WELCOME to Tuesday April 8, 2014.
Steven Wright 101
You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, “Do you live around here often?” She said, “You’re wearing two different colored socks.” I said, “Yes, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.” Then she asked, “How do you feel?” and I said, “Well, you know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.”
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn’t doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me–and I didn’t hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, “Yes, but not right now.”
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“I don’t go out with my single friends anymore, because I never have any fun. Go to a club, a guy comes over, says, ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ ‘No, oh no, she’s married.’ Yeah, I’m married, but I’m thirsty. Why don’t you shut up and let me have a free drink?” -Wanda Sykes-Hall
“I wouldn’t mind being the last man on Earth – just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth.” -Ronnie Shakes
With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state, I feel like our new goal number should be 53 states. A prime number. “One nation, indivisible…”
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A young city boy visiting a dude ranch wanted to be appear macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, “Say, isn’t that fine-looking bunch of cows over there.”
The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ it’s ‘herd.'”
“Herd of cows.”
“Sure, I’ve heard of cows!” finished the city boy excitedly, “there’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? ‘And how does our fable end? The centerfold…was she waiting on
the beach for all eternity for him to return? Why not?’
Answer: Don Juan De Marco! Johnny Depp plays ‘the greatest lover’ who ends up in the psych ward after attempting suicide. His stories and charm affect all those around, especially Brando’s character whose marriage is beautifully enriched.‘
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this
quote from??? ‘It’s embarassing. I’ve got to tell the people in my business that my best writer lives on Long Island. Writers live in Manhattan, Barry, Joey Buttafucos live on Long Island.’
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
A cracker company was very mad when they heard the results from their cracker survey. The result said that the customers would prefer crackers to nothing at all. The same customers think that donuts are better than everything else.
A new employee at the company had to tell their boss the bad news, but he saw a window of opportunity to get a promotion. When he got to his boss, he told him that the customers really preferred crackers to donuts.
How did he come up with that?
ANSWER: The new employee told the boss that they know two facts;
1) Crackers are better than nothing, and
2) Nothing is better than donuts
If you put two of them together, you get that crackers are better than donuts.
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Solve the 10 clues. Take each initial letter, to form a new 10 letter word.
1. Polite greeting
2. Opposite of begin
3. It comes from a bulb
4. Eskimo’s home
5. Another name for an axe (or ax)
6. Black Sabbath front man
7. Where a child may play
8. Large vessel for liquids
9. To change something
10. Neither left, nor wrong
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,