Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday November 4, 2013.  More Pondering..

1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. How did a fool and his money get together?
4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
5. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
6. What’s another word for thesaurus?
7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
8. What do they use to ship styrofoam?
9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
12. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
17. “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
18. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
21. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
22. Is it possible to be totally partial?
23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
25. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
26. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
27. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
28. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
29. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
30. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
31. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or without clothes?
32. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
33. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
34. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
35. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
36. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
37. If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
“A new study found that 30 percent of Americans admit to getting most of their news on Facebook. You can tell news anchors are trying to compete with Facebook because tonight Brian Williams’ top story was just a picture of his cat.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Another scandal with the National Security Agency, the NSA. You know how they’ve been accused of spying on Americans? Well, it just came out that they actually spied on 35 world leaders. Yeah, it was 34 prime ministers and Oprah.” –Jimmy Fallon
“A new report found that 700 IRS employees owe a combined $5.4 million in back taxes. When IRS workers got the news, they said, ‘Oh man, I hope I don’t find out about this!'” –Jimmy Fallon
“A man in Oregon was arrested for growing marijuana after police used Google Earth to track him down. So if you’re one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks the government is watching you with satellites from space, you were right.” –Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Tom, a furniture dealer from Alabama, decided to Expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to St. Louis to see what he could find.
 
After arriving in St. Louis he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well Back home in Alabama.
 
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bar and have a beer. As he sat enjoying his beer, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat.
 
Before long, a very beautiful young woman came to his table, asked him something in another language (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the Chair. He invited her to sit down.
 
He tried to speak to her, but she did not knew English so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, Tom took a napkin and drew a picture of a beer glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of beer for her.
 
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bar and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was Packing up.
 
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
 
To this day, Tom has no idea how she figured out he was in the Furniture business.
 
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  ‘You must have carnal knowledge — of a *lady*, this time — on the premises.’
 
Answer: Top Gun! Goose (Anthony Edwards) manages to slip in a little joke while explaining the details of the twenty-dollar bet he has just made with Maverick (Tom Cruise). 
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘Hey, I’m a paisan, eh?! What do you want me to do — sweat garlic for you? Cook up a pot of ragu? Sing an opera? Lose a war?’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
On one side of a river are three humans, one big monkey, two small monkeys, and one boat. Each of the humans and the big monkey are strong enough to row the boat. The boat can fit one or two bodies (regardless of size). If at any time at either side of the river the monkeys outnumber the humans, the monkeys will eat the humans. How do you get everyone on the other side of the river alive?
 
ANSWER: Let:
h=human
b=big monkey
s=small monkey
1. Row b and s over ( hhhs / bs )
2. Row b back ( hhhbs / s )
3. Row b and s over ( hhh / bss )
4. Row b back ( hhhb / ss )
5. Row h and h over ( hb / hhss )
6. Row h and s back ( hhbs / hs )
7. Row h and b over ( hs / hhbs )
8. Row h and s back ( hhss / hb )
9. Row h and h over ( ss / hhhb )
10. Row b back ( bss / hhh )
11. Row b and s over ( s / hhhbs )
12. Row b back ( bs / hhhs )
13. Row b and s over ( / hhhbss )
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
“Dis” teaser gives clues that describe words containing “dis” in them. The clues do not refer to the words themselves; rather they refer to the word that must be added to “dis”. For example, “Dis limb is very handy” would be “disarm”.
1. Dis is something you might give to someone you respect.
2. Dis is a shortened version of a male name.
3. You would use dis if you didn’t have enough money on you to make a purchase.
4. Dis 1, dis 2, dis 3, dis 4…
5. Dis is a young, unmarried woman.
6. Dis is what you are trying to do to dis teaser!

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,  

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