Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
If the world is getting smaller how come they raised the postal rates?
We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.
If you have twenty things to do in a day and nineteen of them go well, which one do you talk about over dinner?
Half the people on the road should be pulled over by the police, the other half by psychiatrists.
Tankruptcy (n): The financial condition resulting from fueling one’s 4X4.
Three things in life are certain. . . . taxes, death,and data loss.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!
The supermarket is where you spend 30 minutes hunting for instant coffee.
Don’t attempt to run from the past, it is always behind you.
Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects.
Let’s have lunch. I can’t afford therapy.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Middle age: when a guy turns off lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.
I think, therefore I’m single
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee-maker.
Mother Nature has joined the insurgents.
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.
Why is it the loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep.
The extra mile isn’t half as long as all those other miles.
Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you’re in hot water.
Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless.
Today everyone wants instant gratification,no matter how long it takes.
They who are afraid to ask are ashamed of learning.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The worst thing about history is that, every time it repeats itself . . . the price goes up.
We want all machines to be perfect, with the exception of the bathroom scale.
It’s easy enough to spot the winners.They’re the ones not complaining about the rules.
A great actor can bring tears to our eyes. But then, so can an auto mechanic.