Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday April 14, 2014.  

  
The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. “Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?”
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says “You’ve got lawsuits!”
6. You’re suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby’s says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse “Knock it off, Oedipus” e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. “The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill.” –Conan O’Brien
“The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, ‘I haven’t been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam.'” –Conan O’Brien
“‘Captain America’ is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan.” –Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else.” –Seth Meyers
“France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They’re hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses.” –Seth Meyers
“Last week I announced that I’m retiring. Now I’m hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached.” –David Letterman
“I’ll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, ‘Mr. Letterman, I’m sorry. I just can’t print the jokes any bigger.'” –David Letterman
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Cologne, May 27 dpa – The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many “Big Mac” hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany’s leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald’s restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies’ relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, “baskets” of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald’s has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
“A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs,” the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must “work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement – longer than people in any other country”, the IW said.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 
What movie is this quote from???  ‘I don’t know what to do. Something has happened to me and I’m very lost. And it doesn’t stop. It’s not getting better. I’m not getting better.’
  
Answer: ‘Waking The Dead’! The wonderful Keith Gordon directed this movie, which stars Billy Crudup and Jennifer Connelley, who previously starred together in, ‘Inventing The Abbotts’. Based on the novel by Scott Spencer who also wrote the novel ‘Endless Love’ (the Brooke Shields movie is terrible), which is another story of obsession and the madness of love.  
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Oh, I see. With all the poor people in this city, who wanted only to live and were viciously murdered, you have the nerve to sit here, wanting to die and not go through with it? You make me sick!’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Every dawn begins with me,
At dusk I’ll be the first you see,
And daybreak couldn’t come without
What midday centers all about.
Daises grow from me, I’m told
And when I come, I end all cold,
But in the sun I won’t be found,
Yet still, each day I’ll be around. 
 
ANSWER: The letter D  
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Find an anagram for each word in Group A. Each anagram will answer one of the clues in Group B.
 
Group A
 
1. Optic
2. Civet
3. Toner
4. Rosin
5. Lease
 
Group B
 
1. Painter’s stand
2. Singing voice
3. Golf clubs
4. Subject
5. Throw out
 
 
 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

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