Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, June 30, 2014.   

 
Warning – Women’s Body Parts Move

This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts.  This effect is especially noticeable in January. You may have read of the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true – it occurs to me practically every day.

Will and Guy's Humour - Warning for Women

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.  It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs.

 

The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.Will and Guy's Humour - Women's body parts move

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next.

I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.

Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

 

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap, unnoticed, something like maturity.

 

NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself.

 

Will and Guy's Humour - Warning for Women move your parts

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don’t you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face ‘ lifted’, look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs…and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and 
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“A new report shows that Brooklyn is now one of the country’s most popular baby names. Still the least popular baby name: ‘Staten Island.'” -Seth Meyers
“I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody.” -Dave Letterman
“Yesterday Starbucks introduced their new decaf soda called Fizzio. It’s an Italian word that means ‘tastes OK, costs too much.'” -Conan O’Brien
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.

 

One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped me short. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away?” 

 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? ‘Check ya later!’
  
Answer: Dazed and Confused! This quote was said by Slater in the car talking to the girls and then 
he gets made fun of for saying it. 
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘We regret to inform you that your sons are dead because they were stupid.’
 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Which phrase from group B belongs with the words in group A?
Group A
Lonely
Patent
Canines
Freighter
Artwork
Group B
Local Election
News Event
Tax Return
Brainy Teaser
Play Date
Answer:  “News Event”: it also contains number:
lONEly
paTENt
caNINEs
frEIGHTer
arTWOrk
newSEVENt
 
… not to mention laSIX in the title 😎
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
In this teaser you have been given two (2) clues in each line. Each answer to the clue comprises six (6) letters. Each 6-letter word differs by only one (1) letter, which I have given you. Your task is to discover the answers to the clues provided. The order of the letters do not change.
Example:
Remove _ _ _ I _ _ / _ _ _ U _ _ Justify
Answer:
E X C (I) S E / E X C (U) S E
1. Confuse R _ _ _ _ _ / C _ _ _ _ _ Bovines
2. Invent _ _ _ _ T _ / _ _ _ _ S _ Furrow
3. Endured _ A _ _ _ _ / _ I _ _ _ _ Tilted
4. Joking _ _ N _ _ _ / _ _ R _ _ _ Bargain
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
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Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, June 27, 2014.    

Iphone Short Jokes…..
 
Q: Why is the Apple still reporting record profits? 
A: Because iPhone users are just as oblivious to the looming recession as they are to the people around them! 
 
Q: What is written on Steve Jobs tombstone? 
A: iCame, iSaw, iConquered, iLeft, iCameBack, iThinkDifferent, iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, iPad, iCloud, iRIP 
 
Q: How can you tell which one of your friends has the new gold iPhone 5s? 
A: Don’t worry, they’ll let you know. 
 
Q: Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret? A: They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed! 
 
Q: How many Apple Iphone early adopters does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: 3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and moan about the lack of obscure features! 
 
Q: What do the latest Iphone applications do? 
A: Whiten teeth and perform lasik eye surgery! 
 
Q: According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphones overheating? 
A: Downloading images of Katy Perry! 
 
Q: What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? 
A: A Macintosh What do you get if you cross an iPhone and a fridge? Cool music. 
 
Q: Why is it so sad that Steve Jobs died? 
A: Everyone at Apple are crying their i’s out! 
 
Q: What happens if you download the Princess Diana screensaver application? 
A: Your iphone will keep crashing! 
 
Q: Why won’t blondes take their iPhones to the bathroom? 
A: Because they don’t want to give away their IP address! 
 
Q: Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 4 buyers? 
A: It doesn’t help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping a call! 
 
It was reported this week that Google would soon launch its own cellphone as a challenge to the iPhone. Also a challenge to the iPhone? Making phone calls. 
 
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die. 
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and 
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I’m not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.” -Seth Meyers
“Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control.” -Dave Letterman
“Domino’s has a new voice-activated iPhone app that will help customers order pizza. You just speak your order into the phone. Or as that’s called now, ‘ordering a pizza.'” -Jimmy Fallon
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.

 

“Corporal,” he said, “a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation.”

 

“You know, Lieutenant, funny thing,” the corporal replied. “In this work we never get any complaints.” 

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘Shall we say at the stroke of midnight, pun not intended.’
  
Answer: Cruel Intentions! Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon are married. They met in 1997 at Reese’s 21st birthday party. The quote is said by Sebastian to Blaine about setting up a meeting on his behalf with Greg McConnell.  
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Check ya later!’
 
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
In this teaser you have been given two (2) clues in each line. Each answer to the clue comprises six (6) letters. Each 6-letter word differs by only one (1) letter, which I have given you. Your task is to discover the answers to the clues provided. The order of the letters do not change.
 
Example:  Remove _ _ _ I _ _ / _ _ _ U _ _ Justify  Answer: E X C (I) S E / E X C (U) S E
 
1. Pliant _ _ _ _ _ E / _ _ _ _ _ Y Stash
 
2. Inundate _ _ _ _ G _ / _ _ _ _ X _ Elegant
 
3. Expenditure P _ _ _ _ _ / L _ _ _ _ _ Spread
 
4. Chevron _ _ _ _ P _ / _ _ _ _ K _ Hit
Answer:  1. Supple Supply  2. Deluge Deluxe  3. Payout Layout  4. Stripe Strike
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Which phrase from group B belongs with the words in group A?
Group A
Lonely
Patent
Canines
Freighter
Artwork
Group B
Local Election
News Event
Tax Return
Brainy Teaser
Play Date
 
 
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
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Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, June 26, 2014.    

Marriage Advice…
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
 
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburettor’. 
I said, ‘Where’s the car?’  She said, ‘In the lake.’ (Henny Youngman)
 
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
 
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. 
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
 
Irrelevant Facts………..
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
Sherlock Holmes never said ‘Elementary, my dear Watson’.
The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback to passing gas in such a confined space………………
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
 
The Two Ushers
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. 
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. ‘You’re not 
supposed to talk out loud in church.’  ‘Why? Who’s going to stop me?’ Joel asked. 
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, ‘See those two men standing by the door? 
They’re hushers.’
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and 
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
Depend upon yourself. Make your judgement trustworthy by trusting it. You can develop good judgement as you do the muscles of your body – by judicious, daily exercise. To be known as a man of sound judgement will be much in your favor.
Grantland Rice
What is the good of your stars and trees, your sunrise and the wind, if they do not enter into our daily lives?
E. M. Forster
The sky is the daily bread of the eyes.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Amidst the confusion of the times, the conflicts of conscience, and the turmoil of daily living,
an abiding faith becomes an anchor to our lives.
Thomas S. Monson
We are not what we seem. We are more than what we seem. The actor knows that. And because the actor knows that hidden inside himself there’s a wizard and a king, he also knows that when he’s playing himself in his daily life, he’s playing a part, he’s performing, just as he’s performing when he plays a part on stage.
Wallace Shawn
Memorial Day this year is especially important as we are reminded almost daily of the great sacrifices that the men and women of the Armed Services make to defend our way of life.
Robin Hayes
Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.
Annie Lennox
Our daily decisions and habits have a huge impact upon both our levels of happiness and success.
Shawn Achor
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

 

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, ‘Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?’

 

The third fellow says, ‘I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.’

 

The first two guys were amazed. ‘What happened then?’ they asked.

 

She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.’

 

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘What are you doing?’  ‘Losing.’ 
  
Answer:  A Knight’s Tale! The quote is said by Roland and Will. He is trying to prove his love to Jocelyn.
 
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Shall we say at the stroke of midnight, pun not intended.’
 
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Can you pick the god from the list provided that will complete this group?

Zeus, Hephaestus, Gaea, ?

Choose from: Dionysus, Athena, Hermes, Poseidon, Aphrodite 
 
Answer:  Poseidon finishes the group. These Greek gods were associated with the four elements 
(air, fire, earth and water, respectively).
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
 In this teaser you have been given two (2) clues in each line. Each answer to the clue comprises six (6) letters. Each 6-letter word differs by only one (1) letter, which I have given you. Your task is to discover the answers to the clues provided. The order of the letters do not change.
 
Example:
 
Remove _ _ _ I _ _ / _ _ _ U _ _ Justify
 
Answer:
 
E X C (I) S E / E X C (U) S E
 
1. Pliant _ _ _ _ _ E / _ _ _ _ _ Y Stash
 
2. Inundate _ _ _ _ G _ / _ _ _ _ X _ Elegant
 
3. Expenditure P _ _ _ _ _ / L _ _ _ _ _ Spread
 
4. Chevron _ _ _ _ P _ / _ _ _ _ K _ Hit
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
 
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org., http://www.wcscatering.com. Emoji
  

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, June 25, 2014.      

 
I Don’t Want To Be A Doctor For The Following Reasons………
If I were a pathologist I’d be in a dead end job.
If I were a biologist I’d be in jeans all the time.
Anesthesiology would put me to sleep.
Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
I can’t stand podiatry.
I can’t see myself as an ophthalmologist.
I’m too old to be a gerontologist.
I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
I’m told pediatrics is child’s play.
I haven’t got the heart to be a cardiologist.
And they’d see right through me if I went into radiology.
And I really couldn’t face it if I were a dermatologist.
I’m not cut out to be a surgeon.
If I weren’t such a baby, I’d become a gynecologist.
It’s been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
I’d rather be a plumber than a urologist.
If I were a proctologist I’d always be behind in my career.
I haven’t got the spine to be a chiropractor.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and 
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.  Henny Youngman
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.
Sir William Osler
I’ve wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I’m happy to state I finally won out over it.
Mary Chase
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.
Ronnie Shakes
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian.
He can’t ask his patients what is the matter-he’s got to just know.  Will Rogers
A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’
The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’.  Tommy Cooper
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.

 

He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.  Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

 

The consultant asks Arnold what he’s doing. Arnold smiles and answers, ‘Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?’

 

The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and enquires what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, ‘Oh, he’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb.’

 

The consultant looks up and notices that Mark’s face is turning red and blue.

 

The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, ‘If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.’

 

Arnold replies with a sigh, ‘What? And work in the dark.’ 

 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from??? ‘I don’t need therapy.’
  
Answer: Good Will Hunting! Excellent screenplay written by 2 college kids for an assignment. (Matt Damon and Ben Affleck) The quote is said by Will after being being ‘hypnotized’ by the one therapist. 
 
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘What are you doing?’  ‘Losing.’ 
 
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Below are 3 pairs of words. Find the words that fit in the middle of each pair of words to create two new words, one front-ended and one back-ended. 
 
Example: EVER – ______ – HORN
Answer: EVER – GREEN – HORN
 
1. STEP – __________ – PROOF
2. FIRE – __________ – BOAT
3. PICK – __________ – KNIFE  
 
Answer:  1. STEP – CHILD – PROOF
2. FIRE – HOUSE – BOAT
3. PICK – POCKET – KNIFE
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Can you pick the god from the list provided that will complete this group?

Zeus, Hephaestus, Gaea, ?

Choose from: Dionysus, Athena, Hermes, Poseidon, Aphrodite

 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT SOLVING JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org., http://www.wcscatering.com. Emoji
  

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday, June 24, 2014.     

 
Out of the Mouth of Babes…………..
Cream loses its magic
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.’ Why do you do that, Mummy?’ he asked
‘To make myself beautiful’, said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
‘What’s the matter?’ asked little Michael, ‘Giving up?’
Charity Begins at Church
After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: ‘When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.’
‘Well, thank you’, the preacher replied, ‘but why?’
‘Because my daddy says that you’re one of the poorest preachers We’ve ever had.’
The Chase
Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David Parsons had kissed her after lessons. ‘How did that happen?’ asked her mother.’ It wasn’t easy, ‘admitted the young lady, ‘but three girls helped me catch him.’
Repeat after Me
Mrs Johnson invited some people over for supper. At the table, she turned to their seven year old daughter Martha and said, ‘Would you like to say the blessing?’
‘I wouldn’t know what to say, ‘Martha replied.’ Just say what you hear Mummy say, ‘Mrs Johnson answered.
Martha bowed her head and said, ‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’
Fig Leaves
Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.  ‘Hey, Mum, look what I’ve found!’ Bobby called out.’ What have you got there, dear?’ his mother asked. Astonishment written all over his face, he answered: ‘I think it’s Adam’s suit!’
Road HogOut of Mouth of Babes
One day I was driving with my five year old daughter Alice and I honked my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, ‘I did that by accident’.
Alice replied, ‘I know that, Daddy’.
I replied, ‘How did you know?’
She said, ‘Because you didn’t say ‘IDIOT’ afterwards’
One Way to Explain the Word ‘Marriage’ to a Child
Claire was a typical three year old: pretty, friendly, cute, inquisitive, and bright as a sixpence. However, one day, Claire showed some difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage. Robert, her father, thought the best way to teach her was to show her his wedding photo album believing that visual images would help Claire’s understanding.
One page after another, he pointed out photographs of the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the actual wedding ceremony, the signing of the licence and the reception afterwards.
‘Now do you understand, darling?’ Robert inquired smiling.
‘I think so,’ responded Claire dutifully, ‘and is that when mummy came to work for us?’Emoji
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and 
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life.
William Morris
The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.
Pablo Picasso
Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness.
It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.
Mahatma Gandhi
But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive
impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.
Elizabeth Edwards
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence 

his name had been removed from the town register.

 

He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.

 

‘I’m sorry,’ said the mayor, ‘I must have taken Leif off my census.’

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘Veto!’
  
Answer: Empire Records! This movie has it all… Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll! (not to mention a great cast!) Empire Records, Open ’til Midnight! The quote was said by Gina to put a stop to Mark’s music. 
 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???   ‘I don’t need therapy.’
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
 It prods a man’s hand, and it robs him of sleep,
It makes him climb mountains and travel the deep,
It makes him go wander down deep in a cave,
and do almost anything stupid or brave,
The longer denied the greater it grows,
It makes a man learn ’till he thinks that he knows.
 
Answer: Curiosity!
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Below are 3 pairs of words. Find the words that fit in the middle of each pair of words to create two new words, one front-ended and one back-ended. 
 
Example: EVER – ______ – HORN
Answer: EVER – GREEN – HORN
 
1. STEP – __________ – PROOF
2. FIRE – __________ – BOAT
3. PICK – __________ – KNIFE
 
 
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org., http://www.wcscatering.com. Emoji
  
 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, June 23, 2014.     

 
Twenty Funny Food Facts – To Give You Fodder For Thought………..
 
An Apple is made of 25% air, that is why they float.
Apples, onions, and potatoes all have the same taste? Why not try the test: Pinch your nose and take a bite out of each.
Avocado has the highest protein and oil content of all fruits.
Cabbage is 91% water.
Carrots were originally purple in color, changing in the 17th Century to orange with newer varieties.
Celery requires more calories to eat and digest than it contains.
Cherries are a member of the rose family.
Corn always has an even number of ears.
Corn makes up about 8% of the weight in a box of corn flakes.
Eggplants [aubergine] are actually fruits, and classified botanically as berries.
Honey is the only edible food for humans that will never go bad.
Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.
Orange does not rhyme with any other word.
Peanuts are legumes [vegetables] and not a tree nut.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
Pear is a fruit that ripens from the inside out.
Strawberries are the only fruit which has its seeds on its outer skin.
American’s eat about 18 billion hot dogs a year.
Every time you lick a stamp you gain 1/10 of a calorie.
It takes around 10 litres of milk to make 1kg of cheese.
Did you know that during a lifetime the average person eats about 35 tonnes of food.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and 
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Hillary Clinton said she won’t support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn’t respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He’s been in the United States in rehab. He’s going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners.” –David Letterman
“Rob Ford is running for re-election. He’s got a very catchy campaign slogan. You’ll see it on bumper stickers all over Canada: ‘The crack stops here.'” –David Letterman
“President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'” –David Letterman
“Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever’s slowest has to be president of Afghanistan.” –Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.  While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle biscuits wafting up the stairs.

 

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled biscuits.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the biscuit was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

 

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife….. ‘Back off!’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’ 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘How does it feel to be stuffed like a turkey?’  
  
Answer: Sideout! This movie has some the the best pro volleyball players in the country in it. Sinjin Smith, Randy Stoklos, Steve Timmons, and Ricci Luyties all have played pro beach volleyball and have all played for their country on Team USA. Sinjin Smith is the true King of the Beach. The quote was said by Wiley Hunter at the beginning of the King of the Beach Tourney. 
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Veto!’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Find a rhyme for each word below so you end up with a familiar three-word phrase in the form “__, __, and __”. Number 7 is in the form “___, ___, or ___”.
 
Example:
Clue = “Cook, Wine, Drinker”
Answer = “Hook, Line, and Sinker”
 
1. Palm, Pool, Protected
2. Deer, Chose, Goat
3. Life, Stork, Prune
4. Bomb, Click, Scary
5. Pup, Cup, Convey
6. Smell, Took, Sandal
7. Spin, Clues, Law  
 
Answer:  1. Calm, Cool, and Collected
2. Ear, Nose, and Throat
3. Knife, Fork, and Spoon
4. Tom, Dick, and Harry
5. Up, Up, and Away
6. Bell, Book, and Candle
7. Win, Lose, or Draw
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
It prods a man’s hand, and it robs him of sleep,
It makes him climb mountains and travel the deep,
It makes him go wander down deep in a cave,
and do almost anything stupid or brave,
The longer denied the greater it grows,
It makes a man learn ’till he thinks that he knows.
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS ANDREA L BANKS AND MS. KIM HILLYARD! NICE SOLVING JOB LADIES! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org., http://www.wcscatering.com. Emoji
  

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday, June 20, 2014.    

 
Wisdom from the Last century………. 
1.    Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
       Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the heck alone.
2.    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3.    It’s always darkest before dawn. So, if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4.    It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
5.    We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
6.    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
7.    I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit.
8.    Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot either!
9.    If you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.
10.    Some days you are the bug, and some days you are the windshield.
11.    Don’t worry. It’s only seems kinky the first time.
12.    If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13.    Don’t squat with spurs on.
14.    Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
15.    Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
16.    Never miss a chance to shut up.
17.    Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
18.    Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
19.    Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
        That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
20.    Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21.    The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
Great fear is concealed under daring. Lucan
If you find someone you love in your life, then hang on to that love. Princess Diana
Color is my day-long obsession, joy and torment. Claude Monet
It is a matter of shame that in the morning the birds should be awake earlier than you.
Abu Bakr
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
Michael Crichton
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A lawyer’s dog, runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. An angry butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and politely asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” 

 

The lawyer smiles and answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was unleashed and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation. 

 

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???   ‘What are you gonna do, bleed on me?’
  
Answer: Monty Python and the Holy Grail! This is an excellent, but odd movie. You either LOVE it or HATE it, there is no in between. The quote was said to the Black Knight as they are trying to pass across the bridge.
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from??? ‘How does it feel to be stuffed like a turkey?’  
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
 What advice is shown below?
 
BEETROOT 
YEETROOT 
YOETROOT 
YOUTROOT 
YOURROOT 
YOURSOOT 
YOURSEOT 
YOURSELT 
YOURSELF  
 
Answer: Be true to yourself.
 
BEETROOT to YOURSELF (sound it out)  
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Find a rhyme for each word below so you end up with a familiar three-word phrase in the form “__, __, and __”. Number 7 is in the form “___, ___, or ___”.
 
Example:
Clue = “Cook, Wine, Drinker”
Answer = “Hook, Line, and Sinker”
 
1. Palm, Pool, Protected
2. Deer, Chose, Goat
3. Life, Stork, Prune
4. Bomb, Click, Scary
5. Pup, Cup, Convey
6. Smell, Took, Sandal
7. Spin, Clues, Law
 
 
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org., http://www.wcscatering.com. Emoji