Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

VH-funny-puns-delete-cookies

WELCOME to Monday December 2, 2013.  Punday………

1. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
2. I stepped on a Cornflake, and now I am a cereal killer.
3. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in
        a swimming pool?
4. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
5. Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
6. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
7. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
8. The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
9. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
10. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
11. Velcro – what a rip off!
12. Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
13. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
14. All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen.
        The police have nothing to go on.
15. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
16. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
17. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
18. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
19. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
20. Broken pencils are pointless.
21. When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
22. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
23. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
24. We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
25. Why do psychics ask your name?
26. If parents say, “Never take candy from strangers” then why do we celebrate Halloween?
27. You all laugh because I’m different – I laugh because you’re all the same.
28. Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
29. I don’t get older. I level up.
30. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man,
         there are two or more.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a Wonderful weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
 When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
– George Bernard Shaw
Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
– Charles M. Schulz
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
– Oscar Wilde
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
– Napoleon Bonaparte
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
– Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
– Mark Twain
God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.
– Garrison Keillor
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
– Mark Twain
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day … And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
‘That’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded: ‘I’ll tell you what though, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.’
‘You mean from the hunger?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the skippin!’
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘Rule number three: don’t you ever try and run on us. ‘Cause I’ve got six little friends…and they can all run faster than you can.’
 
Answer: From Dusk Till Dawn! Seth Gecko (George Clooney), brandishing his six-shooter, makes it clear to his hostage that any attempt to flee would be a bad idea.  
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ‘I was their number one son…and they treated me like number two.’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
The following are alternate definitions for words, based on how the words sound. For example, “To drive by the docks: P _ _ _ _ _ _ _.” would result in “PASSPORT (Pass Port)”. Can you guess the words described below?
 
1. What white bears see with: P _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
2. A car’s memoirs: A _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
3. How judges get to a small island: C _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
4. To live long: D _ _ _ _ _. 
5. How good a fibber one is: L _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. 
6. In favor of young men and women: P _ _ _ _ _ _. 
 
ANSWER: 1. Polarize (polar eyes)
2. Autobiography (auto biography)
3. Courtship (court ship)
4. Dilate (die late)
5. Liability (lie ability)
6. Protein (pro-teen)
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
My host thinks I’m an irritation, a bother, a pain. 
But he can’t evict me, so here I will remain.
Then one day I’m taken and ranked among my peers. 
Can you guess just what I am? 
Then you might call me dear.  
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
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