Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏


WELCOME to Tuesday, March 10, 2015.   

Condensed Versions of Movies

Jaws Directed by Steven Spielberg 1975Jaws - joke condensed version

Roy Scheider There’s a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.

Murray Hamilton No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists.

(Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.) Robert Shaw I’m tough and grim. (shark eats him) Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss Take that. (shark dies)


Erin Brockovich Directed by Steven Soderbergh 2000

Julia Roberts I’m a jerk, but I’m brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.

Albert Finney Ok. Julia Roberts This company is poisoning water. Let’s fry their ugly hides in extract of hell. (They DO, and it is HEART WARMING.)
Close encounters short version

Close Encounters of the Third Kind Directed by Steven Spielberg 1977

(Airplanes are found in the desert.) Researchers Wow! (UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss’ house.) Richard Dreyfuss Wow! (UFOs appear over Devil’s Tower.) All Wow!

Notting Hill Directed by Roger Michell 1999

Hugh Grant I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I’m in love with you.

Julia Roberts I’ll date you, no I won’t , yes I will, no I won’t . I’m sorry, I have too many rich-and-glamorous issues. Now I’ve gotten over them.

Reservoir Dogs Film Directed by Quentin Tarantino 1992

Michael Madsen Who’s the rat? (shoots a cop) Harvey Keitel I didn’t do it. (shoots Lawrence Tierney) Tim Roth Don’t look at me. (shoots Michael Madsen) (Everybody else shoots each other.)
Titanic film condensed version

Titanic Film Directed by James Cameron 1997

Leonardo DiCaprio Your social class is stuffy. Let’s dance with the ship’s rats and have fun. Kate Winslet You have captured my heart. Let’s run around the ship and giggle. (The ship SINKS.) Leonardo DiCaprio Never let go. Kate Winslet I promise. (lets go)

Jane Eyre By Charlotte Bronte

Edward Rochester I have a dark secret. Will you stay with me no matter what?
Jane Eyre Yes.
Edward Rochester My secret is that I have a lunatic wife.
Jane Eyre Bye.
(Jane Eyre leaves. Somebody dies. Jane Eyre returns.)

Don Quixote By Cervantes

Don Quixote Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing.
Sancho Panza No, master. It is something ordinary and harmless.
Don Quixote (falls down)

A Christmas Carol By Charles Dickens

Ebenezer Scrooge Bah, humbug. you’ll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it. Ghost of Jacob Marley Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you’re mean. 3 Ghosts of Christmas you’re mean.
Ebenezer Scrooge At last, I have seen the light. Let’s dance in the streets. Have some money.

Lord of the Flies By William Golding

(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)
Ralph We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph We need a fire.
Jack Forget the fire. Let’s kill each other.
Other Boys Yeah!
(They do.)

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest By Ken Kesey

Nurse Ratched I destroy my patients psychologically so I can have power and control.
Randall P. McMurphy But freedom and happiness are good things.
Nurse Ratched Lobotomy time for you, buster.
(McMurphy DIES but inspires HOPE so OTHERS may LIVE.)

The Catcher In the Rye By J. D. Salinger 

Holden Caulfield Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I’m a stupid jerk.  THE END

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!



“According to a new study, men are naturally programmed to want more than one woman even when in monogamous relationships. And the scientists who conducted the study want to know if they can crash on your couch for a while.” -Seth Meyers

“A developer has created a zero-gravity martini glass, which promises to let astronauts drink cocktails in space without spilling. Our astronauts are drinking? Guys, the first step is admitting to Houston that you have a problem.” -Seth Meyers

“Music duo Hall & Oates is reportedly suing a company over a cereal named Haulin’ Oats. Though the company says it’s totally different because in their cereal, oats is the star.” -Seth Meyers 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.” 

The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'” 

The first woman asked, “Did it help?” 

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”   

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “I’m still here [jerk], I’ll always be here. You push me down and I’ll get back up again and again and again and again. I could beat you right here, right now but I don’t want to be better than you Rick, I don’t want to be better than anybody.”

Answer: Angus! Spoken by the title character after Rick attempts to humiliate him in front of the whole school by playing a tape of Angus practicing how to dance with a blow-up doll. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I am a desert creature.”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

When you curtail a word, you remove the last letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Heavenly body
Answer: The words are Start and Star.
1. Greeting word -> Hades; place of torment
2. Company symbol -> Tree trunk piece; written record
3. Large stringed instrument -> Small room; prison
4. Vote against; forbid -> Pet doctor
5. Jewellery or stone carved in relief -> Arrived; moved toward something
6. Champion; type of sandwich -> That woman
7. Rope with a sliding loop at one end -> An unmarried young woman
8. Exhibition of cowboy skills -> Was carried on the back of an animal 
ANSWER:  1. Hello -> Hell  2. Logo -> Log  3. Cello -> Cell  4. Veto -> Vet  5. Cameo -> Came
6. Hero -> Her  7. Lasso -> Lass  8. Rodeo -> Rode

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Your task here is to change one letter in each of the following words, in order to find six (6) words with a common theme.
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji



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