1. “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.”
2. I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu,
we just give you what you deserve.
3. I had a dream I was a muffler and I woke up exhausted.
4. Today I gave my dead batteries away….Free of charge.
5. Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
6. If you are running next to me on the treadmill, the answer is YES, we are racing.
7. Being honest may not get you a lot of FRIENDS but it’ll always get you the RIGHT ONES.
8. I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
9. I’m so bright my mother calls me son.
10. My eyelids are so sexy, I can’t keep my eyes off them.
11. he past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
12. What fits your schedule better……Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?
13. Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver
14. I know some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
15. I have never seen a fruit PUNCH and a cereal BOX
16. If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.
17. I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
18. Change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a coin?
19. If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?
20. Did you hear about the farmer who fed his cows birdseed and started selling cheep milk
21. A butcher goes on a first date and says ‘It was nice meating you’
22. 2 Pacs of Eminems for 50 Cents? Man that’s Ludacris
23. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
24. I wonder if earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.
25. It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!
26. Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
27. I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
28. Why does no one on icarly have a dad?
29. Man delivers load of bubblewrap. Where do you want this he asks. Just pop it in the corner was the reply.
30. I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
31. “When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot……that way people visit more often.”
32. What happens when you get scared half to death twice?
33. A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do,