God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
As I’ve grown older (but refused to grow up) I’ve discovered:
ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause…kids.
TWELVE- It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.