Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, December 22, 2014.    

A Dictionary for Women…….
 
Argument
(ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, and continues until he realizes it.
Airhead
(ayr•hed) n. An act you put on when pulled over for speeding.
Bar-be-que
(bar•buh•Q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up—for the dinner he made for his friends.”
Blonde jokes
(blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.
Cantaloupe
(kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer
(kloze drI•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda
(dI•it so•duh) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Diamond
(dI-mun) n. Something you think should be on your finger but he can only see in a baseball park.
Eternity
(e•ter•ni•tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise
(ex•er•siz) v. Walking up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list
(grow•sree list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair dresser
(hare dres•er) n. A magician who creates a hair style you can never duplicate.
Hardware store
(hard•wer stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space: once he goes in, he isn’t coming out any time soon.
Housework
(haws•wrk) n. Work around the house including moping and washing dishes.
Childbirth
(chIld•brth) n. You go through 36 hours of contractions. He holds your hand and says, “focus…breathe…push….”
Lipstick
(lip•stik) n. On your lips, a color to enhance your beauty of your mouth. On his collar, a color only a tramp would wear.
Park
(pahrk) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning “a place with a swing set and slide”.
Patience
(pay•shuns) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof mascara
(wah•tr•pruf mas•ka•ruh) n. Mascara that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but not when you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day
(va•lun•tInz dae) n. A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and   

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“A man was recently admitted to the hospital for surgery after doctors discovered he still had surgical scissors in his stomach from a procedure performed 12 years ago. Said his new doctor, ‘The surgery was a success. Now where are my keys?'” -Seth Meyers

“The Dalai Lama said there should be no more Dalai Lamas after his death. That’s particularly bad news for his son, Steve Lama.” -Conan O’Brien

“Here’s what we know about Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he’s with the NSA.” -Dave Letterman 

  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, “Can you deliver it filled with water?” 

Stunned, I replied, “Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!” 

After a short pause, she said, “Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?” 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? ‘So sorry, forgot to knock.’

Answer: Goldeneye! The famous James Bond says this to a Russian soldier who’s on the can, 

just before he punches him out. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???  ‘So where are you?’

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

“Welcome back to the show. Before the break, Mr Ixolite here made it to our grand finale! How do you feel Mr.Ix?”

“Nervous.”

“Okay, now to win the star prize of one million pounds all you have to do is answer the following question in 90 seconds.”

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“Right. In 90 seconds name 100 words that do NOT contain the letter ‘A’. Start the clock!”

Can you help?  

 

Answer: One, Two, Three, Four, Five……One Hundred! I just counted from 1 to 100 in ninety seconds (it is possible). 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have the initial sounds switched to form new words. For example, “churning bear” is a spoonerism for “burning chair” (note that the pairs do not have to be spelled the same – only sound the same). From the definitions below, can you figure out the spoonerism pairs?

1. Thumper’s cellphone…mis-named nerve.

2. Where to buy a mallard…jammed portal.

3. Grizzly relative…two pin-lovers.

4. Sad iguana…Merlin slam-dunking.

5. Wasp accelerates…Half a six-pack.

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

       

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