Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, December 15, 2014.    

One-linersClever wise One-liners

  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.A calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and   

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

 Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. – Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. – Mark Twain.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome

It takes a long time to grow an old friend. – John Leonard

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. – Benjamin Franklin

I think; therefore I am. – Rene Descartes

I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that. – Ellen DeGeneres

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. – Voltaire

A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’ 

The drunk says, ‘Okay, let’s get started.’ – Henny Youngman

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. – Tommy Cooper.

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Judge Jeffries was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asks, ‘What exactly are the grounds for your divorce?’

Amy replied, ‘Approximately four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.’

‘No,’ Judge Jeffries continued, ‘I mean what is the foundation of this case?’ 

‘It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,’ responded Amy promptly.

‘I mean,’ he sighed, ‘What are your relations like?’ 

‘Ah well, I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.’

Judge Jeffries asked, ‘Do you have a real grudge?’ 

‘No, we haven’t,’ Amy replied, ‘We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.’

‘Please,’ Judge Jeffries took a deep breath and tried again, ‘is there any infidelity in your marriage?’ 

‘Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes,’ smiled Amy.

‘Ma’am,’ Judge Jeffries raised his voice, ‘does your husband ever beat you up?’ 

‘Oh yes,’ Amy responded, ‘about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.’

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, ‘Lady, why do you want a divorce?’ 

‘Oh, I don’t want a divorce,’ Amy replied. ‘I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.’

Friday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? ‘Is it a girl?’ 

Answer:  Willow! Said by Queen Bavmorda, having found the child prophesized to destroy her.

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from??? ‘Now is the winter of our discontent.’

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

General Custer is surrounded by Indians and he’s the only cowboy left. He finds an old lamp in front of him and rubs it. Out pops a genie. The genie grants Custer one wish, with a catch. He says, “Whatever you wish for, each Indian will get two of the same thing.”  Custer ponders a while and thinks:”If I get a bow and arrow they get two. If I get a rifle they get two!” He then rubs the bottle again and out pops the genie. “Well,” the genie asks “have you made up your mind?”

What did Custer ask for to help him get away? 

Answer:  One Glass Eye

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

Answer the following with parts of the body. The first one is free! 

1. A strong box (chest) 

2. Heard in congress while voting 

3. Baby cows 

4. A shellfish 

5. A unit used to measure distance 

6. Scholars 

7. Part of a shoe 

8. What every builder must have 

9. Something made by whips 

10. What soldiers carry

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

     

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