Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, August 28, 2014.   

 

One-liners………..Clean One-liner jokes

  • I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
  • I went in to a pet shop.  I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
  • I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I take out The Elephant Man?’ He said, ‘He’s not your type.’ I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.’
  • I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, ‘Analogue.’ I said, ‘No, just a watch.’
  • I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
  • I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  ‘Best Before End’
  • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
  • I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Elvis Presley.’
  • I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
  • I went to the doctor and I said to him, ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
  • I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.Monkey with banana and tin opener
  • I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue.’ I couldn’t put it down.
  • I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
  • I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.  She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
  • I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Year, (noun) A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.” –Ambrose Bierce’s DEVIL’S DICTIONARY
“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” –Mark Twain
“A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.” –Barnett Cocks 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler, but not being sure of the hotel rules I stopped at the door and asked the maid, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”

“Sure,” the maid replied, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”

 

Wednesday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘Don’t you know a kid always wins against two idiots?’
 
Answer: ‘Home Alone 2’  This one should have been fairly easy. Kevin said this to the two bumbling burglars. 
 
Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Chief I can’t tell if he’s really smart or really dumb.’
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
 What saying is seen here?
 
Mary
Sue
Jane
 
LAW
 
Bob
Fred
Jim
  
Answer: No man is above the law.
 
Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….
I with borrowed silver shine,
What you see is none of mine.
First I show you but a quarter,
like the bow that guards the Tartar;
Then the half, and then the whole,
ever dancing around the pole;
And true it is, I chiefly owe
my beauty to the shades below. 
 
Who am I?
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

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