Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, March 31, 2015.   

Tuesday’s Analogies…..
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! I know because somewhere, somebody is laughing!  Have a great Tuesday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Burger King stores in Japan are reportedly planning to sell Whopper-scented cologne for those special occasions when you want to smell like the inside of a fat guy’s car.” -Seth Meyers

“NASA’s Mars rover just completed its first marathon after it spent the last 11 years traveling over 26 miles. It took 11 years to go 26 miles. Or as my grandma calls that, ‘driving.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other valuable minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, ‘How would you like to pay for that?'” -Conan O’Brien 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Recent scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970’s when the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930’s at 20 bucks a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.  One of the students put up his hand and said, “Excuse me, sir, but that doesn’t sound very ethical to me.”  To which the professor replied, “You’re in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall.” 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “You’re U.S. Government property. You’re a malfunctioning thirty million dollar weapon.” 

Answer: The Bourne Identity! Conklin said this Jason when Jason finally caught up to Conklin and demanded to know who he was. I really recommend that you read the books. The movie was good, but nowhere near the book. If you have read the three Bourne books, then take my quiz on them. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Come back and fight like a fish!” 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

When you behead a word, you remove the first letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Sour, acidic
Answer: The words are Start and Tart.
 
1. To be required to pay -> Married
2. Allowing access -> Enclosure; writing implement
3. Organ that produces eggs -> Change with time
4. Fruit; colour -> Scope; the extent of something
5. Fruit; colour -> Exist; reside; seeing in real time
6. Colourless gas; a form of oxygen -> Area or region
7. Leaving something out -> Special assignment
8. Public speaking -> Daily food allowance 
 
ANSWER: 1. Owed -> Wed  2. Open -> Pen  3. Ovary -> Vary  4. Orange -> Range  5. Olive -> Live  6. Ozone -> Zone
7. Omission -> Mission  8. Oration -> Ration 
 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

What is this rebus?
PinnAcLeS
TODAYS QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! BRILLIANT SOLVING JOB BANKS! 
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

  
 

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