WELCOME to Tuesday, September 30, 2014.
By Bob Wallace
Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth ‘Grammy’ Gordon, an 83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged with assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because of an altercation she had last week with six airport security guards, that left all six hospitalized. ‘Justice has been served’, said the 95-pound mother of three and grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. ‘Now I’m going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I’m an American, and I won’t be treated like this.’
The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an airplane. ‘These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals’, she said, ‘but they’re dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then they pull me aside and tell me they’re going to search me? I don’t think so.’
According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard, ‘who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt out, told this woman she couldn’t board the plane unless they searched her. He was really rude. That’s when the trouble started.’
Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair in circles. ‘Doofus was so fat he couldn’t get up’, said Gordon with a giggle.
One guard who attempted to pull Gordon’s wheelchair off of the screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was also left dazed on the floor. Witnesses said she was cackling, ‘Put your hands on an old lady, will you?’ as she bashed both guards. The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon’s wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock.’ What a wimp, ‘she told reporters.’ He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked.’
‘It was amazing’, said another witness, a Scott Ryan. ‘The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt.’
A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter than had escaped detection.’ He just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear, ‘said Ryan.
A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. ‘I think that was the wrong thing to do, ‘said another witness, who declined to be identified.’ She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out he went.’
After all this, Gordon’s chair was still sitting on top of the first guard.
The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, ‘Apologize to me, you fat sumbitech, or when I’m done with you you’ll just be a greasy spot on the floor!’
As the crowd roared, the guard cried, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Uncle! I won’t do it again!’
Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance.’ We didn’t have any choice, ‘said an unidentified officer of the court.’ Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot.’
Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. ‘I doubt there’s a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of anything, ‘said one of the lawyers.
‘I’m flying again tomorrow’, Gordon told reporters. ‘And I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong.’
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather – because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?” -Jimmy Fallon
“Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget – $74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly, $26 million less than it cost to make the movie ‘Gravity.'” -Jimmy Kimmel
“According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they’ll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother’s maiden name.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A man was showing his friend a new set of matching golf clubs he had just bought.
“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”
“What did you buy your wife?” the friend asked.
The man said, “A new matching bicycle and lawn mower.”
Monday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? ‘Jump back.’
Answer: Footloose! When the ‘stunning new gentleman’ finds out dancing has been outlawed.
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this
quote from??? ‘Do you want to come over for a mineral water or something?’
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
A two hundred dollar purchase
With a twenty-five dollar rent,
Until you have all four of us,
Then an even return you’ll get.
One is next to Illinois,
And one borders Virginia.
One has no state name next to it,
The fourth’s near Pennsylvania
What are we?
Answer: The railroads in the U.S. version of the game of Monopoly!
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
What is the smallest whole number that, when written out, uses all the vowels, A, E, I, O, U and even Y one and one time only each in its spelling?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER DIVA OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! SUPER SOLVING JOB BANKS!
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org.