Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

chicken_horror

WELCOME to Monday, February 2, 2015.    

New Earth Rules  

In order to make the world a better place, the following rules will take immediate effect across the planet. 

1. It is no longer permitted to be stupid and slow. You must choose one or the other. 

2. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to undergo and recover from open heart surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space. 

3. If you are waiting for an elevator that is slow to come and you are the sort of person who pushes the call button repeatedly in the belief that it will make a difference, you are no longer permitted to use elevators. 

4. Boxes of Christmas cards that carry messages like “May your holidays be wrapped in warmth and touched with wonder” must bear a label on the outside of the box saying: “Do Not Purchase – Message Inside Is Embarrassing and Sentimental.” 

5. In office buildings and retail premises in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason, the door must bear a large sign saying: “This Door Is Locked for No Reason.” 

6. Liver and goat cheese will no longer be regarded as foods. In fancy restaurants, salads may no longer contain anything that can be found growing at the side of any public highway. 

7. When standing in line at a retail establishment, it is not permitted to engage the sales assistant in conversation regarding the weather, the health or personal relationships of mutual acquaintances or other matters not relevant to the purchase. 

7a. Anyone who reaches the front of a line and says, “Now what do I want?” and purses his lips thoughtfully or drums his fingers on his chin while studying the ordering options as if for the first time will be taken outside and shot. 

8. Any electronic clock on which the time is set by holding down a button and scrolling laboriously through the minutes and hours is illegal. Also, when you are trying to set the alarm for, say, 7:00 a.m. and the numbers get to about 6:52 and then suddenly speed up and you discover that you have gone past the desired hour and have to start all over, that is extremely illegal. 

9. All Americans will appreciate irony. Britons will understand that two ice cubes in a drink is not nearly enough. 

 That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY

One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish – San Andreas)…The patron saint of generosity, in fact, people say he was generous to a fault. 

A report says high school students aren’t very good with American history. It’s pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln’s Gettysburg address was ALincoln@gettysburg.com…”

It was 28 years ago that the cellular phone was introduced. Before that, drivers had to keep their hands busy with just a radio. 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.  His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.  It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of … “dye a rhea”.Emoji

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “Nobody gets outta here ’til they sing the blues.”

Answer: Adventures In Babysitting! This is what guitarist Albert “Iceman” Collins proclaims when babysitter Chris Parker (Elizabeth Shue) who, along with the kids in her care, find themselves on stage in a Chicago blues club. When Chris gets a frantic call from her scared friend stranded at the airport, she heads downtown, kids in tow, to pick her up. One crazy thing after another happens to them along the way in Christopher Colombus’ directorial debut. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “You’ve got balls of steel, my friend.” 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

The following clues lead to two words or phrases that are the phonetic reverse of each other. When you answer the first clue and flip the syllables, you get the second answer. (Phonetic only, not letters.)Using the clues below, please find the words/phrases in question.

Example: Impertinent * Teetertotter

Answer: Saucy/Seesaw

1. Fundamental * Where the doctor works on a naval ship

2. Government assistance for the poor * Goodbye

3. Worst possible Test Score * Optimistic

4. Relevant * What Jesus was born in

5. Sofa * Cups, saucers, sugar bowl, etc. (2 words)

 

ANSWER: 1. Basic / Sick Bay

2. Welfare / Farewell

3. Zero / Rosy

4. Germane / Manger

5. Settee / Tea Set 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

Fill in the answers to the clues by using all the syllables. The number to be used is in parentheses.

BOG BRA DO EX GAN GNA LA MEN MENT NA NA O PERT SA TO TOR TOUR VO

1. Baked pasta dish (3)

2. Forewarning (2)

3. Long sled (3)

4. Well done! (2)

5. Master (2)

6. Athletic competition (3)

7. Twister (3)

 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

         
  

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