Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday January 2, 2013.  

More Puns….

A)  Two fishermen were in a boat by the lake, when one of them stood to catch a fish in a net. As he scooped up the carp, his wallet fell out of his back pocket. As the seemingly doomed billfold started to sink to the lake bottom, the carp slipped out of the net and swam after it, re-emerging with it on his nose.
 
However, instead of returning it, he tossed it to one of his fish buddies, who balanced it on his nose. More of more of fish-buddies emerged from the water, and all of them played this strange game of keep-away with the man’s billfold.
 
The first man watched, slackjawed. He said to the other “Have you ever seen anything like this before?”
 
The second man answered “Sure I have. Haven’t you heard of carp-to-carp walleting?”
 
B)  A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: “I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE!”
 
 
C)  “Did you see this story? Says here that a newspaper published a report about election fraud, and some goons from the ruling party went and attacked their offices.”
“What did they do?”
“Oh, toppled file cabinets, threw paper around, smashed monitors…”
“Any loss of life?”
“No, it looks like just a monitor-y loss.”
 
D)  I’ve been reading something very interesting — Stephen Hawking’s latest book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.
 
E)  Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got lost quite often. They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait.
 
F)  Kay Nein’s English Bulldog, Og, had just been awarded “˜Best in Show’ and she
felt a celebratory ice cream from Calabash’s Frozen Doggie Treats was in order; however, what she had intended to be a single scoop in a cup quickly evolved into a glop of every flavor available – leading Kay to comment, “It’s a mishmash, Calabash, give Og a cone!”
 
G)  Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of year ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.
As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.
 
H)  I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers, but I Kant.
– Dan
 
I)  Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?
No, really?  Yeah. Course it was his pride that did him in.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a Great Thursday! Remember whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain
 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips 
 
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.Ronald Knox
 
A hard man is good to find. Mae West
 
A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
Mae West
 
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West
 
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx
 
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.
Sam Goldwyn
 
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields
 
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Rudyard Kipling
   
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
 A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: 
“You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.” 
 
The wife lies down on the bed… just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again, a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor. 
 
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical, but, the wife insists the story is true. 
 
“Look, lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!” 
 
So, he lies down next to the wife… Just then the husband walks in. 
“What,” he says in an ominous tone, “are you doing here?” 
 
The manager replies: 
“Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
 
 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘The defendant sold pennies for seventeen dollars and ninety-nine cents.’  
 
Answer:  ‘Trial and Error’ This was the complete closing argument of the prosecutor to the jury in the criminal fraud trial in this thought-provoking movie. Michael Richards (Kramer from ‘Seinfeld’) is wonderful as a non-lawyer who impersonates a lawyer to help out his friend, and ends up trying the case when the Judge won’t grant a continuance. During the film the characters all discover things about themselves and the deception in their lives, leading to a satisfying conclusion. 
 
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ‘Look, the super models are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you’ve been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high, full of the single greatest commodity known to man–promise, the promise of a better day, the promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl, in her smile, and in her soul, in the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it’s going to be OK. The super models, Willy, that’s all they are, bottled promise, hope dancing in stilettoed heels.’ 
 
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
 Decipher this:
 
wowolfol
 
ANSWER: wolf in sheep’s clothing (wolf in wool) 
 
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
I’m often seen around a lot, referred to many ways,
See me black and you may find misfortune haunts your days.
Tell a thing, that should have been kept quiet, to all around,
Then look inside the sack, there I’m no longer to be found. 
Nosiness, prying, snooping, leaves me fearing, full of dread,
For all these things are likely to see me soon lying dead.
These clues combined should start to give a picture, an idea,
Of who or what I am, so can you tell me? Is it clear?
 
 
 
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

 

 

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