Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏

10541993_616121295158839_4816697985615778696_n

WELCOME to Tuesday, September 30, 2014.    

Grandma Beats Up Airport Security Guards

By Bob Wallace

True story about Grammy Gordon - Airline

Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth ‘Grammy’ Gordon, an 83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged with assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because of an altercation she had last week with six airport security guards, that left all six hospitalized.  ‘Justice has been served’, said the 95-pound mother of three and grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. ‘Now I’m going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I’m an American, and I won’t be treated like this.’

The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an airplane. ‘These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals’, she said, ‘but they’re dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then they pull me aside and tell me they’re going to search me? I don’t think so.’

According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard, ‘who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt out, told this woman she couldn’t board the plane unless they searched her. He was really rude. That’s when the trouble started.’


Security guard Ruth 'Grammy' Gordon

Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair in circles. ‘Doofus was so fat he couldn’t get up’, said Gordon with a giggle.

One guard who attempted to pull Gordon’s wheelchair off of the screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was also left dazed on the floor. Witnesses said she was cackling, ‘Put your hands on an old lady, will you?’ as she bashed both guards. The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon’s wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock.’ What a wimp, ‘she told reporters.’ He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked.’

‘It was amazing’, said another witness, a Scott Ryan. ‘The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt.’

A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter than had escaped detection.’ He just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear, ‘said Ryan.

A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. ‘I think that was the wrong thing to do, ‘said another witness, who declined to be identified.’ She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out he went.’

After all this, Gordon’s chair was still sitting on top of the first guard.

The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, ‘Apologize to me, you fat sumbitech, or when I’m done with you you’ll just be a greasy spot on the floor!’

As the crowd roared, the guard cried, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Uncle! I won’t do it again!’Ruth 'Grammy' Gordon urban myth

Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance.’ We didn’t have any choice, ‘said an unidentified officer of the court.’ Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot.’

Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. ‘I doubt there’s a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of anything, ‘said one of the lawyers.

‘I’m flying again tomorrow’, Gordon told reporters. ‘And I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong.’

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather – because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?” -Jimmy Fallon

“Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget – $74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly, $26 million less than it cost to make the movie ‘Gravity.'” -Jimmy Kimmel 

“According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they’ll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother’s maiden name.” -Seth Meyers

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A man was showing his friend a new set of matching golf clubs he had just bought.

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”

“What did you buy your wife?” the friend asked.

The man said, “A new matching bicycle and lawn mower.”

 

Monday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘Jump back.’

Answer: Footloose! When the ‘stunning new gentleman’ finds out dancing has been outlawed. 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???  ‘Do you want to come over for a mineral water or something?’

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

A two hundred dollar purchase

With a twenty-five dollar rent,

Until you have all four of us,

Then an even return you’ll get.

One is next to Illinois,

And one borders Virginia.

One has no state name next to it,

The fourth’s near Pennsylvania

What are we?

Answer: The railroads in the U.S. version of the game of Monopoly! Emoji

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

What is the smallest whole number that, when written out, uses all the vowels, A, E, I, O, U and even Y one and one time only each in its spelling?

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER DIVA OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! SUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

EmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Advertisements

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏

984205_615780361859599_2291271294093065994_n

WELCOME to Monday, September 29, 2014.    

Ten Very Funny Tales: You Couldn’t Make It Up!…………….

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two [counterfeit] $16 bills.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other’s head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, Missouri, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle laboured for thirteen years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an inebriated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was “tired of walking,” stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Some sad news from the world of reality TV. Mama June and Sugar Bear from ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ are splitting up. Their lawyers are citing unintelligible differences.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Many of the leaders and assistants to the leaders from around the world were in attendance at the U.N. Climate Summit. They say this was arguably the most high-profile, significant meeting that will in no way change anything whatsoever.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A bachelorette party missing since Monday after a hurricane hit has been found and safely returned to California. When asked about the ordeal one of the girls said, ‘We were screaming, everything was spinning, there were bodies everywhere — and then the hurricane hit.'” -Seth Meyers

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, “What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?”  Expecting to see “the D-Day invasion” as the answer, I found instead on one paper, “Moses and the plague of frogs.”  

 

Friday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘Good…I’m looking for a job with the least amount of responsibility.’

 

Answer: American Beauty! Kevin Spacey at his interview at Mr. Smiley’s Burgers. 

 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???  ‘Jump back.’

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

According to U.S. law, there are officially designated days that all U.S. flags are to be flown at half-mast (for example: Memorial Day). The President and state governors also have the right to declare certain days that flags are to be flown at half-mast. 

There is a particular group of U.S. flags that are never lowered to half-mast and appear to “violate” this U.S. Law. These flags were erected by U.S. Military personnel, but those troops will never be accused of doing anything wrong for those violations.

These flags are currently displayed today, and they have been for numerous years. Where is this particular group of flags displayed? 

Answer:  These flags are on the moon. The first of these U.S. flags were deployed to the moon on July 20, 1969 by NASA astronauts. There are a total of 6 US flags deployed to the moon surface, one for each visit to the moon (Apollo 11, 12, 14, 15, 16 & 17). We can only assume they are still standing and were not knocked down when the lunar modules’ engines fired.

 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

A two hundred dollar purchase

With a twenty-five dollar rent,

Until you have all four of us,

Then an even return you’ll get.

One is next to Illinois,

And one borders Virginia.

One has no state name next to it,

The fourth’s near Pennsylvania

What are we?

 
 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER DIVA OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! SUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏

1239753_468842509903081_1586987461_n

WELCOME to Friday, September 26, 2014.  

Really?……..

  1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  3. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  4. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  6. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  7. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
  8. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.Funny Wisdom
  9. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
  10. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.   

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. Brian Pickrell

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. 

It went a lot faster with two people digging.  Joe Martin

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.  Clarence Darrow

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. Charlie Brown

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.  Reba McEntire

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West

After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. Spike Milligan

He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot.  

He that dare not is a slave.  Andrew Carnegie

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

George, Jack and Simon were at a conference together in Chicago and they were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were upset to hear that the lifts in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

George said to Jack and Simon, let’s break the boredom of this horrendous climb by concentrating on something more interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jack can sing songs for 25 flights, and Simon can tell sad stories the rest of the way.  At the 26th floor George stopped telling jokes and Jack began to sing.  At the 51st floor Jack stopped singing and Simon began to tell sad stories.   ‘I will tell my saddest story first,’ he muttered gloomily, ‘I left our room key in the car.’

 

Thursday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘Frank…, you fought with inspiration.’  

Answer:  Bloodsport! Once the Kuma-Tei is over and Frank (Van Damme) is being presented with a sword.

Friday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???  ‘Good…I’m looking for a job with the least amount of responsibility.’

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Below are incomplete words. Place three (3) letters in each bracket so that you can complete the word on the left and begin the word on the right. Good luck.

unf (_ _ _ ) est

to (_ _ _) tures

hic (_ _ _) ful

eit (_ _ _) etic

fee (_ _ _) eder

he (_ _ _) ful 

Answer: unfold – oldest  topic – pictures  hiccup – cupful  either – heretic  feeble – bleeder  heart – artful 

 

Friday’s  Quizzler is……….

According to U.S. law, there are officially designated days that all U.S. flags are to be flown at half-mast (for example: Memorial Day). The President and state governors also have the right to declare certain days that flags are to be flown at half-mast. 

There is a particular group of U.S. flags that are never lowered to half-mast and appear to “violate” this U.S. Law. These flags were erected by U.S. Military personnel, but those troops will never be accused of doing anything wrong for those violations.

These flags are currently displayed today, and they have been for numerous years. Where is this particular group of flags displayed?

 
 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER DIVA OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! SUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

funny-eyebrows

WELCOME to Thursday, September 25, 2014.  

Extracts from Funny Resumes……

1. ‘I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.’

2. ‘I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.’

3. ‘I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.’

4. ‘Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.’

5. ‘Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.’

6. ‘Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.’

7. ‘It’s best for employers that I not work with people.’

8. ‘Let’s meet , so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.’

9. ‘You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.’

10. ‘Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.’

11. ‘I was working for my mom until she decided to move.’

12. ‘Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.’

13. ‘I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.’

14 ‘I am loyal to my employer at all costs….Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.’

15. ‘I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. ‘

16. ‘My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.’

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“A new study found that artificial sweeteners in diet soda might actually increase some people’s chances of obesity. Doctors recommend people just drink water, while people said, ‘No. We’re drinking diet soda. You guys figure it out.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“A man scaled the White House fence and ran across the lawn to the front door. The White House has re-evaluated its security and today they announced they’ll start locking the front door. They’re also going to start asking who’s there when someone knocks.” -Conan O’Brien

“It’s a sad day as we hear that America’s sweethearts – the Honey Boo Boos, Mama June and Sugar Bear – are separating. Apparently Mama June caught Sugar Bear cheating with other women. They were Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, Little Debbie, Sara Lee, and Aunt Jemima.” -Craig Ferguson 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator’s office. ‘What is the meaning of this?’ the personnel officer asked. ‘When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position You’ve ever held.’

‘True’, the young man answered with a smile, ‘in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination.’  

 

Wednesday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? ‘5 O’Clock…Jazzersize.’

 Answer: The Grinch! The Grinch (Jim Carrey) making the excuse that his schedule wouldn’t allow it. 

 Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this

quote from??? ‘Frank…, you fought with inspiration.’

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

The word candy can be spelled with just 2 letters. Can you guess which ones? 

Answer: c and y Emoji

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

Below are incomplete words. Place three (3) letters in each bracket so that you can complete the word on the left and begin the word on the right. Good luck.

unf (_ _ _ ) est

to (_ _ _) tures

hic (_ _ _) ful

eit (_ _ _) etic

fee (_ _ _) eder

he (_ _ _) ful

 
 
 

TODAY’S MOVIE DIVA OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏

6-74703-mm_babymeme22-1406927581
WELCOME to Wednesday, September 24, 2014.      

A Woman Should Have ….. 

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…A Woman Should Have....

A Woman Should Have  ……

Something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A Woman Should Have ….. 

A youth she’s content to leave behind….

A Woman Should Have  ……

A past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age….

A Woman Should Have  …….

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A Woman Should Have  ……

One friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A Woman Should Have  ……

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A Woman Should Have  ……Every Woman Should Know

Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honoured…

A Woman Should Have  ……

A feeling of control over her destiny.

Every Woman Should Know …..»

How to fall in love without losing herself.

Every Woman Should Know …..

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

Every Woman Should Know …..

When to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

Every Woman Should Know …..

That she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

Every Woman Should Know …..

That her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

Every Woman Should Know …..

What she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

Every Woman Should Know …..

How to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

Every Woman Should Know …..

Whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally.. ..

Every Woman Should Know …..Cabin in the winter

Where to go, be it to her best friend’s kitchen table, or a charming inn in the woods; when her soul needs soothing… 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.’ 

Joe Martin

A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5 and ends giving $5 worth for $500.’

Benjamin H. Brewster

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

John Adams

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Aesop

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool. 

LM Boyd

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

John Adams

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.

Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A defendant was on trial for murder.  There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.  In the defence’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, ‘the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  ‘Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.  ‘He looked toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.  Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.’  

Jury - Guilty Verdict

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.  A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

‘But how?’ inquired the lawyer.  ‘You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.’  The jury foreman replied, ‘Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t look he just stared straight ahead.’ 

 

Tuesday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘It doesn’t matter, I don’t like my job…and I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore.’

 Answer: Office Space! When Peter is coming to terms with his dream of doing nothing. 

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this

quote from??? ‘5 O’Clock…Jazzersize.’

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

 Find an anagram for each word in Group A. Each anagram will answer one of the clues in Group B.

Group A

1. Sharp

2. Snaky

3. Toner

4. Agree

5. Optic

6. Neigh

7. Rosin

Group B

1. Singing voice

2. Golf clubs

3. Subject 

4. Stringed instruments

5. Jointed device

6. Type of beaver

7. Americans overseas

Answer: 1. Harps (4)  2. Yanks (7)  3. Tenor (1)  4. Eager (6)  5. Topic (3)  6. Hinge (5)  7. Irons (2)

 

Wednesday’s  Quizzler is……….

The word candy can be spelled with just 2 letters. Can you guess which ones?

 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!  SUPER DUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏

6-74699-mm_babymeme20-1406927580

WELCOME to Tuesday, September 23, 2014.      

Groucho Marx Quotes…….

Room service?  Send up a larger room.

I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff.  If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.

How do you feel about women’s rights?  I like either side of them.   

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

‘Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.’

‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’   

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  

Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. It’s always fun when people who can’t stand each other come together, make speeches, and glare at each other in silent hatred, knowing they won’t have to see each other for a whole year. It’s like international Thanksgiving.” -Craig Ferguson

“Matt Damon is planning to shoot a fourth ‘Bourne Identity’ movie. It tells the story of an actor who gradually remembers he has four kids to send to college.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol. While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing.” -Seth Meyers 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people’s hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.  By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, “How long, Lord? How long?”  Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. “Ma’am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you,” he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.  Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.

The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, “Praise the Lord!” and ran inside. 

 

Monday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘Why don’t you put her in charge?’

 

Answer: Aliens! Hudson (Bill Paxton) when complaining about Ripley using Newt as an example. 

 

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from???  ‘It doesn’t matter, I don’t like my job…and I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore.’

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

I can be repeated,

But often not in the same way.

I can’t be changed,

But can be rewritten.

I can be forgotten,

And can also be lost with death.

My first is in horses,

But not in ponies.

My last is in pretty,

But not in beautiful.

What am I? 

 

Answer: History.

 

Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….

Find an anagram for each word in Group A. Each anagram will answer one of the clues in Group B.

Group A

1. Sharp

2. Snaky

3. Toner

4. Agree

5. Optic

6. Neigh

7. Rosin

Group B

1. Singing voice

2. Golf clubs

3. Subject 

4. Stringed instruments

5. Jointed device

6. Type of beaver

7. Americans overseas

 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!  SUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS! Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

  

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏

10616570_707565279327760_871235965971676271_n

WELCOME to Monday, September 22, 2014.    

Thoughts About Aging……

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

‘How old are you?’ I’m four and a half!’ you’re never thirty-six and a half. you’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

‘How old are you?’ I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life … You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony … YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90’s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.’ I’m 100 and a half!’

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.  

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  

Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do 

than by the ones you did do. – Mark Twain  

The journey to happiness involves finding the courage to go down into ourselves and 

take responsibility for what’s there: all of it. – Richard Rohr 

By learning you will teach; by teaching you will understand. – Latin Proverb

Age considers; youth ventures. – Rabindranath Tagore

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster.  One moment of impatience may 

ruin a whole life. – Chinese Proverb 

Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. 

It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. – Author unknown  

History is a gallery of pictures in which there are few originals and many copies. – Alexis de Tocqueville

It is one of life’s laws that as soon as one door closes another opens. But the tragedy is we look 

at the closed door and disregard the open one. – Andre Gide 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Marlon asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy day. After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, Tessa finally got them on. ‘They’re on the wrong way round, Miss,’ mumbled Marlon.  She realizes that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she and swaps them over for him.  ‘They’re not my shoes, Miss,’ Marlon murmurs again.  Tessa fights hard to keep her cool and asks Marlon why he hadn’t told her before. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off.  ‘These aren’t my shoes, they’re my brother’s and Mum told me not to tell anyone.’  At this point Tessa can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes. She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck. ‘Where are your gloves, Marlon?’ asks Tessa quietly.  ‘Oh, Miss, I always put them in my shoes!’

 

Friday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘Have you paid your dues Jack?…Yes sir the check is in the mail.’

 

Answer: Big Trouble In Little China! Kurt Russell squawking into his CB on a dark and stormy night 

while eating a sandwich. 

 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 

quote from??? ‘Why don’t you put her in charge?’

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

When you behead a word, you remove the first letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.

Example: Begin -> Sour, acidic

Answer: The words are Start and Tart.

1. Adoration -> Elevate

2. Indulge in -> Permit

3. Den -> Atmosphere

4. Precipitation -> Current time

5. Morally pure -> Swift action

6. Prize -> Person under protection

7. Head covering -> City related

8. Most plump -> Provide evidence for 

 

Answer:  1. Praise -> Raise  2. Wallow -> Allow  3. Lair -> Air  4. Snow -> Now  5. Chaste -> Haste

6. Award -> Ward  7. Turban -> Urban  8. Fattest -> Attest 

 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

I can be repeated,

But often not in the same way.

I can’t be changed,

But can be rewritten.

I can be forgotten,

And can also be lost with death.

My first is in horses,

But not in ponies.

My last is in pretty,

But not in beautiful.

What am I?

 
 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!  SUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS! Emoji EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji