Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Friday February 28, 2014.  

 
More Daffy Definitions For Friday!

Handicap – A head cover that is easy to locate and wear.
Hardship – A ship protected by thick cover.
Hatchet – What a hen does to an egg.
Hay – Grass a-la-mowed.
Headlight – A dizzy spell.
Heavy Duty – Loading an elephant.
Hence – An enclosure around a hen yard.
Heroes – What a guy in a boat does.
High school – A school atop the Sears Building.
High water – The main reason Noah built the ark.
Himalaya – A rooster that lays an egg.
Holy Smoke – A church on fire.
House Keeper – A lady that kicks her husband out and keeps the house.
Ideal Person – A card player that wants to deal everytime.
Illegal – A sick bird.
Installment – Putting a horse in a stall.
Lad – A short ladder.
Laughing Stock – Cattle, horses, sheep and hogs responding to a good joke.
Layaway Plan – A pre-arranged burial plan.
Laying Down The Law – Putting the law aside and making your own rules.
Left Bank – What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Life Jacket – A special coat that lasts a lifetime.
Lip Service – Applying lipstick.
Little Dipper – A small boy diving.
Long Jump – When the cow jumped over the moon.
Matchbook – A book about matches.
Megaphone – A very large telephone.
Mistletoe – Any animal with a toe missing.
Misty – How golfers create divots.
Mohair – What bald headed men need.
Monkey Business – A petstore employing monkeys only.
Moron – Someone that spent all night studying for a blood test.
Moth Ball – A special social event for moths.
Negative Feedback – One result of seasickness.
Network – The process of making nets.
Outfit – Pitching a fit outdoors.
Over Leap – When the cow jumped over the moon.
Overloaded – An elephant riding a bicycle.
Oyster Bed – A place for an oyster to sleep.
Pacifist – One that can’t advocate peace without clinching his fist.
Paradox – Two physicians.
Parasites – What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
Pedestrian – An endagered species.
Period – A comma that curled up and went to sleep.
Pharmacist – A helper on the farm.
Piggyback – A lost pig is back home.
Pigment – A mint plant grown to feed hogs.
Pineapple – An apple that grew on a pine tree.
Polarize – What penguins see with.
Pole Vault – A vault where poles hid from Hitler.
Polite – A light on a pole.
Polygon – A parrot that got away.
Priesthood – A special headpiece for a priest.
Primate – Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Protest – Testing a professional person.
Put-down – To hot to handle.
Quarterback – Change when you pay for a 75¢ item with a dollar bill.
Reform – To gain or lose weight.
Refuse – Replacing a burned out fuse.
Relief – What trees do in the spring.
Remind – A brain transplant.
Rest Stop – The traffic light is stuck on red.
Retire – Replacement of tires.
Ringworm – Worm with a bell.
Rock Music – A lullaby sung in a rocking chair.
Roman – A person that never settles very long in one place.
Sausage – “Groundog”.
Scorekeeper – Someone that knows the score but keeps it to himself.
Showoff – The show has been cancelled.
Selfish – What the owner of a seafood store does.
Single Entry – Single people only.
Standing Order – Freeze!
Subdued – Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed – Brought litigation against a government official.
Sunny – A bright boy.
Sunbeam – A heat proof beam supporting the sun.
Sunburn – What you basked for.
Sundial – An old-timer.
Sweater – A person that freely perspires.
Syntax – All the money collected at the church from sinners.
Teenagers – People who are doing the things you wish we had thought of when we were younger.
Time Keeper – A guy that didn’t return your watch.
Tireless – Have a car but have no tires.
Tooth Picks – The choices many dentists give patients to select their artificial teeth.
Touch-Me-Not – A person with a severe sunburn.
Travelers Aid – A soft drink for tourists.
Vegetarian – An old indian word meaning “bad hunter.”
Vitamin – What you do when someone comes to the house.
Waffle Iron – A special additive to put more iron in waffles.
Waterfall – A “watered-down” place in a stream.
Well Done – A water, gas or oil well is completed.
Weekend – A book with a blah ending.
Whether – Unpredictable weather.
Wildlife – Living it up!
Witchcraft – Handmade crafts made for Halloween.
Woodchuck – Throwing a heavy pole, post or other item made of wood.
Workout – An outside job.
Writer – One who corrects a wrong.
Year Book – A book that takes a year to read.
Zero Hour – Time kept by a “cuckoo” clock.
  
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
 “Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O’Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book ‘Killing Jesus.’ I’m going to have to tell him someone else did a book on that subject and it sold quite well.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“A new study of online dating profiles reveals that women respond 31 percent better to men who use the word ‘whom.’ Frankly, I don’t know whom these men are, or whom they’re trying to impress.” -Conan O’Brien
“Charlie Sheen announced that he is getting married for the fourth time. Charlie said, ‘I just know this is the woman I’m going to be with for the rest of my February.'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else. It read: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? Girls who glide need guys who make them thump.’ 
 
Answer: Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead! The title came from a Warren Zevon song.  
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘I can’t play Pooh to your Christopher Robin.’
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
 A vacationing family sitting around the campfire has the following conversation:
 
1. Father: What day is it? I am sure it isn’t Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. 
2. Mother: Well that’s not very helpful dear. Besides yesterday was Friday. 
3. Father: No, now that I think about it, yesterday wasn’t Friday, tomorrow is Friday. 
4. Jon: The day after tomorrow is Thursday. 
5. Meg: You are nuts. Tomorrow is Thursday. 
6. Mother: Actually, it’s probably Thursday today. 
7. Jon: All we know for sure is that it wasn’t Sunday yesterday. 
 
If only one statement above is true, what day of the week is it? 
 
ANSWER: Number each person’s statement and write down the list of days that it could be according to each statement.
 
1. Monday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday 
2. Saturday 
3. Thursday 
4. Tuesday 
5. Wednesday 
6. Thursday 
7. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday 
 
The only day mentioned one time is Monday. Therefore it must be Monday, otherwise one of the other statements would be true. 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Find all ten words described below.
 
——————-
 
The first word you’ll need 
is a tool used to snare.
Reverse and add one:
a dwelling filled with fresh air.
 
Append the letter H
to find a metric sort of part.
Now change N to E to get
a smile, at its heart.
 
Tack on an ‘I N G’
to make a baby’s cross to bear.
Remove the center two
and find a golfer’s action there.
 
Add an S and drop the E’s:
A painful bite you’ll see.
Add one to the end: you will make
penny-pinching, miserly.
 
Put first 2 and last 2 out the door,
What’s left is really cool.
Only keep the first half of that
And now you find the fool.
 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 
 
  

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Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday February 27, 2014.  

Dialogues 
 
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I’ll deal with you later.
Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
Psychiatrist: Next please!
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn’t you pray for Uncle John too?
Daughter: I didn’t want to ask for too much.
Parent: I’d like a day without punishing you.
Little Mishief: You have my full permission!
Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week.
Captain: My, weren’t you afraid that you’d fall off?
Student: Could I get in trouble if I didn’t do something?
Teacher: Well, I don’t suppose so.
Student: In that case, I didn’t do my homework.
Jim: What’s white, steep, and has ears?
Tara: I don’t know.
Jim: A snow-covered mountain.
Tara: What about the ears?
Jim: Haven’t you ever heard of mountaineers?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn’t a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Student: Teacher, how can I look up a word to spell in the dictionary
if I don’t know how to spell the word in the first place?
Teacher: Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater? You don’t need to heat hot water!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can’t remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn’t! What’s it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
Mailman 2: Did you put anything on it?
Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“While celebrating Canada’s defeat over Sweden in men’s hockey, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walked into a fire hydrant, injuring his groin. It’s really saying something when this is the least embarrassing thing Rob Ford has done all year. It’s almost presidential for Rob Ford.”  –Seth Meyers
“A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that’s all there is.” –Seth Meyers
“The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men’s hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The president of the Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, was ousted in a major uprising this weekend. This could be bad for Vladimir Putin because a lot of people think he and Yanukovych were friends. I guess that’s why today Putin said, ‘We weren’t REAL friends. Just Facebook friends.” –Jimmy Fallon
“The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, ‘We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'” –Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. “For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.” At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. “For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.”
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘If you shoot this man, you die next. Repeat. If you shoot this man, you die next.’
 
Answer:  Reservoir Dogs! Spoken by Mr. White, played by Harvey Keitel. Harvey Keitel’s wife was teaching an acting class and came across the script.
 
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? Girls who glide need guys who make them thump.’
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
 Each pair of definitions is for two words, where the second word is the first word with a letter deleted (example: brand & band). The length of the first word in each pair is provided, along with the position of the deleted letter to obtain the second word.
 
1) covered with soft thick hair (5 letters) & (delete 3rd letter) violent anger, wild rage
2) a fabric made of fibrous material (5 letters) & (delete 5th letter) to coagulate
3) the relative resistance of a material to scratching or denting (8 letters) & (delete 4th letter) the straps by which a parachute is fastened to a person
4) a hypnotic, cataleptic, or ecstatic state (6 letters) & (delete 4th letter) a barely perceptible amount
 
ANSWER: 1) furry & fury
2) cloth & clot
3) hardness & harness
4) trance & trace 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
A vacationing family sitting around the campfire has the following conversation: 
 
1. Father: What day is it? I am sure it isn’t Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. 
2. Mother: Well that’s not very helpful dear. Besides yesterday was Friday. 
3. Father: No, now that I think about it, yesterday wasn’t Friday, tomorrow is Friday. 
4. Jon: The day after tomorrow is Thursday. 
5. Meg: You are nuts. Tomorrow is Thursday. 
6. Mother: Actually, it’s probably Thursday today. 
7. Jon: All we know for sure is that it wasn’t Sunday yesterday. 
 
If only one statement above is true, what day of the week is it?
 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 
 
  

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday February 26, 2014.  


Daffy Definitions
 
Abundance – A baker’s exercise (A-bun-dance)
Arbitrator – A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
Arcade – A lemonade type drink served on Noah’s Ark.
Avoidable – What a bullfighter tries to do.
Babysitter – A small child that has not learned to crawl or walk.
Baloney – Where some hemlines fall.
Band-Aid – A fund to help a band.
Bernadette – The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize – What a crook sees with.
Cadillac – Lack of cattle.
Contents – Where con men sleep while on a camping trip.
Control – A short, ugly inmate.
Cookout – The cook’s day off.
Counterfeiters – Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Cowlick – Bashing a cow.
Cowhide – Game of Hide and Seek played by cows.
Detail – Removing a tail.
Dieting – The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
Dog Paddle – A rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it.
Doughnut – Holey food.
Eclipse – What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Eyedropper – A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Fan Club – A weapon used by a celebrity so he won’t be crushed by fans.
Feather Brained – Fuzzy headed.
Feather Head – An American Indian Chief.
Fire Escape – A way for a fire to go out.
First Lady – Eve.
Flying Saucers – The wife is on a rampage.
Funny Paper – (1) A paper that laughs. (2) The paper you read instead of going to church.
Ghost Town – A town full of Haunted Houses.
Girl Scout – A boy that “scouts” for girls.
Good-bye – A bargain.
Gossip – 24-hour teller.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a Wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“If you cannot convince them, confuse them.”
— Harry S. Truman
“No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.”
— Yogi Berra
“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
— Groucho Marx
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A man was taking his pregnant (with twins) wife to the hospital when he got into a bad car accident. Upon regaining consciousness, he finds his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting bedside.
He asks his brother how his wife is & his brother says,
“Don’t worry, everyone is fine. In fact, you have a healthy son & daughter too…but the hospital was in a real hurry with the birth certificates and I had to name the kids, because you and your wife were both unconscious.”
“Oh no,” thought the husband, “what has he done now?”
“Well, what did you name them?” he asks. His brother says, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband says, “Why that’s a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?”
“Denephew”
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘It’s like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk. You find people.’
 
Answer: Waiting for Guffman! The only scenes that were actually scripted for this movie were the ‘Red White and Blaine’ scenes – everything else was ad-libbed by the actors. 
 
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘If you shoot this man, you die next. Repeat. If you shoot this man, you die next.’
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Below are 3 pairs of words. Find the words that fit in the middle of each pair of words to create two new words, one front-ended and one back-ended. 
 
Example: EVER – ______ – HORN
Answer: EVER – GREEN – HORN
 
SLIP ___________ LINED
BREAD __________ CASE
OTHER __________ CRACK 
 
ANSWER: SLIP – STREAM – LINED
BREAD – BASKET – CASE
OTHER – WISE – CRACK  
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Each pair of definitions is for two words, where the second word is the first word with a letter deleted (example: brand & band). The length of the first word in each pair is provided, along with the position of the deleted letter to obtain the second word.
 
1) covered with soft thick hair (5 letters) & (delete 3rd letter) violent anger, wild rage
2) a fabric made of fibrous material (5 letters) & (delete 5th letter) to coagulate
3) the relative resistance of a material to scratching or denting (8 letters) & (delete 4th letter) the straps by which a parachute is fastened to a person
4) a hypnotic, cataleptic, or ecstatic state (6 letters) & (delete 4th letter) a barely perceptible amount
 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 
 
  

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday February 25, 2014.  

 
Oxymorons

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Airline Food

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

American history

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt Head

Military Intelligence

Software documentation

New York culture

 

New classic

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Today in New York was the finals of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. This year the dogs competed in a variety of categories including talent, evening gown, and swimsuit.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Here in New York City we have so much snow that they’re running out of salt. So right this minute, sanitation workers are out on the street scraping pretzels.” -Dave Letterman
“There’s a new survey that found that 50 percent of doctors admit to going on Wikipedia to look up medical information. While the rest behave like professionals and use WebMD.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I’ll fix it for you.”
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door… with the electrical cord in her right hand.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???   ‘Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water? Or was it his in-depth analysis of, uh, uh, Marky Mark that finally reeled you in?’
 
Answer: Reality Bites! Spoken by Troy Dyer, played by Ethan Hawke, who also contributed a song to the soundtrack. 
 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ‘It’s like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk. You find people.’
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What common phrase is represented below? 
 
IGAR 
CIGR 
CGAR 
CIGA 
CIAR 
 
ANSWER: Close, but no cigar.  
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Below are 3 pairs of words. Find the words that fit in the middle of each pair of words to create two new words, one front-ended and one back-ended. 
 
Example: EVER – ______ – HORN
Answer: EVER – GREEN – HORN
 
SLIP ___________ LINED
BREAD __________ CASE
OTHER __________ CRACK
 
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS FOR SOLVING THE QUIZZLER OF THE DAY! GREAT JOB BANKS! EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 
 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday February 24, 2014.  

1. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

2. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

3. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help  smiling when

you see one tumble down the stairs.

4. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

5. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

6. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train

people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

7. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

8. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

9. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

10. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

14. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

15. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.” –Gustave Flaubert
“The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not.” –George Bernard Shaw
“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.” –Bernard Bailey
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
 A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.
The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, “Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.”
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???   ‘I hate you more! If hate were people…I’d be China!’
 
Answer: City Slickers! Phil Berquist (Daniel Stern) comes up with a great zinger to end his screaming match with his soon-to-be-ex-wife at the 39th birthday party of his friend Mitch (Billy Crystal). 
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ‘Did he dazzle you with his extensive knowledge of mineral water? Or was it his in-depth analysis of, uh, uh, Marky Mark that finally reeled you in?’
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Guess this prefix…
 
I change something weighing two thousand pounds into a small, light container.
I turn a food that is decaying into one that isn’t.
I turn a whole country into a small flower.
I change something alive into something flat and not alive.
 
ANSWER:  The prefix is “CAR-“.
 
I change something weighing two thousand pounds into a small, light container.
CARton
 
I turn a food that is decaying into one that isn’t.
CARrot
 
I turn a whole country into a small flower.
CARnation
 
I change something alive into something flat and not alive.
CARpet
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What common phrase is represented below? 
 
IGAR 
CIGR 
CGAR 
CIGA 
CIAR

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 
 
 

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

demotivators_picdump_09

WELCOME to Thursday February 20, 2014.  

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
12. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
13. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
14. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
15. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
16. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
17. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
18. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
19. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
20. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Welcome to ‘The Tonight Show.’ This is the first ‘Tonight Show’ broadcast from New York in over 40 years. I’m Jimmy Fallon and I’ll be your host . . . for now.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Of course, I wouldn’t be here tonight if it weren’t for the previous ‘Tonight Show’ hosts, so I want to say ‘thank you’ to Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, and Jay Leno. Amazing lineage.” –Jimmy Fallon
“I had a great childhood, but if you’d told me when I was a kid that after graduating high school, I’d get to be on ‘Saturday Night Live’ and eventually I’d be the host of ‘The Tonight Show,’ I’d have said, ‘I graduated high school?'” –Jimmy Fallon
“The U.S. men’s hockey team beat Russia on Saturday in a very dramatic shoot-out. That was exciting. The American team said they’re thrilled with the win, while the Russian team is missing.” Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His personal psychic advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is delighted with this news,
“This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.
“No,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘There are two hundred and fifteen bones in the human body. That’s *one*.’
 
Answer: Terminator 2: Judgment Day! Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) talks as tough as she acts, after breaking the arm of her psychiatrist, Dr. Silberman (Earl Boen). Unfortunately, her (or, to be fair, writer-director James Cameron’s) knowledge of anatomy is a little off: there are actually 206 bones in the human body, not 215. Oops. 
 
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ‘I hate you more! If hate were people…I’d be China!’
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
If you choose to answer this question at random, what are the chances you will be correct?
 
A) 25%
B) 50%
C) 60%
D) 25% 
 
ANSWER: 0%  If you were to choose 25%, that would be wrong, because there are two 25% answers, giving you a probability of 50%, which is also not possible, because the answer 50% is only offered once as an option. It’s a probability paradox! 
 
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Guess this prefix…
 
I change something weighing two thousand pounds into a small, light container.
I turn a food that is decaying into one that isn’t.
I turn a whole country into a small flower.
I change something alive into something flat and not alive.

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji 
 
 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

my-wife-is-coming

WELCOME to Wednesday February 19, 2014.  

Signs You’ve Grown Up…….. 
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those gosh darn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
 “Every artist was first an amateur.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Laughter is the closest distance between two people.”
— Victor Borge
“The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.”
— Louis C. K.
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
There was this guy watching T.V., and he heard a knock at the door,
so he got up to get it, and when he opened the door,
all he saw was a snail, so he picked it up and threw it as far as he could,
and three years later he was watching T.V., and someone knocked at the door,
so he got up to get it, and there the snail was, and the snail looked up at the guy and said,
“What in the heck was that for?”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘So I go to start shooting, and he says, ‘Where’s your script?’ And I say, ‘I don’t need a script. Godard doesn’t use a script.’ And he says, ‘Great. Who’s Godard?’
 
Answer: The Doors! Ray Manzarek (Kyle Maclachlan) explains to Jim Morrison (Val Kilmer) that film school didn’t work out quite the way he had planned. 
 
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ‘There are two hundred and fifteen bones in the human body. That’s *one*.’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
The following clues each form a unique word by themselves, add them together to get the name of a country. Example: blue and yellow mixed + solid ground = ? Answer: green + land = Greenland 
 
1. frozen water + solid ground of the earth = ?
 
2. used to refer to oneself + competed in a race = ?
 
3. anger or wrath + to lower an airplane from sky to ground = ?
 
4. a relaxing resort + not out = ?
 
bonus: never used + enthusiastic devotion + in addition to = ? ? 
 
ANSWER: 1. ice + land = Iceland
2. I + ran = Iran
3. ire + land = Ireland
4. spa + in = Spain
 
bonus: new + zeal + and = New Zealand  
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
If you choose to answer this question at random, what are the chances you will be correct?
 
A) 25%
B) 50%
C) 60%
D) 25%

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji