Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday March 11, 2014.  

 
Fat Man’s Prayer
By Victor Buono
 
Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
Incited by my wicked diet.
 
“We are what we eat,” said a wise old man,
Lord, if that’s true, I’m a garbage can.
To rise on Judgment Day, it’s plain,
With my present weight, I’ll need a crane.
 
So grant me strength that I may not fall,
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
That my soul may be polyunsaturated
 
And show me the light that I may bear witness,
To the President’s Council on Physical Fitness.
And at oleomargarine I’ll never mutter,
For the road to Hell is paved with butter.
 
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in pepperoni,
The Devil himself in each slice of bologna.
 
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
And Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice,
Cut it thin and toast it twice.
 
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
Deliver me from jujube’s.
And when my days of trial are done,
And my war with malted milk balls won,
 
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe – size 30 long.
I can do it Lord, if you’ll show to me,
The virtues of lettuce and celery.
 
Teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
And of pasta a la Milanese.
And crisp-fried chicken from the South,
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth!
Amen
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.
Groucho Marx
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx
I’ve often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
Woody Allen
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can’t do.
David Brent
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by
her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
Rita Rudner
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Rita Rudner
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
 A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.  But it also lit up her arm, too!  Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the knee. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.  When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? ‘If you died right now, I would throw myself under one of my dad’s cement trucks so I could be poured into your tomb.’
 
Answer: Election! Spoken by the character Tammy Metzler. All of director Alexander Payne’s movies are set in Omaha. 
 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘I’ve applied for early admission to Oxford and the Sorbonne. Harvard is my safety.’
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Fred went to a hardware store in Boston with Alex, Ben, and George. He noted that a hammer cost ten times as much as a screwdriver and a power saw cost ten times as much as a hammer. The storekeeper said that Ben could buy a power saw, George could buy a screw driver and Alex could buy a hammer. Based on this what would the storekeeper let Fred buy?
 
ANSWER: Fred could buy all three (the power saw, hammer and screw driver) since he had $111 with him (a $1 bill-George Washington, a $10 Alexander Hamilton, and a $100 bill-Ben Franklin). Boston is in the USA and therefore uses the US currency I just described.
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
For those of you who never played Might and Magic (a computer game), the Vowel-less Knights would always say something without vowels. It was up to you, the player, to figure out what they were saying. In their tradition, what are these famous quotes?
 
1) Spk sftl nd crr bg stck.
 
2) gv hm th whl nn yrds!
 
3) Nvr hv s fw gvn s mch fr s mn.
  
 
 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

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