Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

hitman-monkey

WELCOME to Monday December 9, 2013.  

Things you would never know without the movies….
– During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a club at least once.
– All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
– All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
– If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
– You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
– A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
– When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
– Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
– Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
– A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
– Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
– Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
– A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
– It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
– Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
– Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
– Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday, and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“Obamacare is still struggling to get off the ground. Experts now say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why as of today it covers medical marijuana.” –Conan O’Brien
“This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America’s nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice.” –Conan O’Brien
“Today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of Mayor Rob Ford doing heroin, which is weird because I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“There is information that Mayor Ford tried to buy the infamous video of him smoking crack. And the gang members wanted $500,000 and a car. Sounds like Ford would make a good game-show host.” –Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”    God smiled. “Think about it–who can he tell?”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘When a man’s partner is killed, he’s supposed to do something about it. It doesn’t make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you’re supposed to do something about it.’ 
 
Answer:  ‘The Maltese Falcon’ Humphrey Bogart as hard-boiled private eye Sam Spade. 
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘I say that you cannot administer a wicked law impartially. You can only destroy, you can only punish. And I warn you, that a wicked law, like cholera, destroys everyone it touches, its upholders as well as its defilers.’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
The following are clues that describe words containing an “ant”. The clues do not refer to the words themselves, rather they refer to the word that must be added to the “ant”. For example, “an ant that is waiting for something to happen” would be “expectant” (expect ant). The ant may appear at the beginning or the end of the word. Where it appears is given in the hint should you need it.
 
1. This ant will rely on you.
2. The end of an ant’s trousers.
3. The first ant.
4. This will burn an ant severely.
5. Two ants going to get married in secret.
6. This ant rides up sloped driveways. 
 
ANSWER: 1. dependent  2. anthem  3. adamant  4. antacid  5. antelope  6. rampant
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What replaces the ??? in the puzzle below? 
 
1 Lincoln 
+ 2 Jeffersons 
+ 3 Roosevelts 
+ 4 Washingtons 
+ 5 Kennedys 
_______________ 
???
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
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