WELCOME to Thursday, September 4, 2014.
Steven Wright one liners…….
- Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- I have a map of the world at home. Full size, I spent last summer folding it.
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- How did a fool and his money get together?
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
- What’s another word for thesaurus?
- Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
- If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…and replaced by exact duplicates.
- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
- My mechanic told me, ‘I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
- And whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘Lisp’ to have a ‘S’ in it?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do,
Judge Jeffries was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asks, ‘What exactly are the grounds for your divorce?’
Amy replied, ‘Approximately four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.’
‘No,’ Judge Jeffries continued, ‘I mean what is the foundation of this case?’
‘It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,’ responded Amy promptly.
‘I mean,’ he sighed, ‘What are your relations like?’
‘Ah well, I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.’
Judge Jeffries asked, ‘Do you have a real grudge?’
‘No, we haven’t,’ Amy replied, ‘We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.’
‘Please,’ Judge Jeffries took a deep breath and tried again, ‘is there any infidelity in your marriage?’
‘Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to
your questions is yes,’ smiled Amy.
‘Ma’am,’ Judge Jeffries raised his voice, ‘does your husband ever beat you up?’
‘Oh yes,’ Amy responded, ‘about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.’
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, ‘Lady, why do you want a divorce?’
‘Oh, I don’t want a divorce,’ Amy replied. ‘I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.’
Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
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