Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday March 31, 2014.  

  
Doesn’t It Annoy You When… 
…there’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
…you buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
…there’s a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
…you’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
…you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you.
…someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
…a friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some.
…you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around.
…you rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
…a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
…your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
…there’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
…the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
…someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
…the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
…you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia’s invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn’t spend much time online. When he says ‘LOL,’ he means ‘Look out, Latvia.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they’re not calling it a split. They’re calling it a ‘conscious uncoupling.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the ‘Bling Bishop’ after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a ‘conscious unbishopping.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.” –Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”  With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 
What movie is this quote from???  ‘I like you Clarence. Always have, always will.’
 
Answer: True Romance! Val Kilmer’s never seen Elvis speaking to Christian Slater during the drug deal scene.
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘All I gotta do now is find a one legged nun walkin’ a goat, and I win!’
 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Mr. Jones filed a lawsuit against the company he worked for. He claimed that the company he worked for was drugging him to make him a better worker. He claimed that the coffee the company provided contained a drug called Trimethylxanthine. Trimethylxanthine is an addictive drug that increases alertness, improves concentration, and gives you a euphoric feeling. It operates using the same mechanisms that amphetamines, cocaine, and heroin use to stimulate the brain only to a lesser degree. When the coffee was tested it was found that it did contain large amounts of Trimethylxanthine. But, Mr. Jones did not win his lawsuit. Why? 
 
ANSWER: Trimethylxanthine is also known as caffeine.
 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Take the list of words below and arrange them into 3 sentences that all have something in common. Each word is only used once for each time it appears in the list. Punctuation is not an issue in this teaser in the initial placement of words. Only names are capitalized to start with. 
 
DAD, LET, LETS, LEW, MARGE, MISSES, NO, NORAH, ORDERED, ROSES, SEE, SHARON’S, SIMON, TELEGRAM, TELL, WE’LL, 
 
What are the sentences and what do they have in common?
  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday March 28, 2014.  

 
REALLY?
  
Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
 
How can there be self-help “groups”?
 
Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
 
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
 
Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
 
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered mothers from Asian countries use? Toothpicks?
 
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
 
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
 
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
 
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
 
Do people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
 
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
 
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
 
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
 
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
 
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
 
How did the man who invented cottage cheese know he was done?
 
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
 
How did a fool and his money get together?
 
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
 
Can you get cavities in your dentures from using too much artificial sweetner?
 
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
 
Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your rear end?
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week
for a very special Judge Judy.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station.
And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward.” -Seth Meyers
“It’s a great day if you love magic and illusion because it’s Harry Houdini’s birthday. There’s a difference between an illusionist and a magician. Harry Houdini was an illusionist, but he was also the president of the Society of American Magicians. He was a popular president. For a while, anyway, until he passed HoudiniCare.” -Craig Ferguson
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, “I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually not such a big boob.”
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked sympathetically, “That’s okay. We like big boobs.”
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 
What movie is this quote from???  ‘You know what everybody says about me? I suck!’
 
Answer: From Dusk Till Dawn! Said by Cheech Marin upon turning into a vampire. 
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???   ‘I like you Clarence. Always have, always will.’
 
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
A wheel with ten holes,
No lugs to see;
Numbers with letters,
Mostly with three.
 
Spin me, spin me,
Again and again;
Though I always return,
You can still reach a friend.
 
What is being described?
 
ANSWER:  A rotary telephone.
 
The dial on a rotary telephone has 10 holes. If this were a wheel on a car, you would fit the holes over the lugs on the hub. Each hole is for a number, 1 through 0. Letters are assigned to most of the numbers. Most of the numbers have three letters assigned. As you dial each number of a telephone number, the dial returns counterclockwise. After completing the dialing, you could reach your friend (or anybody else).
 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Mr. Jones filed a lawsuit against the company he worked for. He claimed that the company he worked for was drugging him to make him a better worker. He claimed that the coffee the company provided contained a drug called Trimethylxanthine. Trimethylxanthine is an addictive drug that increases alertness, improves concentration, and gives you a euphoric feeling. It operates using the same mechanisms that amphetamines, cocaine, and heroin use to stimulate the brain only to a lesser degree. When the coffee was tested it was found that it did contain large amounts of Trimethylxanthine. But, Mr. Jones did not win his lawsuit. Why?
  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday March 27, 2014.  

 
Humor about the Elderly………….
OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away
OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe
OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just…don’t
OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Absolutely nothing new has happened with the missing plane. It is astounding how they continue to report ‘news’ even though they have zero information,
although, it never stopped Fox News.” –Bill Maher
“Fox News, they may be a little biased, we had an earthquake here on Monday and they reported that the Earth’s crust was emboldened by Obama’s weakness.” –Bill Maher
“First lady Michelle Obama and her daughters Sasha and Malia are visiting China for the next week and the president said the White House feels very lonely without them. Then he said, looking around, ‘OK, I think they bought it. Time for some March Madness, baby. Let’s do it!'” –Jimmy Fallon
“This week scientists revealed that a massive solar blast narrowly missed the Earth back in 2012. Or as the Mayans put it, ‘Almost told you so.'” –Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man’s first day was going.
“How you doing today?”, she said to the old man, “First day I see”. The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, “My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.” “That’s okay.”, said the old man, “I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.” Looking into the bowl the orderly said, “I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!” The old man responded, “That’s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow.”
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 
What movie is this quote from???  ‘Touch me again and I’ll kill ya.’
 
Answer: The Last Boy Scout! A line Bruce repeats several times during the movie. 
 
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘You know what everybody says about me? I suck!’
 
TODAY’S MOVIE TRIVIA BUFF AWARD GOES TO MS. KIM HILLYARD FOR SOLVING 
TODAY’S MOVIE TRIVIA! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Some people’s names (such as “Will Power”) suggest a certain personality or career choice. Given below are some last names and professions (in no particular order). For each last name, your task is to think of a common first name, such that it suggests one of the given professions. Each last name and profession must be used just once.
Example: Sonny Day would suggest a meteorologist.
 
Last Names: Ding, Flay, King, Lynn, Payne, Peace
Professions: Musician, Author, Chef, Comedian, Architect, Politician
 
The hint provides the first names.
 
ANSWER: Bill Ding – Architect (building)
Sue Flay – Chef (souffle)
Joe King – Comedian (joking)
Amanda Lynn – Musician (a mandolin) [also: Vi Lynn = violin]
Cam Payne – Politician (campaign)
Warren Peace – Author (“War and Peace”) 
 
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
A wheel with ten holes,
No lugs to see;
Numbers with letters,
Mostly with three.
 
Spin me, spin me,
Again and again;
Though I always return,
You can still reach a friend.
 
What is being described?
 
  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday March 26, 2014.  

Steven Wright Pondering….
 
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
 
How young can you die of old age?
 
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
 
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
 
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
 
On the other hand… You have different fingers.
 
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
 
Women… Can’t live with ’em… Can’t shoot ’em.
 
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
 
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!
What do batteries run on?
Are there any questions?
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
[Later] I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it… Just checking.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “you have to put your two cents in?” Somebody’s making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.”
–Albert Einstein
“If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.”
–Abraham Lincoln
“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”
–Mark Twain
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 
What movie is this quote from???  ‘Why couldn’t you ‘a just put the bunny back in the box?’
 
Answer:  Con Air! An aggravated Nicolas Cage speaking to a prisoner going through his possessions
in the baggage compartment.
 
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘Touch me again and I’ll kill ya.’
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
The following are alternate definitions for words, based on how the words sound. For example, “To drive by the docks: P _ _ _ _ _ _ _.” would result in “PASSPORT (Pass Port)”. Can you guess the words described below?
 
1. What white bears see with: P _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
2. A car’s memoirs: A _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
3. How judges get to a small island: C _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
4. To live long: D _ _ _ _ _. 
5. How good a fibber one is: L _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
6. In favor of young men and women: P _ _ _ _ _ _.  
 
ANSWER:  1. Polarize (polar eyes)
2. Autobiography (auto biography)
3. Courtship (court ship)
4. Dilate (die late)
5. Liability (lie ability)
6. Protein (pro-teen) 
 
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Some people’s names (such as “Will Power”) suggest a certain personality or career choice. Given below are some last names and professions (in no particular order). For each last name, your task is to think of a common first name, such that it suggests one of the given professions. Each last name and profession must be used just once.
Example: Sonny Day would suggest a meteorologist.
 
Last Names: Ding, Flay, King, Lynn, Payne, Peace
Professions: Musician, Author, Chef, Comedian, Architect, Politician
 
The hint provides the first names.
 
  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Tuesday March 25, 2014.  

 
THE SECRET BOX
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, “Honey,
if there’s anything I can do to make you happy, tell me.”
The preacher answered, “You know, dear, there’s that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called “your little secret” in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I’m about to go home to be with the Lord, why don’t you show me what’s in that secret box of yours?”
The preacher’s wife got out the box and opened the lid.
It contained $10,000 and three eggs.
“What are those eggs doing in the box?” the preacher asked. “Well, Honey,” she replied, “every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
“And what about that $10,000?”” he asked.
“Oh, you see,” she whispered softly, “every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box.”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin’s approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada.” –Jimmy Fallon
“It seems like everybody’s weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Lawmakers here in New York are considering a plan to bring slot machines to LaGuardia Airport. Of course there’s always that other way to gamble at LaGuardia – checking a bag.” –Jimmy Fallon
“This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don’t elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show – ‘Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo.'” –Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
 “Alright! I’ll drive them to the field trip tomorrow!” Sighed my neighbor resignedly. Sure enough the next day found her with a van full of  7 to 10 year olds. Clearly distracted, my neighbor  cruised right through a stop sign, “Don’t you know how to stop?” Screamed the exasperated crossing guard, running towards the car. My neighbor stopped her car, looked the crossing guard straight in the eye and said clearly upset, “what makes you think they are all mine?!”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 
What movie is this quote from???  ‘He confided in me before he ran out of breath.’
 
Answer: The Crow! Brandon Lee as Eric Draven – after exacting revenge on Tin-Tin. 
 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this
quote from???  ‘Why couldn’t you ‘a just put the bunny back in the box?’
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What are your answers to the respective questions so that your answers to all the questions are correct?
Question 1
The answer to Question 2 is:
A. B
B. C
C. A
 
Question 2 
The first question with correct answer B is:
A. Question 3
B. Question 1
C. Question 2
 
Question 3 
The only answer you have not chosen yet is:
A. A
B. B
C. C
ANSWER:  Question 1: C
Question 2: A
Question 3: B
 
Just go through the answers to Question 1:
The answer can’t be “A” because then the answer to question 2 would say that the answer to Question 1 was really “B”.
The answer to Question 1 can’t be “B” either, because then question 2 would state that its own answer is “B”, when it would have to be “C”.
This leaves “C” for Question 1 and “A” for Question 2.
Question 3 must then have an answer of “B”.
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
The following are alternate definitions for words, based on how the words sound. For example, “To drive by the docks: P _ _ _ _ _ _ _.” would result in “PASSPORT (Pass Port)”. Can you guess the words described below?
 
1. What white bears see with: P _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
2. A car’s memoirs: A _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
3. How judges get to a small island: C _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
4. To live long: D _ _ _ _ _. 
5. How good a fibber one is: L _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
6. In favor of young men and women: P _ _ _ _ _ _.
  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday March 24, 2014.  

Some of the worst Puns……
 
I changed my I Pod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now .
 
When chemists die, they barium.
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .
 
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran .
 
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .
 
How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it.
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .
 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore .
 
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down .
 
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
 
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
 
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 
 
Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .
 
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz .
 
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
 
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me .
 
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
 
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils ?
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble .
 
What does a clock do when it’s hungry ? It goes back four seconds.
 
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. 
Then it hit me !
 
Broken pencils are pointless.
 
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
 
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? 
A thesaurus.
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
 
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
 
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .
 
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! 
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they’d mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone.” -Jimmy Fallon
 
“Let’s name the Pope’s favorite movies. There’s ‘Holy Ghost Busters.’ ‘Dude, Where’s My Cardinal?’ ‘Sistine Candles.’ ‘Amen in Black.’ ‘Live and Let Diocese.’ ‘A Pew Good Men.’ And ‘How to Train Your Deacon.'” -Craig Ferguson
 
“Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place.” -Seth Meyers 
 
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
“What’s the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket–she’s prepared to shop. 
What’s the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn–he’s prepared for traffic.
 
“What’s the first toy a little girl wants? A doll–she’s prepared to shop with friends. 
What’s the first toy a little boy wants? A gun–he’s prepared for traffic.”
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 
What movie is this quote from???   ‘I don’t tip.’  ‘You don’t tip?’  ‘I don’t tip because society says I have to.’
 
Answer: Reservoir Dogs! From the famous restaurant scene.  
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘He confided in me before he ran out of breath.’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
In this teaser, I have given you 4 words. Beside each word is a series of letter groupings. Your task is to find the answer to the word on the left by choosing one letter from each of the letter groups to the right of each clue.
 
Example:  Statuette: fro evi gse rpu lor nai ngd rep  
Fgo evI Gse rpU loR naI Ngd rEp = FIGURINE
 
1. Building: ant uhp yte alk ttr wrq ase
2. Kettledrum: qwt gig hjm klp all rnq tti
3. Image: ppo ghi kcl axt dug nrm eue
4. Music: sds fof uhk jnl dlk  
 
ANSWER: 1. Building: THEATRE
2. Kettledrum: TIMPANI
3. Image: PICTURE
4. Music: SOUND
 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What are your answers to the respective questions so that your answers to all the questions are correct?
 
——————————————
 
Question 1
The answer to Question 2 is:
A. B
B. C
C. A
 
Question 2 
The first question with correct answer B is:
A. Question 3
B. Question 1
C. Question 2
 
Question 3 
The only answer you have not chosen yet is:
A. A
B. B
C. C
 
  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 

 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday March 21, 2014.  

Calorie-burning activities
 
Proper weight control cannot be attained by dieting alone; however, many people who are engaged in sedentary occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require much (or any) physical exercise.
 
Here’s the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
 
Beating around the bush . . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . .75
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 650 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“People have been selling fake parking spaces. They charge people to park in spots that they have no ownership of. Here’s a tip to avoid becoming a victim of this fraud. If you find a parking space during the festival, it’s a scam.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“NASA just announced that it recently discovered more than 3,000 new stars. NASA scientists say they were able to discover the stars through the careful process of turning the telescope to the left.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 
What movie is this quote from???   ‘Did you bring me a monkey?’
 
Answer: Multiplicity! Question asked by a cloned Michael Keaton. 
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???  ‘I don’t tip.’  ‘You don’t tip?’  ‘I don’t tip because society says I have to.’
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
 What expression is represented here?
 
 
Brrr….shake, shake….brrrrr;
 
me
 
Maple, oak, blackwood, acacia, birch and mountain-ash.
 
ANSWER:  Shiver me timbers
 
 
Brrr….shake, shake….brrrrr: shiver (Shivering)
 
me
 
Maple, oak, blackwood, acacia, birch and mountain-ash: timbers (a group of trees).
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
In this teaser, I have given you 4 words. Beside each word is a series of letter groupings. Your task is to find the answer to the word on the left by choosing one letter from each of the letter groups to the right of each clue.
 
Example:
 
Statuette: fro evi gse rpu lor nai ngd rep
 
Answer:
 
Fgo evI Gse rpU loR naI Ngd rEp = FIGURINE
 
1. Building: ant uhp yte alk ttr wrq ase
2. Kettledrum: qwt gig hjm klp all rnq tti
3. Image: ppo ghi kcl axt dug nrm eue
4. Music: sds fof uhk jnl dlk
  

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji