Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

my-wife-is-coming

WELCOME to Monday December 23, 2013.  

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don’t EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you….
Things NOT To Say When Hanging Christmas Lights
–“You’ve got two red lights right next to each other. You’re supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…”
–“Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.”
–“What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?”
–“Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I’m going to fry that sucker.”
–“If you’re not going to do it right, don’t do it at all. Don’t just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You’re worse than your father.”
–“Give me that!!”
–“You’ve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.”
–“I don’t care if you have found another two strings, I’m done!”
–“You’ve just wound ’em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldn’t look like a spiral this year?”
–“Have you been drinking?!!?”
–“Well alrighty then, it looks like we’re *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey….wait a minute, where’s the cat?”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a
great Monday, and whatever you do, don’t forget to
LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Every year I do this during the holidays. This is the day I go into Central Park and chop down my Christmas tree.” –Dave Letterman
“Are you all getting your Christmas shopping done? I crossed three people off my gift list today. I didn’t get them anything, I just crossed them off.” –Jay Leno
“There are only a few days left until Christmas. I tell you, it’s really amazing how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook.” -Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
There was this group of old ladies riding in their car about 35 miles an hour when a cop stopped them and asked, “Do you know your only going 35?”
“Yes” said the driver.
“Why are you going only 35?”
“Because the sign says 35.” she replies.
“That’s the number of the road,” the policeman said. “By the way, why are those ladies in the back seat so scared?”.
The driver said,” We just got off of Highway 95″
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???   ‘You know you don’t recognize the most significant moments of your life when they happen. You think there’ll be other days. I didn’t realize that this was the only day.’
 
Answer: ‘Field of Dreams’! Burt Lancaster as Moonlight Graham is talking with Kevin Costner who has traveled a long way to talk with him. Moonlight goes on to say: ‘You know, I never got to bat in the major leagues. I’d have liked to have had that chance, just once. To stare down a big league pitcher, to stare at him and just as he goes into his windup, to wink, Make him think you know something he doesn’t. To squint into a sky so blue it hurts your eyes just to look at it; to feel the tingle in your arms when you hit the ball dead-on; to run the bases, to stretch a double into a triple and flop face-first into third and wrap your arm around the base. This is my wish, Ray Kinsella. And is there enough magic in the moonlight to make this wish come true?’  
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???   ‘How can you diagnose someone as having obsessive-compulsive disorder and yet criticize him for not making an appointment?’
 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
A worker is to perform work for you for seven straight days. In return for his work, you will pay him 1/7th of a bar of gold per day. The worker requires a daily payment of 1/7th of the bar of gold. What and where are the fewest number of cuts to the bar of gold that will allow you to pay him 1/7th each day? 
 
ANSWER: Day One: You make your first cut at the 1/7th mark and give that to the worker.
Day Two: You cut 2/7ths and pay that to the worker and receive the original 1/7th in change.
Day three: You give the worker the 1/7th you received as change on the previous day.
Day four: You give the worker 4/7ths and he returns his 1/7th cut and his 2/7th cut as change.
Day Five: You give the worker back the 1/7th cut of gold.
Day Six: You give the worker the 2/7th cut and receive the 1/7th cut back in change.
Day Seven: You pay the worker his final 1/7th. 
 
Everyone is happy.  
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
I come to your home uninvited but not through the door.
I am put in a can and for months you can store.
I am made up of more than one thing of course,
Though they’re all from the same sty-bound source.
If you’re lost you can use me reversed to get back on track.
I was a Python sketch too if you can recall that far back.
 
What am I?
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s