WELCOME to Tuesday, February 3, 2015.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said “Help Wanted.” There was another sign below it that said “Self Service.” So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2″ taller.
I’m kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball… [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it…] Gutter…
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“Nature gave men two ends – one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man’s success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.” –George R. Kirkpatrick
“You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.” –Jeff Foxworthy
“A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.” –Mark Twain
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You’ve got balls of steel, my friend.”
Answer: Best Seller! This is the response of one of the three Nixon mask-wearing robbers (James Woods) of a police evidence depository when stabbed in the stomach by one of the officers (Brian Dennehy). The officer lives, despite being shot at point blank range, and becomes a best selling author. Twenty years later the events of that tragic morning return to the forefront when a contract killer (Woods) approaches the cop-turned-author (Dennehy) to write a new novel — non-fiction — about the corporation, and its famous CEO, both for whom he was a hired gun.
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “He sees something he wants, he takes it; something gets in his way, he kills it, and now he’s somewhere in your city.”
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Fill in the answers to the clues by using all the syllables. The number to be used is in parentheses.
BOG BRA DO EX GAN GNA LA MEN MENT NA NA O PERT SA TO TOR TOUR VO
1. Baked pasta dish (3)
2. Forewarning (2)
3. Long sled (3)
4. Well done! (2)
5. Master (2)
6. Athletic competition (3)
7. Twister (3)
ANSWER: 1. Lasagna (la sa gna) 2. Omen (o men) 3. Toboggan (to bog gan) 4. Bravo (bra vo)
5. Expert (ex pert) 6. Tournament (tour na ment) 7. Tornado (tor na do)
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Saturday and Sunday, I am big.
Tuesday through Thursday, I am small.
Monday and Friday, I am non-existent.
What am I?