Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesdays, December 31, 2014.    

Daffynitions for the last day of this year….. 
abdication — Giving up on stomach exercises.
adult — A person who has stopped growing up and starts growing out.
anarchy – Exception to the rule.
ashtray — Pig Latin for a piece of trash.
atheist — A believer in non-belief.
autopsy — A dying practice.
bachelor — A guy who never finds out how many faults he has.
bankers — The rooters of all evil.
bargain — Something that makes you think you’re saving money when you’re spending it.
bore — Someone who, when you ask how he is, tells you.
bureaucracy — Capital punishment.
cannibal — Someone who is fed up with people.
card — Someone in a play suit.
chef — A cook with a large hat and a head to fill it.
chickens — Animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
church — Where the world is seen through stained-glass.
committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
consciousness — That nightmare between sleeps.
custody — The last battle in a marriage.
cynics — Ignorant people who are ruining the county.
death — The only escape from taxes.
dictionary — The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
dignify — A way to make the hole you’re in look good.
diplomat — A person who tells you to get lost and you can’t wait to get started.
download — A crucial step in making a pillow.
dust — Mud with the juice squeezed out.
esoteric — A word known only by esoteric people.
expression — Non-stop talking.
finance — The artful application of arithmetic.
flabbergasted — Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror.
flashlight — A case for holding dead batteries.
fortune teller — A bank employee who only deal with large accounts.
gossip — An independent news source.
government — A necessity we could do without.
hanging — A suspended sentence.
hangover — The wrath of grapes.
headache — A cheap and effective contraceptive.
heirloom — A dead giveaway.
honeymoon — When a married couple moon their honeys.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, I’ll see you next year, and remember whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.” –George Burns

“An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous.” –Henry Ford

“Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.” –Mark Twain  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool. One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. “Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine,” the doctor said to the patient, “You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today.” The patient replied, “He didn’t hang himself; I hung him there to dry.”  

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘You broke out of jail?’ ‘No, we released ourselves on our own recognizance.’

Answer: Raising Arizona! Hi’s friends tell his wife this after they’ve broken out of jail and came to their house to stay a while.

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘Lose it? I didn’t ‘lose’ it. It’s not like whoops where’d my job go. I QUIT!’

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Take the given words, and by moving a single letter from one word to the other, make a pair of synonyms, or near synonyms. For example, given: Boast – Hip, move the ‘s’ from ‘Boast’ to ‘Hip’ creating two synonyms: Boat – Ship.

1. Burn – Bead

2. Rid – Tripe

3. Grove – Rout

4. Charm – Rush

5. Cream – Sweep

ANSWER: 1. Bun – Bread  2. Ride – Trip  3. Groove – Rut  4. Harm – Crush  5. Scream – Weep

Wednesday’s  Quizzler is……….

A man is trapped in a room. The room has only two possible exits: two doors. Through the first door there is a room constructed from magnifying glass. The blazing hot sun instantly fries anything or anyone that enters. Through the second door there is a fire-breathing dragon. How does the man escape?

 
 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

        

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Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesdays, December 30, 2014.    

Sniglets: Imaginative Words 
Ledzecutive n. A middle-aged businessman who still plays in a rock-and-roll band, or would like to.
Equalotry n. The worship of equality.
Sinistrovert n. Someone who compulsively reads magazines from back to front.
Barendipity n. Not finding something where you expect to find it.
Dijon vu n. The same mustard as before.
Ice-slug n. The last piece of ice remaining at the bottom of a paper cup that just won’t come out.
Snoralator n. An easier word to pronounce and remember than CPAP, a breathing device that prevents
snoring and sleep apnea.
Hydrocondiment n. The watery discharge that accumulates in the mustard or ketchup bottle that comes out first and makes your bread all wet.
Lemonator n. A caustic comment that sours an otherwise pleasant conversation.
Typo-blindness n. The inability to recognize a typo in your e-mail until you’ve pushed the “Send” button.
Confuseless adj. Feeling confused and useless due to pain medication or insomnia.
Napture n. A refreshing, fantastic nap. Especially if you are someone with chronic pain or
illness (we often suffer with severe insomnia).
Cinemuck n. The combination of popcorn, candy, and soda pop on movie theater floors that makes them sticky.
Parkrastinate n. The inability to decide which parking space to choose in a near empty parking lot.
Poufulation n. When a cat gets scared and puff out their tails.
Rectodigitation n. A prostate exam.
Dogdew (dawg-dyoo) n. The moisture on a dog’s nose.
Wheelberg (wheel-burg) n. A large lump of ice that builds up behind a car wheel when it is driven through snow.
Bi-sacksual (bye-sack-shu-ul) adj. Able to accept either a paper or plastic sack for groceries at
the supermarket without any sense of guilt.
Ambaguous (am-bag-you-us) adj. Unable to decide which bag to take on a trip. Women are sometimes
ambaguous about which purse goes better with which dress.
Typelepsy (type-uh-lep-si) n. Having an error rate that exceeds your typing speed.
Namenesia (nay-muh-knee-zhuh) n. Remember everything about a person except their name.
Smellucination (smel-loo-suh-ney-shuhn) n. Thinking you smell something you really don’t.
Transtexting n. Sending a text to the wrong person on your iPhone while texting with two people at the same time.
Spontanudity (spon-tuh-noo-di-tee) n. A quick or rash decision to remove clothing, usually in
public and usually after imbibing a large amount of alcohol.
Kidoozled (ki-doo-zuld) adj. Used to describe parents who erroneously assume that other people
find the pranks of their offspring as charming as they do.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Tuesday people, and   

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn’t they ever think to do their work during the daytime?” -Jersey Tomato

“I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted to do before I die. Omigod…how embarrassing. Number One: Touch a boobie.” –Drew Carey

“If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.” –Doug Larson  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument. 

“Are there two pints in a quart or four?” asked one. 

“There be two pints in a quart,” confirmed the proprietor. 

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order. 

“Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us.” 

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?” 

“That’s right,” he called back, “two pints.”

Monday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘I just need you to know one thing, that woman, that you saw, by the pool, no, that girl that you just have to spend the rest of your life with…that was me.’

Answer: America’s Sweethearts! Kiki tells Eddie this after they had hooked up for the night and then he told Gwen he wasn’t seeing anyone. He thought it was Gwen by the pool but it was really Kiki. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ‘You broke out of jail?’ ‘No, we released ourselves on our own recognizance.’

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Two men went deep into the Dutch Forest: one, a small, meek man; the other, a monster.

They walked for days, until, out of food, they got desperate. The monster murdered the meek man, and ate him for dinner!

He left no remains, whatsoever, and was seen by no one. On his return to civilisation he told no one.

Who was the murdering, cannibalistic monster? 

 

Answer: Me! I told no one, therefore no one else could know about the incident. Only the murderer could tell the story! 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Take the given words, and by moving a single letter from one word to the other, make a pair of synonyms, or near synonyms. For example, given: Boast – Hip, move the ‘s’ from ‘Boast’ to ‘Hip’ creating two synonyms: Boat – Ship.

1. Burn – Bead

2. Rid – Tripe

3. Grove – Rout

4. Charm – Rush

5. Cream – Sweep

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Mondays, December 29, 2014.    

Funny Newspaper Headlines…….  
  • Autos killing 210 a Day; Let’s Resolve to do Better
  • Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn’t Seen in Years
  • Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
  • Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
  • Dealers will Hear Car Talk at Noon
  • Drunk Drivers Paid $2,000 in 2012
  • Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  • Eye Drops Off Shelf
  • Farmer Bill Dies in House
  • Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
  • If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly it May Last a While
  • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  • Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  • Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
  • Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy
  • Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
  • Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
  • Robber Holds Up Albert’s Hosiery
  • Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
  • Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
  • Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
  • Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  • Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  • Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
  • Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  • Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
  • Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter
  • Two Soviet Ships Collide – One Dies
  • War Dims Hope for Peace
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and   

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“The White House hosted its annual Hanukkah party and everything was going great until Biden tugged on a rabbi’s beard and said, ‘You’re not Santa.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” —Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” —Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson

“He had delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” —Jack E. Leonard

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” —Robert Redford

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?” 

 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘Once upon a time there was a lovely princess, but she had an enchantment on her of a fearful sort.’ 

Answer: Shrek! This is the opening voice over as Shrek reads from a more traditional fairy tale. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ‘I just need you to know one thing, that woman, that you saw, by the pool, no, that girl that you just have to spend the rest of your life with…that was me.’

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

What do these groups of words have in common?

1. Man true, hairy

2. Son nick, yard rich

3. Son will, row wood

4. Grant, us list you

5. More fill, lard mill

6. Ding hard, wren war 

 

Answer:  If you read the words in each group from right to left, each group sounds out the name of a US President, with commas separating the first and last names.

1. Harry Tru-man

2. Rich-ard Nix-on

3. Wood-row Wil-son

4. U-lyss-es Grant

5. Mil-lard Fill-more

6. War-ren Har-ding

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

Two men went deep into the Dutch Forest: one, a small, meek man; the other, a monster.

They walked for days, until, out of food, they got desperate. The monster murdered the meek man, and ate him for dinner!

He left no remains, whatsoever, and was seen by no one. On his return to civilisation he told no one.

Who was the murdering, cannibalistic monster?

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

       

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

real-men

WELCOME to Wednesday, December 24, 2014.    

Funny Misspelled Words…….. 
While working for a security firm, Dennis Spradling was given written orders stating, “You are not allowed to except any bribes.” [accept]
Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river. [dams]
Grace Varney’s voice broke with emotion as she clutched her toe-headed daughter as her son clung to her side. [tow-headed]
Full coarse meals. [course]
Every morning my father takes exercises to strengthen his abominable muscles. [abdominal]
During peek season the beach is covered with hundreds of bikini-clad beauties. [peak]
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. [pistil]
Many people believe he was a Satin worshipper. [Satan]
In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal. [steel]
Carats, two for 39 cents. [carrots]
My uncle suffers from sick as hell anemia. [sickle-cell]
They gave William IV a lovely funeral. It took six men to carry the beer. [bier]
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people, and   

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn’t come from a store.

Dr. Seuss

 

The two most joyous times of the year are Christmas morning and the end of school.

Alice Cooper

Every gift which is given, even though is be small, is in reality great, if it is given with affection.

Pindar

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

 

The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value. – Charles Dudley 

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!

Charles Dickens

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend in the Soviet Embassy by the name of Rudolph Nosov, who would drop by occasionally. One evening, Gerald and his wife, Peg, were sitting in the kitchen chatting when Gerald looked out the window and said, “Look, it’s snowing.” Rudolph looked out and said very quickly, “No, I think it is just rain.” “I’m sure it is snow,” insisted Gerald. “And I am just as sure that it is rain,” said Rudolph. At this point Gerald turned to Peg to settle the argument. Peg looked out the window for a moment, then said, “What can I say? Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear.” 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘First there was darkness.’ 

 

Answer: Dark City! ‘And then came The Strangers,’ as said by Dr. Schreber (Kiefer Sutherland) during the opening voice over of ‘Dark City.’ 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???  ‘Once upon a time there was a lovely princess, but she had an enchantment on her of a fearful sort.’

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Ryan and Craig were identical twins born in Seattle in 1961. Ryan was born before Craig, but according to their birth certificates, Craig was older than Ryan. How come? 

 

Answer: Ryan and Craig were born in the fall on the day that the clocks are set back one hour. Ryan was born at 1:45am. Craig was born 30 minutes later. Since the clocks were set back at 2am, Craig’s official time of birth was 1:15am. 

Wednesday’s  Quizzler is……….

What do these groups of words have in common?

1. Man true, hairy

2. Son nick, yard rich

3. Son will, row wood

4. Grant, us list you

5. More fill, lard mill

6. Ding hard, wren war

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

       

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, December 23, 2014.    

Just Punning Around…..
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen the mall.
Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Tuesday people, and   

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Christmas is a strange holiday. It’s Jesus’ birthday. But Nobody knows Jesus’ exact birthday because he refuses to sign up for Facebook.” Jimmy Kimmel

“It is officially one week until Christmas. That means if you’re a guy, you have six days until you have to start shopping.” -Conan O’Brien

“An olive oil bar has opened in Brooklyn. It offers more than 40 different kinds of olive oil. If you’d like to know more, wait until your girlfriend drags you there.” -Seth Meyers

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 A literature buff, my friend Larry installed an answering machine on his telephone. Instead of the usual instructions about leaving a message, Larry recorded a parody of Hamlet’s famous soliloquy: “To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all.”

Monday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘So where are you?’

 

Answer: Memento! Guy Pearce as Leonard asks this question in a voice over after the opening scene. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???   ‘First there was darkness.’

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have the initial sounds switched to form new words. For example, “churning bear” is a spoonerism for “burning chair” (note that the pairs do not have to be spelled the same – only sound the same). From the definitions below, can you figure out the spoonerism pairs?

1. Thumper’s cellphone…mis-named nerve.

2. Where to buy a mallard…jammed portal.

3. Grizzly relative…two pin-lovers.

4. Sad iguana…Merlin slam-dunking.

5. Wasp accelerates…Half a six-pack. 

 

Answer: 1. Bunny phone…funny bone.

2. Duck store…stuck door.

3. Polar bear…bowler pair.

4. Weeping lizard…leaping wizard.

5. Bee throttles…three bottles. 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Ryan and Craig were identical twins born in Seattle in 1961. Ryan was born before Craig, but according to their birth certificates, Craig was older than Ryan. How come?

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

       

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, December 22, 2014.    

A Dictionary for Women…….
 
Argument
(ahr•gyoo•munt) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, and continues until he realizes it.
Airhead
(ayr•hed) n. An act you put on when pulled over for speeding.
Bar-be-que
(bar•buh•Q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up—for the dinner he made for his friends.”
Blonde jokes
(blahnd joks) n. Jokes short enough for men to understand.
Cantaloupe
(kant•e•lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer
(kloze drI•yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda
(dI•it so•duh) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Diamond
(dI-mun) n. Something you think should be on your finger but he can only see in a baseball park.
Eternity
(e•ter•ni•tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise
(ex•er•siz) v. Walking up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list
(grow•sree list) n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair dresser
(hare dres•er) n. A magician who creates a hair style you can never duplicate.
Hardware store
(hard•wer stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space: once he goes in, he isn’t coming out any time soon.
Housework
(haws•wrk) n. Work around the house including moping and washing dishes.
Childbirth
(chIld•brth) n. You go through 36 hours of contractions. He holds your hand and says, “focus…breathe…push….”
Lipstick
(lip•stik) n. On your lips, a color to enhance your beauty of your mouth. On his collar, a color only a tramp would wear.
Park
(pahrk) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning “a place with a swing set and slide”.
Patience
(pay•shuns) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof mascara
(wah•tr•pruf mas•ka•ruh) n. Mascara that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but not when you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day
(va•lun•tInz dae) n. A day when you dream of a candle light dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and   

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“A man was recently admitted to the hospital for surgery after doctors discovered he still had surgical scissors in his stomach from a procedure performed 12 years ago. Said his new doctor, ‘The surgery was a success. Now where are my keys?'” -Seth Meyers

“The Dalai Lama said there should be no more Dalai Lamas after his death. That’s particularly bad news for his son, Steve Lama.” -Conan O’Brien

“Here’s what we know about Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he’s with the NSA.” -Dave Letterman 

  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, “Can you deliver it filled with water?” 

Stunned, I replied, “Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!” 

After a short pause, she said, “Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?” 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? ‘So sorry, forgot to knock.’

Answer: Goldeneye! The famous James Bond says this to a Russian soldier who’s on the can, 

just before he punches him out. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???  ‘So where are you?’

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

“Welcome back to the show. Before the break, Mr Ixolite here made it to our grand finale! How do you feel Mr.Ix?”

“Nervous.”

“Okay, now to win the star prize of one million pounds all you have to do is answer the following question in 90 seconds.”

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“Right. In 90 seconds name 100 words that do NOT contain the letter ‘A’. Start the clock!”

Can you help?  

 

Answer: One, Two, Three, Four, Five……One Hundred! I just counted from 1 to 100 in ninety seconds (it is possible). 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have the initial sounds switched to form new words. For example, “churning bear” is a spoonerism for “burning chair” (note that the pairs do not have to be spelled the same – only sound the same). From the definitions below, can you figure out the spoonerism pairs?

1. Thumper’s cellphone…mis-named nerve.

2. Where to buy a mallard…jammed portal.

3. Grizzly relative…two pin-lovers.

4. Sad iguana…Merlin slam-dunking.

5. Wasp accelerates…Half a six-pack.

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

       

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

FrightenedEggs

WELCOME to Friday, December 19, 2014.   

Linguistically Challenged….. 
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.
13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
14. Great dames for sale.
15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
21. Man, honest. Will take anything.
22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
26. And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Friday people, and   

whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life. – William Morris 

The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls. – Pablo Picasso

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart. Mahatma Gandhi

Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily. Napoleon Bonaparte

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become. C. S. Lewis

That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. Elizabeth Wurtzel

In every day, there are 1,440 minutes. That means we have 1,440 daily opportunities to make a positive impact. Les Brown

  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A little boy named Tony wants a bike for Christmas really badly, but the kid is a real bad seed, and he knows it. He writes a letter to Jesus. “Dear Jesus, if I get a bike for Christmas, I’ll be good for a whole week.” He thinks about it, crosses out what he wrote, and says, “I can’t be good for a whole week, I’ll be good for five days.” He crosses that out and writes, “I’ll be good for four days.” Then he thinks again and says, “Can’t do that.” He gets down to one day and says, “I can’t even be good for a day.” Then in frustration, goes in his mother’s room and get the statue of the Virgin Mary, wraps it up in a blanket, puts it in a paper bag, throws it in the closet and says, “Dear Jesus, if I don’t get a bike for Christmas, you’ll never see your mother again!” 

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? ‘Neighbors heard them screaming at each other like for two hours, it was nothing new. 

Then they heard the gun go off.’  

Answer: Seven! This is said by a police officer who is explaining a crime scene to detective Summerset. 

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from??? ‘So sorry, forgot to knock.’

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

(Thing 1)

I, at the start, am old

Many centuries I’ve been told

Used by the Greeks

For counting techniques

After things were bought and sold

Later is when I became known

As an infinite figure, when shown

You’ve counted my spaces

Over two billion places

And still, my amount is unknown

(Thing 2)

I, too, am not young

I’m almost as old as Thing 1

I’m just a frog

On the natural log

But I can make counting fun

(Thing 1 and Thing 2)

When you combine us two

In the order of Thing 1 and Thing 2

We’ll be a baked treat

That’s painful to beat

Whether cherry, peach, or aloo

 

Answer: Thing 1 is “Pi.”   Thing 2 is “e,” the base of the natural logarithm.  Thing 1 and 2 are, together, “Pie.”

(an aloo pie is a potato pie) 

Friday’s  Quizzler is……….

“Welcome back to the show. Before the break, Mr Ixolite here made it to our grand finale! How do you feel Mr.Ix?”

“Nervous.”

“Okay, now to win the star prize of one million pounds all you have to do is answer the following question in 90 seconds.”

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“Right. In 90 seconds name 100 words that do NOT contain the letter ‘A’. Start the clock!”

Can you help?

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji