Steven Wright Thoughts………..
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, “Give me two boys and a girl.”
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, “No, these are leaving at 3.” They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that’s the part you don’t want to get dirty.
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, “If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?” Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies.” So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”…
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. –Shirley Temple
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. –Doug Lars
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. –Bob Hope
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! –Tom Lehrer
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? –Ronnie Shakes
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘If you shoot this man, you die next. Repeat. If you shoot this man, you die next.’
Answer: Reservoir Dogs! ‘Reservoir Dogs’ is a great crime movie.
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.’
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
The first is needed to make quotes you see,
And it often sticks up when it’s time for noon tea.
The second’s biggest distinction is found
Bearing the symbol of love that is bound.
The third should be biggest but that can depend,
Never standing alone or it may offend.
The fourth is oft used when making a selection
Or if you should need a gun for protection.
The fifth is the fattest and oddest by far,
And can sometimes be found in a wrestling war.
What are they?
ANSWER: The digits of the hand! (The order on the poem is pinky, ring finger, middle finger, index or pointer finger, and thumb)
The pinky hits the quotation mark key on the keyboard when typing, and people often raise their pinky off the cup when drinking tea. The ring finger bears a wedding band when married. The middle finger is an obscene gesture when standing alone. You point with the index finger to make a selection, or use it to pull the trigger on a gun. The thumb can be used for thumb wrestling.
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his wallet.
He turns to the rich man and says to him,
“I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed.”
The rich man laughs.
The poor man says, “I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady’s name of your choice in it.”
The rich man laughs again and says, “OK, how about my daughter’s name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?”
The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich.
What song did he sing?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!