Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday March 17, 2014.  

Here are some more of the the best funny one liners….
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
Attitude determines your altitude.
Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay…
Bad spellers of the world untie!
Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
Batteries not included.
Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
Be good; if you can’t be good, have fun.
Be naughty – save Santa the trip.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
Best viewed on my computer.
Better late than really late.
Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
 “To celebrate Shakespeare’s 450th birthday, the Globe Theatre has plans to perform Hamlet in every country in the world, including North Korea. Said one North Korean official, ‘Do you need a skull? Because we can get you a skull.'” –Seth Meyers
“Yesterday Edward Snowden urged technology companies to improve their encryption techniques in order to prevent hacking. Then he said, ‘But not right away. I’m still using Obama’s Netflix password to watch ‘House of Cards.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Thirty Democratic senators held an all-night ‘talkathon’ on the floor of the Senate last night to highlight the impacts of climate change. Yeah, 14 hours of climate change talk — or as Al Gore calls that, ‘a first date.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“London’s famous Globe Theatre announced plans to perform Shakespeare’s play ‘Hamlet’ in North Korea. Of course, ‘Hamlet’ is about a man on a murderous revenge mission inspired by his late father. Then Kim Jong Un said, ‘Where do they come up with this stuff?'” –Jimmy Fallon
“A barber shop in Colorado is refusing to serve anybody who smells like marijuana. Today they went out of business.” –Conan O’Brien
“The Dalai Lama came out in favor of same-sex marriage. Then he introduced his husband, The Dave Lama.” –Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
 
Five surgeons were talking about the best patients…
 
First surgeon says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.”
 
Second surgeon says, “Nah – librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
 
Third surgeon responds, “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!”
 
Fourth surgeon intercedes,” I prefer lawyers.They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.”
 
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, “I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”
  
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘Well, whatever you do, however terrible, however hurtful, it all makes sense doesn’t it, in your head. You never meet anybody that thinks they’re a bad person.’
 
Answer: The Talented Mr. Ripley! Spoken by Matt Damon’s character, Tom Ripley, in his creepiest role to date!  
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘I think you know I love you. And you promised if there was anything you could ever do…’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Some people’s names (such as “Will Power”) suggest a certain personality or career choice. Given below are some last names and professions (in no particular order). For each last name, your task is to think of a common first name, such that it suggests one of the given professions. Each last name and profession must be used just once.
Example: Sonny Day would suggest a meteorologist.
 
Last Names: Burr, Lee, Oakey, Poole, Schauer, Shaw
Professions: Biologist, Cabdriver, Farmer, Lumberjack, Meteorologist, Singer
 
The hint provides the first names. 
 
ANSWER:  Brock Lee – Farmer (broccoli)
Gene Poole – Biologist (gene pool)
April Schauer – Meteorologist (April shower)
Rick Shaw – Cabdriver (rickshaw)
Tim Burr – Lumberjack (timber)
Carrie Oakey – Singer (karaoke)  
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
In each sentence below, two words are incomplete. The two words end in the same three letters, so they look like they should rhyme, but they don’t. See if you can figure out the missing letters in each sentence.
Example: One symptom of bronchitis is a ro___ co___. (The two words are: rough & cough.)
 
1. When you g___ up, I will let you climb the ship’s p___.
2. Do you want to be a ri___ swimmer or an ocean di___?
3. The strongest oarsman in the boat is a po___ ro___.
4. The cheap tickets didn’t al___ them to go be___ deck.
  
  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

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