Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, August 29, 2014.    

Ten Funny Things About Marriage…………….

The woman always makes the rules

These rules are subject to change without notice

No man can possibly know all the rules

The woman is never wrong

If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said

The man must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding…

The woman can change her mind at any time

The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman

The man must read the mind of the woman at all times

At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Labor Day weekend people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd.
Miguel de Cervantes
 
Knowledge is love and light and vision.
Helen Keller
 
Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better.
Andre Gide
 
The poetry of the earth is never dead.
John Keats
 
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
Charles Kettering
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Moira, sporting two bright red ears went to her doctor. Doctor James inquired gently, ‘And what on earth happened to you?’

‘Well,’ Moira answered, ‘It was like this; I was ironing a shirt and the telephone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.’  ‘My word, oh dear, calamitous,’ Doctor James exclaimed in disbelief. ‘But what happened to your other ear?’  ‘Ten minutes later the same idiot called me back again.’ Emoji

 

Thursday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘Chief I can’t tell if he’s really smart or really dumb.’
 
Answer:  ‘Jaws’  Quint said this to Chief Brody once he has the shark on the line.
 
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘This town need an enema!’
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
 I with borrowed silver shine,
What you see is none of mine.
First I show you but a quarter,
like the bow that guards the Tartar;
Then the half, and then the whole,
ever dancing around the pole;
And true it is, I chiefly owe
my beauty to the shades below. 
 
Who am I? 
  
Answer:  The Moon………
 
Friday’s  Quizzler is……….
Can you decipher this phrase?
 
R.P.I.
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO THIS WEEKS RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

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Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, August 28, 2014.   

 

One-liners………..Clean One-liner jokes

  • I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
  • I went in to a pet shop.  I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
  • I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I take out The Elephant Man?’ He said, ‘He’s not your type.’ I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.’
  • I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, ‘Analogue.’ I said, ‘No, just a watch.’
  • I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
  • I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  ‘Best Before End’
  • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
  • I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Elvis Presley.’
  • I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
  • I went to the doctor and I said to him, ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
  • I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.Monkey with banana and tin opener
  • I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue.’ I couldn’t put it down.
  • I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
  • I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.  She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
  • I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Year, (noun) A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.” –Ambrose Bierce’s DEVIL’S DICTIONARY
“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” –Mark Twain
“A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.” –Barnett Cocks 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler, but not being sure of the hotel rules I stopped at the door and asked the maid, “Can we drink beer on the beach?”

“Sure,” the maid replied, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first.”

 

Wednesday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘Don’t you know a kid always wins against two idiots?’
 
Answer: ‘Home Alone 2’  This one should have been fairly easy. Kevin said this to the two bumbling burglars. 
 
Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Chief I can’t tell if he’s really smart or really dumb.’
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
 What saying is seen here?
 
Mary
Sue
Jane
 
LAW
 
Bob
Fred
Jim
  
Answer: No man is above the law.
 
Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….
I with borrowed silver shine,
What you see is none of mine.
First I show you but a quarter,
like the bow that guards the Tartar;
Then the half, and then the whole,
ever dancing around the pole;
And true it is, I chiefly owe
my beauty to the shades below. 
 
Who am I?
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 27, 2014.   

Unusual and Strange Phobias…..

  • Pteronophobia – Panic when tickled by feathers.
  • Pediophobia – Fear of dolls.
  • Russophobia – Dread of Russians.
  • Zemmiphobia – Fear of the great mole rat.
  • Consecotaleophobia – Fear of chopsticks.
  • Dendrophobia – Trepidation when amongst trees.
  • Dextrophobia – Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
  • Eleutherophobia – Strange phobia of freedom.
  • Epistemophobia – Fear of knowledge.
  • Ereuthrophobia – Dread of blushing.
  • Euphobia – Fear of hearing good news.
  • Genuphobia – Funny phobia of knees.
  • Graphophobia – Fear of writing or handwriting.
  • Geumaphobia or Geumophobia – Fear of taste.
  • Helminthophobia – Phobia of being infested with worms.
  • Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – Fear of long words.
  • Hobophobia – Alarm of being next to vagrants or beggars.
  • Koinoniphobia – Funny fear of rooms.
  • Leprophobia or Lepraphobia – Panic of catching leprosy.
  • Levophobia – Fear of things to the left side of the body.Strange Phobias
  • Linonophobia – Strange phobia of string.
  • Logophobia – Fear of words.
  • Lutraphobia – Phobia of otters.
  • Melophobia – Fear of music
  • Nosocomephobia – Dread of hospitals.
  • Panophobia or Pantophobia – Fear of everything.

Extra one for luck: Phobophobia – The fear of developing a phobia, which, we suppose, sums it all up. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Wednesday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“I didn’t really say everything I said.” 
–Yogi Berra 
 
“The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth.” 
–Edith Sitwell 
 
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” 
–Phyllis Diller  
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

‘Doctor O’Hara,’ Ranjit pleaded, ‘I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for two years,’ said Dr O’Hara, the psychiatrist, ‘Come and see me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.’  ‘How much do you charge?’ ‘A hundred dollars per visit.’  ‘In that case, I’ll sleep on it,’ answered Ranjit.  Six months later the doctor met Ranjit in the street.  ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?’ asked the psychiatrist.

‘For a hundred buck’s a visit?  A bartender cured me for ten dollars,’ smiled Ranjit  ‘Is that so! How?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed.’

 

Tuesday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘Is there a history of insanity in your family?’
 
Answer: ‘Fierce Creatures’  John Cleese (while walking various zoo animals) said this to Kevin Kline. 
 
Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Don’t you know a kid always wins against two idiots?’
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Each group of definitions describes three words that are spelled the same, except for one letter (each group describes a different set of words). Example: king, ring, wing. The length of the words in each group is provided.
 
1) a small bundle & a pointed stake for a fence & a small isolated area or group (6 letters)
2) to express in words & not freshly made & to look fixedly at something (5 letters)
3) a dance that conveys a story & a makeshift bed & a hammer-like implement (6 letters)
4) a local branch of a society & a mercantile lease of a ship & to talk incessantly (7 letters)
  
Answer: 1) packet, picket, pocket  2) state, stale, stare  3) ballet, pallet, mallet  4) chapter, charter, chatter 
 
Wednesday’s  Quizzler is……….
What saying is seen here?
 
Mary
Sue
Jane
 
LAW
 
Bob
Fred
Jim
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, August 26, 2014.      

Funny Wisdom…….

  1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  3. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  4. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
  5. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  6. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  7. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
  8. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  9. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  10. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
  11. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
  12. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  13. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.
  14. If you dig a hole for someone else, you’ll fall into it. – Hungarian proverb
  15. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
  16. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Funny Wisdom
  17. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
  18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
  19. You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
  20. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, Sea World said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, a killer whale said, ‘Hey, you know what’s a larger habitat? The ocean!'” -Conan O’Brien
“Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Summer is nearly over and it’s back-to-school time. If you can, send your kids to college so they get a degree and at least then they will know what kind of work they’re out of.” -Dave Letterman
Patience is the companion of wisdom – Saint Augustine
Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow – Aristotle
To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it – Confucius
He that cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot.  He that dare not is a slave – Andrew Carnegie
An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind – Shakyamuni Buddha
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.  He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: “Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”  

 

Tuesday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘I’ve got a hot date.’
‘Really? Who is she and what did you arrest her for?’ 
 
Answer: ‘LA Confidential’  Russell Crowe’s witty comeback to his partner’s excuse for not going out for a drink.
 
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Is there a history of insanity in your family?’
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
How can you make the following equation correct without changing it at all?
 
8 + 8 = 91 
  
Answer: Look at it upside down.  16 = 8 + 8. 
 
Tuesday’s  Quizzler is……….
Each group of definitions describes three words that are spelled the same, except for one letter (each group describes a different set of words). Example: king, ring, wing. The length of the words in each group is provided.
 
1) a small bundle & a pointed stake for a fence & a small isolated area or group (6 letters)
2) to express in words & not freshly made & to look fixedly at something (5 letters)
3) a dance that conveys a story & a makeshift bed & a hammer-like implement (6 letters)
4) a local branch of a society & a mercantile lease of a ship & to talk incessantly (7 letters)
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, August 25, 2014.     

Condensed Versions of Movies………….

Jaws Directed by Steven Spielberg 1975Jaws - joke condensed version

Roy Scheider There’s a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.

Murray Hamilton No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists. (Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.) Robert Shaw I’m tough and grim. (shark eats him) Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss Take that. (shark dies) 

THE END

Erin Brockovich Directed by Steven Soderbergh 2000

Julia Roberts I’m a jerk, but I’m brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.

Albert Finney Ok. Julia Roberts This company is poisoning water. Let’s fry their ugly hides in extract of hell. (They DO, and it is HEART WARMING.)
THE ENDClose encounters short version

Close Encounters of the Third Kind Directed by Steven Spielberg 1977

(Airplanes are found in the desert.) Researchers Wow! (UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss’ house.) Richard Dreyfuss Wow! (UFOs appear over Devil’s Tower.) All Wow!
THE END

Notting Hill Directed by Roger Michell 1999

Hugh Grant I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I’m in love with you.

Julia Roberts I’ll date you, no I won’t , yes I will, no I won’t . I’m sorry, I have too many rich-and-glamorous issues. Now I’ve gotten over them.
THE END

Reservoir Dogs Film Directed by Quentin Tarantino 1992

Michael Madsen Who’s the rat? (shoots a cop) Harvey Keitel I didn’t do it. (shoots Lawrence Tierney) Tim Roth Don’t look at me. (shoots Michael Madsen) (Everybody else shoots each other.)
THE END

Titanic film condensed version

Titanic Film Directed by James Cameron 1997

Leonardo DiCaprio Your social class is stuffy. Let’s dance with the ship’s rats and have fun. Kate Winslet You have captured my heart. Let’s run around the ship and giggle. (The ship SINKS.) Leonardo DiCaprio Never let go. Kate Winslet I promise. (lets go)
THE END

Jane Eyre By Charlotte Bronte

Edward Rochester I have a dark secret. Will you stay with me no matter what?
Jane Eyre Yes.
Edward Rochester My secret is that I have a lunatic wife.
Jane Eyre Bye.
(Jane Eyre leaves. Somebody dies. Jane Eyre returns.)
THE END

Don Quixote By Cervantes

Don Quixote Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing.
Sancho Panza No, master. It is something ordinary and harmless.
Don Quixote (falls down)
THE END

A Christmas Carol By Charles Dickens

Ebenezer Scrooge Bah, humbug. you’ll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it. Ghost of Jacob Marley Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you’re mean. 3 Ghosts of Christmas you’re mean.
Ebenezer Scrooge At last, I have seen the light. Let’s dance in the streets. Have some money.
THE END

Lord of the Flies By William Golding ♪

(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)
Ralph We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph We need a fire.
Jack Forget the fire. Let’s kill each other.
Other Boys Yeah!
(They do.)
THE END

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest By Ken Kesey

Nurse Ratched I destroy my patients psychologically so I can have power and control.
Randall P. McMurphy But freedom and happiness are good things.
Nurse Ratched Lobotomy time for you, buster.
(McMurphy DIES but inspires HOPE so OTHERS may LIVE.)
THE END

The Catcher In the Rye By J. D. Salinger 

Holden Caulfield Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I’m a stupid jerk.
THE END

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do,

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
The season of failure is the best time for sowing the seeds of success.
Paramahansa Yogananda
 
I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.
Jonathan Swift
The artist who aims at perfection in everything achieves it in nothing.
Eugene Delacroix
 
Everything in Nature contains all the powers of Nature. Everything is made of one hidden stuff.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
 
I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
Jack Benny
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech.  He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbor on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, ‘How would you have delivered that speech?’ Under an assumed name’ , came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

 

Friday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘All right, this chick is toast!’
 
Answer: ‘Ghostbusters’  Said by Bill Murray after Gozer started playing rough. 
 
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘I’ve got a hot date.’
‘Really? Who is she and what did you arrest her for?’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
1: flawed
2: not flawed
1: flawed
3: not flawed
1: flawed
4: not flawed
1: flawed
5: not flawed 
  
Answer: No one is perfect.
 
Monday’s  Quizzler is……….
How can you make the following equation correct without changing it at all?
 
8 + 8 = 91
 
 
 
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, August 22, 2014.     

Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies…………….

Movie Jokes

Next time you go to the movies on a Friday night, keep your eye out for extra information that you can pick up about every day events.  These jokes have a strange but true ring to them.

1) Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies

  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.Will and Guy's jokes Eiffel tower
  • When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • Large, loft-style apartments in New York City (or Paris) are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  • You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
  • If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
  • When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
 
Search others for their virtue, and yourself for your vices.
R. Buckminster Fuller
 
Marriage may be the closest thing to Heaven or Hell any of us will know on this earth.
Edwin Louis Cole
 
Art is Art. Everything else is everything else.
Ad Reinhardt
 
What’s a butterfly garden without butterflies?
Roy Rogers
 
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
Joan Rivers
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 A woman driver ended up parking her car in the roof of this Italian house after she forgot to put on the handbrake.  Maria Rizzo, 34, stopped to admire the spectacular view from the street above the house in Alassio, on the Gulf of Genoa in northern Italy.

Funny Car Picture

Will and Guy heard that she was so intent on taking a photograph that she forgot to put on the handbrake, and her car rolled away, smashing through a barrier and plunging down the hill onto the house below.

The Fiat Panda broke through the roof and landed in the bathroom, with the front end wedged in an iron bath which broke the fall and stopped the red car plunging further into the house. A police spokesman remarked to us, ‘Luckily no one was home at the time, so nobody was hurt, but the owner of the property did have a surprise when they arrived home.’

 

Thursday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘Faster, must go faster!’
 
Answer:  Independence Day! Jeff Goldblum running from aliens (‘Independence Day’). Goldblum says the same line when running from a very angry T-Rex in ‘Jurassic Park’.
 
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from??? ‘All right, this chick is toast!’
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
What is the next number?
 
3, 76, 49, 24, 59 
  
Answer: 36 
 
Friday’s  Quizzler is……….
1: flawed
2: not flawed
1: flawed
3: not flawed
1: flawed
4: not flawed
1: flawed
5: not flawed
 
 
 
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 
 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, August 21, 2014.    

Twenty Fabulously Funny Examples of Murphy’s Law…..

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and 

you’ll have to go to the rest room.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.  Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you 

will have a flat tire.

6. Guy’s Variation Rider – If you change queues or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This also works in supermarkets and shops.

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Decree of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. This is also the case if you are female and you have gone out with no makeup and wearing your worst clothes and with greasy hair.

9. Murphy’s Office Law – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Will also finds this when he shows someone that something on the computer is easy and it doesn’t work.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. The Starbucks Edict – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced marmalade sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.

15. The Conundrum of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

17. Oliver’s Rule of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet. Will’s favorite!

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

20. Will and Guy’s Law – If you don’t save things on your computer you will, sooner rather than later, delete them.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
My confidence comes from the daily grind – training my butt off day in and day out.
Hope Solo
 
In the Lord’s Prayer, the first petition is for daily bread. No one can worship God or love his neighbor on an empty stomach.
Woodrow Wilson
 
One of the most obvious ways dogs can improve our physical and mental health is via daily walks.
Andrew Weil
 
These days young kids don’t have any place to form an epic adventure. It’s more often in front of the TV screen or a laptop. That’s very hard on them. They’re being taught daily unsocial skills. Facebook is an unsocial skill. It’s so sad. John Lydon
 
You should examine yourself daily. If you find faults, you should correct them. When you find none, you should try even harder.
Unknown
 
It’s a rare moment when we take a break from the tribulations of the daily rat race to reflect on assumptions and values that we casually accept as gospel. Graydon Carter
 
Monotony collapses time; novelty unfolds it. You can exercise daily and eat healthily and live a long life, while experiencing a short one. If you spend your life sitting in a cubicle and passing papers, one day is bound to blend unmemorably into the next – and disappear.
Joshua Foer
 
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 Clara works in the customer service call centre of a national pager company. There, she deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional loony caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

A good call came from Arthur, who repeatedly complains that he keeps being paged by ‘Lucille.’  Arthur was told that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.  ‘She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,’ Arthur grizzled, unhappily.  After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number.  ‘She leaves her name,’ was Arthur’s triumphant reply.  After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.  ‘How does she spell her name? Clara politely enquired.  ‘L-O-W C-E-L-L,’ dictated Arthur clearly.  Yet another technical problem solved! 

 

Thursday Movie  Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘There’s a click before the strike. Listen to the clock.’
 
Answer: The Quick and the Dead! A love scene between Ellen (Sharon Stone) and Cort (Russell Crowe) was actually shot, but the American version of the film does not include it. 
 
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Faster, must go faster!’
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
The following is an advertisement for a common item. The ad agency, however, is trying to entice buyers by making the item sound more impressive than it really is. Can you tell what is being sold here?
 
DEFY GRAVITY!
As you command water – or any liquid – to flow upwards! Could you be tampering with the secrets of the Earth? Your friends will be amazed! Just $1.99.  
  
Answer: The item being advertised is a straw. 
 
Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….
What is the next number?
 
3, 76, 49, 24, 59
 
 
 
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji