Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, March 31, 2015.   

Tuesday’s Analogies…..
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! I know because somewhere, somebody is laughing!  Have a great Tuesday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Burger King stores in Japan are reportedly planning to sell Whopper-scented cologne for those special occasions when you want to smell like the inside of a fat guy’s car.” -Seth Meyers

“NASA’s Mars rover just completed its first marathon after it spent the last 11 years traveling over 26 miles. It took 11 years to go 26 miles. Or as my grandma calls that, ‘driving.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other valuable minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, ‘How would you like to pay for that?'” -Conan O’Brien 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Recent scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970’s when the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930’s at 20 bucks a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.  One of the students put up his hand and said, “Excuse me, sir, but that doesn’t sound very ethical to me.”  To which the professor replied, “You’re in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall.” 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “You’re U.S. Government property. You’re a malfunctioning thirty million dollar weapon.” 

Answer: The Bourne Identity! Conklin said this Jason when Jason finally caught up to Conklin and demanded to know who he was. I really recommend that you read the books. The movie was good, but nowhere near the book. If you have read the three Bourne books, then take my quiz on them. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “Come back and fight like a fish!” 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

When you behead a word, you remove the first letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Sour, acidic
Answer: The words are Start and Tart.
 
1. To be required to pay -> Married
2. Allowing access -> Enclosure; writing implement
3. Organ that produces eggs -> Change with time
4. Fruit; colour -> Scope; the extent of something
5. Fruit; colour -> Exist; reside; seeing in real time
6. Colourless gas; a form of oxygen -> Area or region
7. Leaving something out -> Special assignment
8. Public speaking -> Daily food allowance 
 
ANSWER: 1. Owed -> Wed  2. Open -> Pen  3. Ovary -> Vary  4. Orange -> Range  5. Olive -> Live  6. Ozone -> Zone
7. Omission -> Mission  8. Oration -> Ration 
 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

What is this rebus?
PinnAcLeS
TODAYS QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! BRILLIANT SOLVING JOB BANKS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

  
 

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Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, March 30, 2015.   

1. Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
3. I intend to live forever… or die trying.
4. We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6. A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
8. Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy.
9. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
10. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.
11. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
12. I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! I know because somewhere, somebody is laughing!  Have a great Monday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“A new study has found that 70 minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. Said teenage students, ‘What? That’s, like, two hours!'” -Seth Meyers

“A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces.” -Conan O’Brien

“Last week presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it. It’s a good thing he’s signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.” -Jimmy Fallon 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?” There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.” 

  

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “They say most of your brain shuts down in cryo-sleep. All but the primitive side, the animal side. No wonder I’m still awake.”

Answer: Pitch Black! Vin Diesel, one of my favorites, says this at the beginning while everyone else is asleep in cryo. He played Richard B. Riddick, a murderer, trapped on an alien planet with several other people. This is one of my favorite creature-features. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “You’re U.S. Government property. You’re a malfunctioning thirty million dollar weapon.”

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

A man wanted to encrypt his password but he needed to do it in a way so that he could remember it. His password is 7 characters long. The password consists of letters and numbers only (no symbols like ! or <). In order to remember it he wrote down “You force heaven to be empty.” Can you guess what his password is?
 
ANSWER: U472BMT  Try pronouncing the answer “U Four Seven Two B M T”.  
 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

When you behead a word, you remove the first letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Sour, acidic
Answer: The words are Start and Tart.
 
1. To be required to pay -> Married
2. Allowing access -> Enclosure; writing implement
3. Organ that produces eggs -> Change with time
4. Fruit; colour -> Scope; the extent of something
5. Fruit; colour -> Exist; reside; seeing in real time
6. Colourless gas; a form of oxygen -> Area or region
7. Leaving something out -> Special assignment
8. Public speaking -> Daily food allowance
 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

  
 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, March 27, 2015.    

Riddles……………….really!
How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.
How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.
What bird can lift the most?
A crane.
What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.
What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear?
Address.
What country makes you shiver?
Chile.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I’m coming down with something!
What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It’s time to go to sweep.
What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I’ll hang around for a while.
What did the rug say to the floor?
Don’t move, I’ve got you covered.
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.
What do you call a calf after it’s six months old?
Seven months old.
What do you call a guy who’s born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! I know because somewhere, somebody is laughing!  Have a great weekend people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. — Douglas Adams

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie

Always remember that true beauty comes from within from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes. — Peter’s Almanac

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. — Ralph Bus

Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. — M. Berle

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. 

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town’s people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting… “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor…

“Crap” said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall. 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I woke up this morning and just hated everything.”  

Answer: Tomb Raider! Lara, played by Angelina Jolie, said this to the mail man when he stared at her ruined house. It was ruined because a team of masked men broke in to steal the “clock” and shot the inside of her house up. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “They say most of your brain shuts down in cryo-sleep. All but the primitive side, the animal side. No wonder I’m still awake.”

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

This teaser is in honor of man’s quest to quench his thirst with non-alcoholic beverages. Can you figure out what drinks are depicted below?
 
1. Joint between thigh and lower leg + having great elevation + yielding readily to pressure + swallowing liquid contents.
 
2. A practitioner of medicine + spicy hot pod like fruit that grows on plants.
 
3. Dried and powdered rhizome used as spice + another name for beer.
 
4. Underground portion of a plant + another name for ale.
 
5. A natural elevation of the earth’s surface having considerable mass and a height greater than that of a hill + water droplets condensed from the air.
 
6. A powder made from cacao seeds + tropical African evergreen plant having reddish fragrant nutlike seeds.
 
ANSWER:  1. Nehi Soft Drink. (Knee + high + soft + drink.)  2. Dr Pepper. (Doctor + pepper.)  3. Ginger Ale. (Ginger + ale.) 
4. Root Beer. (Root + beer.)  5. Mountain Dew. (Mountain + Dew.)  6. Coca-Cola. (Cocoa + Kola.)
 

Friday’s  Quizzler is……….

A man wanted to encrypt his password but he needed to do it in a way so that he could remember it. His password is 7 characters long. The password consists of letters and numbers only (no symbols like ! or <). In order to remember it he wrote down “You force heaven to be empty.” Can you guess what his password is?
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR LEGACY GENIUS MR. STEVE SCHICK AND OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS FOR SOLVING THURSDAY’S QUIZZLER OF THE DAY! BRILLIANT MIND WORK PEOPLE! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

  

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, March 26, 2015.  

Anagrams……..
Dormitory == Dirty Room 
 
Desperation == A Rope Ends It 
 
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots 
 
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in ’em 
 
Animosity == Is No Amity 
 
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z’s 
 
Semolina == Is No Meal
 
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet 
 
A Decimal Point == I’m a Dot in Place 
 
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake 
 
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one 
 
Contradiction == Accord not in it 
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

 “Burger King is now making a Whopper-scented cologne. But there is a warning. If you wear Burger King’s Whopper cologne, don’t go near a lion cage. You know, I think I’ll just stick with my Steak and Shake aftershave.” -Dave Letterman

“Larry King reportedly tweets by calling a designated voice mail and leaving a message, and then an assistant tweets the message for him. Which I guess explains why so many of his tweets begin with ‘Hello, operator?'” -Seth Meyers

“Chelsea Clinton is here tonight. Chelsea’s here to promote the ‘Serve a Year’ campaign. A lot of celebrities do this. They serve a year, sometimes less with good behavior.” -Jimmy Kimmel

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.  “Wait a minute,” said one of the researchers, “Wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?”  “Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor, “that would be defeeting the porpoise.”  

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Yo yo, you, yo.”

Answer: Scooby Doo! Velma had just returned to her body and was trying to get Daphne’s attention. But she wasn’t sure how to talk like the monsters were talking. 

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I woke up this morning and just hated everything.”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

I constantly collide into all the others, 
The only one of 16 without colors.
Associated with English and banking and breaking,
The answer is right there for the taking. 
 
ANSWER: The cue ball on a pool table. English is when spin is put on the cue ball to make it curve or bounce differently off the rail. Banking is when a shot is played off the rail. Breaking is the first shot played in a game of pool. The hint refers to the fact that chalk is placed on a cue before it strikes the cue ball. 
 

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

This teaser is in honor of man’s quest to quench his thirst with non-alcoholic beverages. Can you figure out what drinks are depicted below?
1. Joint between thigh and lower leg + having great elevation + yielding readily to pressure + swallowing liquid contents.
2. A practitioner of medicine + spicy hot pod like fruit that grows on plants.
3. Dried and powdered rhizome used as spice + another name for beer.
4. Underground portion of a plant + another name for ale.
5. A natural elevation of the earth’s surface having considerable mass and a height greater than that of a hill + water droplets condensed from the air.
6. A powder made from cacao seeds + tropical African evergreen plant having reddish fragrant nutlike seeds.
 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

  
 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, March 25, 2015.   

Ponderings………….. 
 
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
 
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…
 
If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
 
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
 
Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
 
I love playing cards with children. They can’t tell you’re dealing off the bottom of the deck.
 
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar… Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
 
A man’s best friend is his dog. That’s assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
 
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.
 
A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.” –Goldie Hawn

“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.” –Napoleon Bonaparte

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit. 

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, “Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!”

Sister Mary, crying, asks, “But Mother Superior, aren’t you happy that the abbey is warm?” To which the Mother Superior replies, “Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve.”

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Can we panic now?”  

Answer: Chamber of Secrets! Ron is very afraid of spiders. I can’t blame him, and being in the Forbidden Forest at night surrounded by huge, man-eating spiders was just too much for him. Harry was telling him not to panic and Ron looked up and saw the hundreds of spiders. Luckily, his car saved him and Harry.

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Yo yo, you, yo.”

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Oxy the Moron set out into the world and learned a big word, OXYMORON!!! After searching about this new word for a some time, he came up with a teaser made especially for you!
 
Can you figure out which well known oxymorons these words are?
Ex) Initial facsimile = original copy
 
1) solitary option
2) approximately precise
3) trivial calamity
4) accurate approximation
5) authentic duplication 
 
ANSWER: 1) only choice  2) almost exactly  3) minor crisis  4) exact estimate  5) genuine imitation 
 

Wednesday’s  Quizzler is……….

I constantly collide into all the others,
The only one of 16 without colors.
Associated with English and banking and breaking,
The answer is right there for the taking.
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS. GREAT SOLVING WORK BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

  

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, March 24, 2015.   

Tuesday’s One liners……….
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.” -Steven Wright

“I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by wetting myself.” –Dakota Shepard 

One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, “Please insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her.”  Groucho turned to the man and said, “Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself…To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults! 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship’s officer what it was called. “It’s some dumb glacier,” he replied.  Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he had said, “Sumdum Glacier.” 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You think we need one more?…You think we need one more….Okay, we’ll get one more.”     

Answer: Ocean’s Eleven! George Clooney said this to Brad Pitt when they were gathering the people for the robbery. Brad didn’t say a word. The ‘one more’ he’s talking about turned out to be Matt Damon, who played Linus. He was a very good pick-pocket.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Can we panic now?”

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Which of these names doesn’t quite fit the list?
 
Alan
Alex
Andre
Carl
Dan
Eric
Paul
Pete
Robert 
 
ANSWER: Pete, the rest of the names can have an ‘A’ tossed onto the end, to form common, widely accepted female names.
 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Oxy the Moron set out into the world and learned a big word, OXYMORON!!! After searching about this new word for a some time, he came up with a teaser made especially for you!
Can you figure out which well known oxymorons these words are?
Ex) Initial facsimile = original copy
1) solitary option
2) approximately precise
3) trivial calamity
4) accurate approximation
5) authentic duplication
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS. GREAT SOLVING WORK BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

  

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

morons-hilarious-funny-car-reverse-roof-how-the-hell-moron-m-demotivational-poster-1220425446

WELCOME to Monday, March 23, 2015.   

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  Take a look at these one liners…
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

QUOTES OF THE DAY

“I’ve been doing a lot of drinking here in Austin. Here’s how you know you’re having a good time – when you go for coffee in the morning and realize that the key to your hotel room is still in the door from the night before.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A lawmaker in Nevada just introduced a new bill that would provide pets with medical marijuana. Weed for pets. Which raises the question: Is it possible for cats to sleep 25 hours a day?” -Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Francis said that one of the things he misses most about ordinary life is the ability to go out and eat pizza without being recognized. I wouldn’t worry. Nobody’s going to believe the guy who works at the pizza place when he says, ‘Hey, you know who came in today? The Pope.'” -Seth Meyers.  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I’m back!”  

Answer:  Terminator 3! Yes, he’s back, and, boy, what a come back. In all his “Terminator” movies he says “I’ll be back.” Finally in the third one, he says “I’m back.” He says this after the new Terminator tries to tap into Arnie’s system and get him to kill John. Still, my favorite “Terminator” is the second one. Even though it used to scare me when I was little, it has become my favorite.

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You think we need one more?…You think we need one more….Okay, we’ll get one more.” 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Using the grid below, how many words can you find? Each word must contain the central V and no letter can be used twice, however, the letters do not have to be connected. Proper nouns are not allowed, however, plurals are. There is at least one nine letter word.
 
O E R
D V B
R A O
 
Genius: 28 words. Excellent: 20 words. Good: 16 words. Average: 12 words. 
 
ANSWER: above, adverb, ave, aver, brave, braved, braver, bravo, bravoed, deva, dove, drove, drover, ova, over, OVERBOARD, OVERBROAD, overdo, rave, raved, raver, rev, rove, roved, rover, var, verb, voe.  

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

Which of these names doesn’t quite fit the list?
Alan
Alex
Andre
Carl
Dan
Eric
Paul
Pete
Robert
 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji