pleased
 
10. Computer security
 
9.  Political science
 
8.  Tight slacks
 
7.  Definitely maybe
 
6.  Pretty ugly
 
5.  Twelve-ounce pound cake
 
4.  Diet ice cream
 
3.  Working vacation
 
2.  Exact estimate
 
1.  Microsoft Works
 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Expedia released their rankings of the most annoying drivers in America. For the 15th year in a row, the most annoying driver on the road is every driver but you. The survey says the least popular passengers are backseat drivers. I would have said carjackers.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A 94-year-old man is graduating from West Virginia University. Just imagine how awkward it’s going to be for the commencement speaker when he says, ‘You have your whole life ahead of you. Except that dude.'” -Seth Meyers

“A resort in Mexico has opened the first underwater bar. Shortly afterwards it became host to the world’s slowest bar fight ever.” -Conan O’Brien

 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.  After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man, “We need individuals who are totally responsible.”  The young man grinned and responded: “Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I’ve worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!” 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “I’m gonna get a tattoo on my head — BRAIN DAMAGE!”

Answer: Sid and Nancy! Billed as a sort of punk “Romeo and Juliet”, Alex Cox’s harrowing and often hilarious film follows the drug-addled exploits of bass player Sid Vicious (Gary Odman), of the English punk band, The Sex Pistols, and his girlfriend, groupie Nancy Spungen (Chloe Webb). Director Cox wrote the screenplay with his then-girlfriend, Abbe Wool. Before performing a concert on a chartered boat in The Thames River, Sid informs Pistols singer Johnny Rotten about his plan for a “…tattoo on my head…” before smacking himself hard in the face.  

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “That’s quite a humor you have.”  “Well, if you’re going to London, and you’re going to London then I’m going to London.”

   

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

My father gave me a brain teaser with two groups of words missing. The four words in each group are anagrams of each other. I’ve solved the first group, but I’m stuck on the second group. Can you help?

Time to decorate the Christmas tree! Putting up the lights was my job, but after that it was time to ENLIST some help. While the kids were busy adding TINSEL, I put on some music to LISTEN to; my favorite song is “SILENT Night”.

After we finished decorating the Christmas tree, I hung the stockings on the __1__. Feeling a chill, I looked down and had to __2__ my __3__ lapse; the fire was out. I threw on my __4__ and stepped out into the cold night to gather some firewood. Upon my return, we were soon roasting chestnuts and sipping eggnog to complete a wonderful evening. 

 

ANSWER: 1. mantel  2. lament  3. mental  4. mantle

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

I am more microscopic than microscopic; I am more minuscule than minuscule. 

I am smaller than small and I am tinier than tiny. 

Yet surprisingly, I am still big. What am I?

  

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 

NICE WORKS BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orghttp://myinvitepay.com/?ref=225785