Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

pep_pills

WELCOME to Thursday, July 31, 2014.   

Rules Issued to Female Teachers by the Los Angeles District in 1915….
You will not marry during the term of your contract.
You are not to keep company with men.
You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
You may not smoke cigarettes.
You may not dress in bright colors.
You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
You must wear at least two petticoats.
Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
In democracy it’s your vote that counts;
In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Mogens Jallberg
The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.
Larry Hardiman
‘In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.’
Thomas Pickering
‘Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.’
Ronald Reagan
Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political news. ‘The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it’.
Ronald Reagan
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers; here you can see a photo taken while they are enjoying some night fishing while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year.

Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, ‘I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me in eighteen months.’  Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, ‘Think it over a bit more, Nigel; women like that are hard to find.’

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  Person 1: “Do you have a Band-Aid and antibiotic cream?” Person 2: “No, no, and sadly, I think I’ve lent out my iron lung.”
 
Answer: Music and Lyrics! This 2007 film stars Hugh Grant as Alex Fletcher, a washed-up pop star who is reduced to performing at class reunions and theme parks until today’s biggest pop star, Cora Corman (Haley Bennett), asks him to write a song for her. Drew Barrymore stars as Sophie Fisher, who works with Alex as his lyricist and eventually falls in love with him. This quote is said between Sophie (Person 1) and Alex (Person 2) when Sophie overreacts to pricking her finger on a cactus spine while watering Alex’s plants.  
 
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from??? Person 1: “Hold on, how do I cross the border? I never took survival training.” Person 2: “Consider this your course.” Person 3: “Kinda pass/fail, which I always thought was easier.”
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
 George is dead. He was found face down in the street, squashed nearly flat. He must have been there some time as he was cool to the touch. In addition, when he was found, there was a bird perched on the back of his head.
 
Who is George?
  
Answer: The George in question is George Washington, specifically the picture of Washington on the quarter. He was, in fact, dead when he was found. As he is on a coin, he would be nearly flat, and cool to the touch. Finally, when you turn the quarter over, on the “back of the head” you will find a perching eagle.
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
You see me often ladies,
For I am a part of your life.
I sometimes bother babies
But prefer to cause adults strife.
My looks are a sign of your personality.
My strength cannot measure up to yours.
With most people I am there for eternity.
Onto me, water often pours.
Many look to me with pride,
While others wish to change me.
Drifting slowly, my time I bide
Waiting for you to see
That I am just a thing you’re given,
Not something very important.
For I have always been and will forever be dead.
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS FOR SOLVING TUESDAY’S QUIZZLER OF THE DAY! GREAT JOB BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji


‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Advertisements

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

14

WELCOME to Wednesday, July 30, 2014.   

Obituary – Common Sense…………..
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain
Why the early bird gets the worm
Life isn’t always fair
and maybe it was my fault
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
Samuel Butler
Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
Mark Twain
Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Ambrose Bierce
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
W.C. Fields
The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.
James Baldwin
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.Jungle talk - Funny story

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength … None in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all … hawk, lion and stinker. 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  Person 1: “We have come to the most critical area of masculine behavior…dancing.” [Person 2 starts dancing] Person 1: “Truly manly men do not dance.” Person 2: “Oh, come on!”
Answer:  In and Out! This 1997 movie stars Kevin Kline (for the third time in a row) as Howard Brackett, an English teacher from the quiet little town of Greenleaf, Indiana who discovers he is gay (after much denial) after a former student of his (now a world-famous actor) outs him during an Oscar acceptance speech.  This exchange is between Howard (Person 2) and a self-help cassette tape (Person 1) (titled “Be a Man: Exploring Your Masculinity”), when Howard is trying to become more masculine in order to prove to the people in the town that he is not gay. 
 
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  Person 1: “Do you have a Band-Aid and antibiotic cream?” Person 2: “No, no, and sadly, I think I’ve lent out my iron lung.”
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
When you curtail a word, you remove the last letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.  Example: Begin -> Heavenly body  Answer: The words are Start and Star.
 
1. Fragmented; torn -> Lacking funds
2. Place of shelter; a refuge -> Possess; own
3. Community; village -> Pull behind
4. Paradise -> Throw with effort
5. Grass -> Set of rules imposed by an authority
6. Chess piece -> Clawed animal foot
7. Bedding, tablecloth -> A mark longer than it is wide
8. Baker’s number -> Sleep lightly 
  
Answer: 1. Broken -> Broke  2. Haven -> Have  3. Town -> Tow  4. Heaven -> Heave  5. Lawn -> Law
6. Pawn -> Paw  7. Linen -> Line  8. Dozen -> Doze 
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
George is dead. He was found face down in the street, squashed nearly flat. He must have been there some time as he was cool to the touch. In addition, when he was found, there was a bird perched on the back of his head.
 
Who is George?
 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

giphy (3)

WELCOME to Tuesday, July 29, 2014.     

‘Thoughts for Today’ as We Grow Older………………………..
Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The easiest way to find something that’s lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you?
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL’.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt..
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.  Leo Buscaglia
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.
Dr. Seuss
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.
Mother Teresa
Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts.
Paramahansa Yogananda
A smile is the light in your window that tells others that there is a caring, sharing person inside.
Denis Waitley
The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.
Thomas Paine
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Graham rings the local newspaper and asks to speak to the person in charge of the obituary column.  He is passed to the advertiser and he asks, ‘How much does it cost to place an obituary in the paper?’

‘$1.20 per word, sir, ‘replies the newspaperman respectfully.’

‘Ok’, says Graham, ‘are you ready?’Old man joke

‘Yes’, came the answer.

‘The obit. reads – ‘ Jones dead’.’

‘No more?’ asks the newsman in a very surprised voice.

‘No, that’s it, ‘came the reply.

‘I have to tell you, ‘announced the advertiser, ‘but there is a 5 word minimum.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’ complained Graham, ‘in that case it will read:

‘Jones dead.  Volkswagen for sale’

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? Person 1: “Did you ever imagine it would end like this?” Person 2: “The horse was a surprise.”
 
Answer: The Road to El Dorado! This forgotten 2000 DreamWorks film stars Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh as Tulio and Miguel, respectively, two Spaniards who stow away on one of Hernan Cortes’ ships bound for the New World. When they arrive, they find El Dorado, where they are mistaken as gods. In this quote, Miguel (Person 1) and Tulio (Person 2) are floating in a lifeboat, having been lost at sea for days after jumping off Cortes’ ship. Altivo, Cortes’ horse, is with them, eliciting Tulio’s response to Miguel’s question of their impending death. 
 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from??? Person 1: “We have come to the most critical area of masculine behavior…dancing.” [Person 2 starts dancing] Person 1: “Truly manly men do not dance.” Person 2: “Oh, come on!”
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What common household item wouldn’t have became popular if it wasn’t for another invention in 1928 (it didn’t take off until 1930)? 
  
Answer: The toaster.  The first electric toaster was invented in 1893 in Great Britain by Crompton and Co (UK) and re-invented in 1909 in the United States. It only toasted one side of the bread at a time and it required a person to stand by and turn it off manually when the toast looked done. Charles Strite invented the modern timer, pop-up toaster in 1919. Otto Frederick Rohwedder invented the bread slicer, which he started working on in 1912. At first, Rohwedder came up with the idea of a device that held the slices together with hat pins (not a success). In 1928, he designed a machine that sliced and wrapped the bread to prevent the sliced bread from going stale. Pre-sliced bread was popularized by Wonder Bread in 1930, helping to spread the toaster’s popularity further.  The hint refers to the common phrase “The best thing since sliced bread”.  The title is a subtle hint to “Wonder Bread”.  
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
When you curtail a word, you remove the last letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.  Example: Begin -> Heavenly body  Answer: The words are Start and Star.
 
1. Fragmented; torn -> Lacking funds
2. Place of shelter; a refuge -> Possess; own
3. Community; village -> Pull behind
4. Paradise -> Throw with effort
5. Grass -> Set of rules imposed by an authority
6. Chess piece -> Clawed animal foot
7. Bedding, tablecloth -> A mark longer than it is wide
8. Baker’s number -> Sleep lightly
 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

      

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

mond

WELCOME to Monday, July 28, 2014.    

1) Words: Short, But So Succinct Word Jokes:  
 
Pythagoras: 24 words
 
The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words
 
Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words
 
The Ten Commandments: 179 words
 
Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address: 286 words
 
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
 
The U.S. government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
 
2) Shop Signs – Play on Words
 
Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
 
Tailor shop, Rhodes: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
 
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
 
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
 
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
 
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. 
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
Coffee isn’t my cup of tea. – Samuel Goldwyn
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and
if I’m not there I carry on as usual. – Patrick Moore
Operator! Give me the number for 911. – Homer Simpson
I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning? – George W Bush
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’
I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.’ – Les Dawson
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. – Paul Getty
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Clara works in the customer service call centre of a national pager company. There, she deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional loony caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.  

A good call came from Arthur, who repeatedly complains that he keeps being paged by ‘Lucille.’  Arthur was told that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.  ‘She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,’ Arthur grizzled, unhappily.  After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number.  ‘She leaves her name,’ was Arthur’s triumphant reply.  After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.  ‘How does she spell her name? Clara politely enquired.  ‘L-O-W C-E-L-L,’ dictated Arthur clearly.  Yet another technical problem solved!  

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  “This is the kind of conversation two people have when one of them is female.”
 
Answer: Fierce Creatures!  This 1997 movie stars John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Kevin Kline. John Cleese is Rollo Lee, the new manager of England’s Marwood Zoo who tries to introduce a “fierce creatures only” policy in order to attract customers. Jamie Lee Curtis is Willa Weston, who takes over later as manager, and Kevin Kline plays Rod McCain, who Willa works for, and Vince McCain, his idiot son. Hilarity ensues.  This quote is said by Vince when Willa is trying to talk to him about his general dislike of animals, which he shows by mocking a gorilla’s lack of activity while he and Willa are standing in front of the gorilla exhibit.  
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from??? Person 1: “Did you ever imagine it would end like this?” Person 2: “The horse was a surprise.”
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
For each of the following four words, come up with another English word that uses all THE SAME letters but in a different order. The four words you come up with will rhyme with one another. 
 
ONSET 
NEWS 
WRONG 
HORNET  
 
Answer:  STONE   SEWN   GROWN   THRONE
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What common household item wouldn’t have became popular if it wasn’t for another invention in 1928 (it didn’t take off until 1930)?
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS FOR SOLVING FRIDAY’S QUIZZLER OF THE DAY! GREAT JOB BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

      

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

giphy (1)

WELCOME to Friday, July 25, 2014.   

The Top 35 Oxymorons………
Government Worker
Legally drunk
Exact estimate
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Military Intelligence
Sweet sorrow
Rural Metro (ambulance service)
“Now, then …”
Passive aggression
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Working vacation
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.
O. Henry
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 Walking through San Francisco’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Moishe Plotnik’s Chinese Bar & Grill.” “Moishe Plotnik?” he muses. “How the heck does that fit in here?”  So he walks into the establishment and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the bar. The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like “Moishe Plotnik’s Bar & Grill?” The old man answers, “Is name of owner.”  The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?”  “Me, is right here,” replies the old man.  “You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?”  

“Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.  Lady look at him and go, ‘What your name?’ He say, ‘Moishe Plotnik.’ Then she look at me and go, ‘What your name?’ I say, “Sem Ting.”

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? “You went in there to get a date and came out with a dog? Oh, that’s bad even for you.”  
 
Answer:  Garfield: The Movie! Based on the popular comic strip of the same name, this 2004 film received mostly bad reviews, even from fans of the strip. Despite this, a sequel was released in 2006 anyway. The movie stars Bill Murray as Garfield, Breckin Meyer as his owner, Jon, and Jennifer Love Hewitt as Garfield’s veterinarian and the object of Jon’s affection, Dr. Liz Wilson. This quote is said by Garfield in reference to Jon’s attempt to ask Liz out on a date, though he somehow managed to get saddled with a new pet dog, Odie, in the process because he was so smitten with Liz.
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from??? “This is the kind of conversation two people have when one of them is female.”
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
 In each group below, the three words end in the same three letters, so they look like they should rhyme, but they don’t. See if you can figure out the missing letters in each group.
Example: plo___, tho___, to___ would be plough, though, tough.
 
1. eng___, f___, mar___
2. c___, car___, s___
3. ag___, g___, h___
 
Answer: 1. engine, fine, marine
2. cafe, carafe, safe
3. agave, gave, have 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
For each of the following four words, come up with another English word that uses all THE SAME letters but in a different order. The four words you come up with will rhyme with one another. 
 
ONSET 
NEWS 
WRONG 
HORNET
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS FOR SOLVING THURSDAY’S QUIZZLER OF THE DAY! GREAT JOB BANKS!  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. Emoji

      

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

bonk

WELCOME to Thursday, July 24, 2014.   

 
LIFE EXPLAINED……… 
 
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.” So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“I just saw that minor league baseball players have filed a class-action lawsuit to demand better pay – as opposed to the OTHER way they could get better pay: being better at baseball.” -Jimmy Fallon
“The Orange County Fair in California has started selling bacon-wrapped churros, fried in bacon fat and filled with a half shot of Jack Daniels. I hear they are simply to die of.” -Seth Meyers
“A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region’s really angry about it – unless they’re downwind, then they’re totally cool.” -Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. 

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, “Daddy, where’s Mommy?”  

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  Person 1: “Prison.” Person 2: “Albuquerque. See, I can do it, too. Snorkel.”
 
Answer: National Treasure! This 2004 film is probably one of the more well-known movies in this quiz. It stars Nicolas Cage as Ben Gates, who is trying to find the greatest treasure known to man, along with the help of his assistant, Riley Poole (Justin Bartha). Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger), a National Archives archivist, joins in when Ian Howe (Sean Bean) attempts to steal the Declaration of Independence (of course, so does Ben).  This quote is said by Shaw (David Dayan Fisher) (Person 1), one of Ian’s henchmen, as a seemingly random possible answer to the riddle posed on a meerschaum pipe found on a ship in the Arctic during the hunt for the treasure. Riley (Person 2) joins in with his own disconnected series of words, just to prove that he “can do it, too.” 
 
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from??? “You went in there to get a date and came out with a dog? Oh, that’s bad even for you.”
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
I have no mind or a soul. 
I’ve been eternally attached since man’s dawn. 
My kind disappear on and off, 
to everyone I accompany them to their death, 
and buried with them, then I hide away when the casket shuts. 
 
Answer: A shadow 
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
In each group below, the three words end in the same three letters, so they look like they should rhyme, but they don’t. See if you can figure out the missing letters in each group.
Example: plo___, tho___, to___ would be plough, though, tough.
 
1. eng___, f___, mar___
2. c___, car___, s___
3. ag___, g___, h___
 
 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org., http://www.wcscatering.com. Emoji

      

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

aggr

WELCOME to Wednesday, July 23, 2014.   

 
Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Women Fall CatalogEmojiEmoji
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders and Flies Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door (Day & Night)
18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Air Conditioning and Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off! 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   Person 1: “There must be something that you’ve always wanted to do with your life.” Person 2: “Yes. I wanna see Brazil and Czechoslovakia and India–” Person 3: “Actually, there is no Czechoslovakia.” Person 2: “What?” Person 3: “It’s–it’s either the Czech Republic now or Slovakia.” Person 2: “Since when?” Person 3: “1992.” Person 2: “India’s still there, right?” Person 3: “Yes. Yes. Absolutely.”
 
Answer: Mad Money! This 2008 film stars Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, and Katie Holmes as three workers at the Kansas City Federal Reserve Bank who decide to smuggle money that is due to be destroyed out of the bank.  In this quote, Bridget (Keaton) (Person 1) asks Jackie (Holmes) (Person 2) about what she would use the money for. Don (Bridget’s husband, played by Ted Danson) (Person 3) interjects, correcting Jackie on her geography. 
 
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from??? Person 1: “Prison.” Person 2: “Albuquerque. See, I can do it, too. Snorkel.”
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
In this teaser you are to try and unscramble the set of letters in each set of brackets to complete these quotations. Good luck!
 
1. We may (FMFIAR) absolutely that (OHTNGIN) great in the (DWLOR) has been (DAECHCSOIMLP) without (NSPOAIS). 
 
2. (ELVI) as if you (ERWE) to die (WTMOROOR). (NLREA) as if you were to (LIEV) (ORERVEF). 
 
3. The way to get (DSETRAT) is to (UQTI) (GLATNIK) and (NBEIG) (ODGNI).
Answer: 1. We may (AFFIRM) absolutely that (NOTHING) great in the (WORLD) has been (ACCOMPLISHED) without (PASSION). 
 
Hegel.   2. (LIVE) as if you (WERE) to die (TOMORROW). (LEARN) as if you were to (LIVE) (FOREVER).  M.K. Gandhi
 
3. The way to get (STARTED) is to (QUIT) (TALKING) and (BEGIN) (DOING). Walt Disney 
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
I have no mind or a soul. 
I’ve been eternally attached since man’s dawn. 
My kind disappear on and off, 
to everyone I accompany them to their death, 
and buried with them, then I hide away when the casket shuts.
 
 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org., http://www.wcscatering.com. Emoji