Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

44315604

WELCOME to Friday, February 27, 2015.  

You Know You’re Too Stressed If
 
You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up. 
 
The Sun is too loud. 
 
Trees begin to chase you. 
 
You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. 
 
You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. 
 
You can hear mimes. 
 
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. 
 
You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. 
 
Things become “Very Clear.” 
 
You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. 
 
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. 
 
You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand. 
 
The less sense matter and matter is more than sense. 
 
You and Reality file for divorce. 
 
You can skip without a rope. 
 
It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. 
 
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. 
 
You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before. 
 
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. 
 
You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. 
 
You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies. 
 
Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend. 
 
You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. 
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like

Norman Einstein.” Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.”Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

“I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your

brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.” Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman

because of academic requirements.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” Emoji

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a

new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time – more than half expecting he’d come in and demand his money back.  But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.

“They’re the best clubs I’ve ever had,” he said. “In fact, I’ve discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards

farther than I could my last ones.” 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  “In my home! In my bedroom where my wife sleeps! Where my children come and play with their toys. In my home.”

Answer: Godfather Part II! Of course, said by Michael after the attempted hit at home. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “What am I gonna say? ‘I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?'”

TODAY’S MOVIE TRIVIA DIVA AWARD GOES TO MS. VALERIE JOYNER! NICE WORK VALERIE! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Jon and Bob were betting on a baseball game and Bob lost. To get back at him he bets Jon.

Bob says, “I bet you I can do two to three thousand push-ups in 10 minutes.” 

Jon says, “Fine, let’s see it. You couldn’t possibly win that bet.” 

Bob won the bet. How is that possible?

ANSWER: He did two push-ups, since it is worded that he can do 2 – 3000, but Jon thought it was 2000 – 3000.

Friday’s  Quizzler is……….

Below are incomplete words. Place three letters in each bracket so that you can complete the word on the left and begin the word on the right. Good luck.

i (_ _ _) lar

lat (_ _ _) ror

phan (_ _ _) atoe

indica (_ _ _) toise

sc (_ _ _) na

thr (_ _ _) egal

 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE WEEK AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

 

Advertisements

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

acc5c7bbbbf63b767defafc5845be47d1399590a792bb015739cbb59da871bac

WELCOME to Thursday, February 26, 2015.  

Thoughts to Make You Smile…….
If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
Man’s commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn’t know.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. – Mark Twain
The cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can’t blame on the government.
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
One of the life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Thursday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

QUOTES OF THE DAY

“The highway cop said, ‘Walk a straight line.’ I said, ‘Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to a straight line would be making an electrocephalogram of your brain waves.’ He said, ‘You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?’ And I thought, ‘Oooh, a paradox!'” –Emo Philips

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, “You know, if we really mess this up, we’ll never have to do it again.” 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a “T” and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to my grandson and said “my hamster died.” Laughing he replied “Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?” 

He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!  

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. My name.”

Answer: Charlotte Gray! It’s the last line of the movie and said by Charlotte to Julien when 

she goes back to France to find him.   

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “In my home! In my bedroom where my wife sleeps! Where my children come and play with their toys. In my home.”

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

They turn themselves over to me

Completely voluntarily

Knowing before they’ve departed

They’ll end up near where they started

I may be called emotional

Loopy, perhaps commotional

For those brave souls who seek a thrill

I’m sure to nicely fit the bill

By a force of nature propelled

I’m courage-testing those compelled

Greeted with anxiousness and fret

Seldom exited with regret

What am I? 

ANSWER: A roller coaster.

lines 1-2: People who wish to ride a roller coaster do so voluntarily.

lines 3-4: The loading area and where the ride ends for roller coasters are typically not far apart.

lines 5-6: Line 5 alludes to the phrase “emotional roller coaster”. In line 6, “Loopy” is a reference to the fact that many roller coasters have loops.

lines 7-8: Most people find a roller coaster ride exhilarating and/or thrilling.

lines 9-10: A roller coaster is powered by the force of gravity. It might be considered as a test of courage to see if one is brave enough to take a ride on a roller coaster. Some may find this challenge enticing.

lines 11-12: Before the roller-coaster ride, there is often some degree of anxiousness or uneasiness. But afterwards, the rider usually feels positive about the experience, and quite possibly would want to go again for another ride. 

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

Jon and Bob were betting on a baseball game and Bob lost. To get back at him he bets Jon.

Bob says, “I bet you I can do two to three thousand push-ups in 10 minutes.” 

Jon says, “Fine, let’s see it. You couldn’t possibly win that bet.” 

Bob won the bet. How is that possible?

 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

funny-dog-pictures-i-was-like-oh-my-god

WELCOME to Wednesday, February 25, 2015.   

Wish I’d Said That….
We the unwilling, working for the ungrateful, are doing
the impossible. We have done so much, for so long,
with so little, we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing
 
You spend your whole life believing that you’re on the
right track, only to discover that you’re on the wrong train.
 
I know they say love is blind, but does it also have to
be deaf, dumb, and stupid ?
 
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can
not change, the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to
kill because they ticked me off.
 
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn’t.” — Erica Jong
 
“The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any
problem, it is generally employed only by small
children and large nations.”  — David Friedman
 
“He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the
next exit.”  — Unknown
 
“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to
complain.”  — Lily Tomlin
 
“Too bad the only people who know how to run the country
are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.”  — George Burns
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?” 

–Vince Lombardi 

“That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.” 

–Henry David Thoreau 

“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” 

–Mark Twain  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn’t find a single phone boot.

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘I’ve got a weird thing for girls who say ‘aboot’.’ 

Answer: Chasing Amy!    

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. My name.” 

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

 Below you will find uncommon titles to five award winning, or popular children’s books. How many can you decipher?

1. Where the Crimson Foliage Propagates.

2. Obscure Oasis

3. The Sunny Season of the Cygnus.

4. Feline in the Bonnet.

5. A Crumple in Chronology.

ANSWER: 1. Where the Red Fern Grows  2. Secret Garden  3. The Summer of the Swans

4. Cat in the Hat  5. A Wrinkle in Time 

Wednesday’s  Quizzler is……….

They turn themselves over to me

Completely voluntarily

Knowing before they’ve departed

They’ll end up near where they started

I may be called emotional

Loopy, perhaps commotional

For those brave souls who seek a thrill

I’m sure to nicely fit the bill

By a force of nature propelled

I’m courage-testing those compelled

Greeted with anxiousness and fret

Seldom exited with regret

What am I?

 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

download

WELCOME to Tuesday, February 24, 2015.    

Here’s the Story…… 
There once was a young man who lived on a farm. He wanted to get off the farm though, and dreamed of higher education as an escape from his surroundings. He was very industrious and saved every penny. Finally, he had saved enough to pay for tuition, and moved to the city to attend classes.
He decided to attend cooking school, and become a chef. He was quite adept at cooking as it turned out. Everyone at the school learned of his prowess, and made a point to taste his recipes whenever they had the chance. His real forte was as a dessert chef. He could turn out miracles with powdered sugar and fruit glazes. Charming the faculty with his skill, he graduated summa cum laude. Upon graduation, he was immediately snapped up by the fanciest gourmet restaurant in the city for their top dessert chef. He was instantly successful and his name became a household word, synonymous with the finest desserts available.
Eventually, the chef decided to give back to the community, and opened a cooking school of his own. This school would be intended as the premier dessert institute of all times. New and exciting ideas would be developed at the school. He decided in particular he would like to explore the use of caramel in dessertmaking. Also, he really wanted to push the envelope on what could be used in a dessert. However, it seemed he bit off more than than he could chew (no, this is not the pun). The chef’s ego had grown with his reputation, and he had let his success get to his head. Prideful and arrogant, he believed his critics to be peasants without taste, and kept making desserts like caramel-covered prime rib, mustard flavored caramels, caramel-filled okra, and tuna caramel casserole. Once his adoring fans, his audience now deserted him (that’s not the pun either). But his pride would not let him back down, and he railed against his critics as he kept teaching students to make atrocities against the palate and caramel in general. Finally, when the chef produced his caramel-injected haggis, the city had had enough. They petitioned the city to revoke his business license for his institute. The city administrators did them one better however, and cited the chef with disturbing the peace. The charge?
(This is the pun, by the way. Just thought you should know.)
“For an awful caramel college.”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

QUOTES OF THE DAY

“Kids? It’s like living with homeless people. They’re cute but they just chase you around all day long going, ‘Can I have a dollar? I’m missing a shoe! I need a ride!'” –Kathleen Madigan

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” -Douglas Adams

“When you’re a parent you’re a prisoner of war. You can’t go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids. In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents an hour, and they’d steam clean the carpet and detail your car. Now they’ve got their own union. I couldn’t afford it, so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn.” -Robert G. Lee 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. “Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?” she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. “It’s good to see you again, Rabbi,” I said. “Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.”

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother. 

“Imagine,” she whispered, “after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!” 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘You know what the Queen said? I had balls, I’d be a King.’

Answer: Mean Streets! Said by Charlie.  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  ‘I’ve got a weird thing for girls who say ‘aboot’.’

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Five siblings are they, their color is true;

One belongs to one, four are shared by two.

Connected together, some by locks;

Many meet their fate upon the rocks.

Arrange their initials, and you should

Find things that are found in a neighborhood.

What has just been described? 

ANSWER: The Great Lakes: Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie, Ontario

There are five, lakes being blue (as in true blue). Lake Michigan belongs to the United States, the other lakes are shared by the United States and Canada. The lakes are part of a chain, with locks between some of them. Many shipwrecks occur by grounding on rocks in shallow water. The initials spell “homes”, which are found in neighborhoods.

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Below you will find uncommon titles to five award winning, or popular children’s books. How many can you decipher?

1. Where the Crimson Foliage Propagates.

2. Obscure Oasis

3. The Sunny Season of the Cygnus.

4. Feline in the Bonnet.

5. A Crumple in Chronology.

 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 
 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Kim_Jong_Un_Haircut.0.0

WELCOME to Monday, February 23, 2015. 

REALLY? 
North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un debuted a new haircut — and a new … eyebrowcut? — at a politburo meeting on this past Wednesday. The style is a variation on Kim’s signature shaved sides, but with the top now sculpted into a high, wedge-shaped pompadour that sits atop Kim’s head like a hat, or perhaps a small, dormant woodland creature. The North Korean despot accessorized his new look with partially-shaven eyebrows that now stop just above his pupils.
 
This new haircut raises a number of important questions for anyone who follows North Korean politics. For instance:
 
What instructions did Kim Jong Un give his barber that resulted in this style?
Was it, “Hey, you know trapezoids?”
Or perhaps, “You know my main priority is to ensure that my ears do not feel crowded, let’s work on a ‘do that really lets the old face-handles breathe”?
Kim Jong Un famously adopted his shaved-sided, center-parted haircut as a way to signal connection with his grandfather and the country’s founding leader, Kim Il Sung. Now the sides are still shaved, but the center part is GONE. What does it mean?
Could it be that the new style conveys an intent to embrace the legacy of his father Kim Jong Il, who also often sported a uniform crest of hair unbroken by any parting?
Or is it intended to signify that North Korea, like Kim Jong Un’s hair, is reaching new heights and cannot be stopped by gravity or any other natural force?
Does his haircut sail majestically ever-upwards, unlike the North Korean Unha rocket that failed spectacularly after launch in 2012, breaking up over the Sea of Japan?
Could Kim Jong Un’s new haircut carry a warhead?
Could Kim Jong Un’s new haircut target Seoul?
Will the haircut affect the possible resumption of the six-party talks on the future of North Korea’s nuclear weapons program?
Given the haircut’s obvious strength, would it be prudent to consider it a potential party to the talks in its own right?
Will the parties to the multilateral negotiations now be North Korea, South Korea, Japan, China, Russia, the United States, and Kim Jong Un’s haircut?
Is Kim Jong Un’s haircut willing to negotiate in good faith?
What are the haircut’s demands?
Is the haircut committed to North Korea’s Juche communist ideology, or is it a pragmatist?
Would the haircut ever defect?
What if, hypothetically, the haircut were offered access to a tourmaline-coated ceramic straightening iron and residence in the western city of its choice?
How about some argan oil as a deal sweetener?
Doesn’t the haircut realize that it’s so much more than just an appendage to Kim Jong Un?
Why can’t the haircut just believe in its own potential for once?
Doesn’t the haircut want to be a star?
Hasn’t the haircut ever heard the maxim “fall down seven times, stand up eight?”
What does the haircut mean, “of course you’d quote a Japanese proverb”?
Why would the haircut think that was meant to be a reference to Japanese occupation of the Korean peninsula?
Why is the haircut suddenly so angry?
Oh god what is the haircut doing?
Is anyone else seeing this?
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. Carl Sagan 

What force is more potent than love? Igor Stravinsky

Art has to move you and design does not, unless it’s a good design for a bus. David Hockney

It appears to be a law that you cannot have a deep sympathy with both man and nature. Henry David Thoreau

Never ever wear anything that panics the cat. P. J. O’Rourke

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. “Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?” The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.” 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.’

Answer:  The Matrix! Starring Keanu Reeves.

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  ‘You know what the Queen said? I had balls, I’d be a King.’

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his wallet. 

He turns to the rich man and says to him, 

“I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed.” 

The rich man laughs.

The poor man says, “I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady’s name of your choice in it.” 

The rich man laughs again and says, “OK, how about my daughter’s name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?” 

The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich. 

What song did he sing? 

ANSWER: “Happy Birthday” This song can be sung with anyone’s name in it. 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

Five siblings are they, their color is true;

One belongs to one, four are shared by two.

Connected together, some by locks;

Many meet their fate upon the rocks.

Arrange their initials, and you should

Find things that are found in a neighborhood.

What has just been described?

 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS AND MS. KIM HILLYARD! GREAT JOB LADIESS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

DanPicard-Verge-08_verge_super_wide

WELCOME to Friday, February 20, 2015.   

Steven Wright Thoughts………..
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, “No, these are leaving at 3.” They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that’s the part you don’t want to get dirty.
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, “If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.” So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”…
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people and whatever 
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. –Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. –Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! –Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? –Ronnie Shakes 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. 

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! 

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. 

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. 

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. 

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”  

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘If you shoot this man, you die next. Repeat. If you shoot this man, you die next.’  

Answer: Reservoir Dogs! ‘Reservoir Dogs’ is a great crime movie.

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.’

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

The first is needed to make quotes you see,

And it often sticks up when it’s time for noon tea.

The second’s biggest distinction is found

Bearing the symbol of love that is bound.

The third should be biggest but that can depend,

Never standing alone or it may offend.

The fourth is oft used when making a selection

Or if you should need a gun for protection.

The fifth is the fattest and oddest by far,

And can sometimes be found in a wrestling war.

What are they? 

ANSWER: The digits of the hand! (The order on the poem is pinky, ring finger, middle finger, index or pointer finger, and thumb)

The pinky hits the quotation mark key on the keyboard when typing, and people often raise their pinky off the cup when drinking tea. The ring finger bears a wedding band when married. The middle finger is an obscene gesture when standing alone. You point with the index finger to make a selection, or use it to pull the trigger on a gun. The thumb can be used for thumb wrestling. 

Friday’s  Quizzler is……….

A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his wallet. 

He turns to the rich man and says to him, 

“I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed.” 

The rich man laughs.

The poor man says, “I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady’s name of your choice in it.” 

The rich man laughs again and says, “OK, how about my daughter’s name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?” 

The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich. 

What song did he sing?

 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

1016923_385013041654185_5525945234354867496_n

WELCOME to Thursday, February 19, 2015.    

10 RULES FOR GOOD HOUSEKEEPING
 
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
 
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
 
3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
 
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
 
5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
 
6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
 
7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
 
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
 
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
 
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Thursday people and whatever 
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?” -Seth Meyers

“Neil Armstrong’s widow was going through his closet and she found a bunch of things that he brought back with him from the moon, including some souvenirs. And I thought: Wait a minute, there’s a gift shop on the moon?” -Dave Letterman

“A new study found that married couples who go on double dates with other couples are more likely to have better relationships. They say it inspires better communication – on the ride home, when you talk about how much you hated the other couple.” -Jimmy Fallon 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

My son stayed up half the night studying for his English Literature exam. He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read “The Canterbury Tales.” I awoke at 4 A. M. and found him studying with mug in hand, and asked him, “What have you got there?”

He answered… “Just my cup and Chaucer.” 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  ‘Jimmy was the kind of guy that rooted for bad guys in the movies.’

Answer: Goodfellas! Henry Hill, commenting on James Conway, played by Robert De Niro. 

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘If you shoot this man, you die next. Repeat. If you shoot this man, you die next.’

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

When you behead a word, you remove the first letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.

Example: Begin -> Sour, acidic

Answer: The words are Start and Tart.

1. Skin problem; reckless -> Fire by-product

2. One way of moving a boat -> Requiring to pay

3. Loud noise -> Used to move a boat

4. Used to steer a boat -> Cow mammary gland

5. Distant -> Display feelings openly

6. One who patrols a region -> Strong displeasure

7. A connection among things -> Feeling of joy and pride

8. Quick political change -> Gradual biological change  

ANSWER: 1. Rash -> Ash  2. Rowing -> Owing  3. Roar -> Oar  4. Rudder -> Udder  5. Remote -> Emote

6. Ranger -> Anger  7. Relation -> Elation  8. Revolution -> Evolution 

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

The first is needed to make quotes you see,

And it often sticks up when it’s time for noon tea.

The second’s biggest distinction is found

Bearing the symbol of love that is bound.

The third should be biggest but that can depend,

Never standing alone or it may offend.

The fourth is oft used when making a selection

Or if you should need a gun for protection.

The fifth is the fattest and oddest by far,

And can sometimes be found in a wrestling war.

What are they?

 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji