**WELCOME to Friday August 2, 2013. ****The Most Innovative Theorems…**

Theorem 1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Theorem 2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

Theorem 3. A crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D.

Theorem 4. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.

Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.

Theorem 5. Napoleon was a poor general.

Proof: Most men have an even number of arias. Napoleon was warned that Wellington would meet him at Waterloo. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. But four arms is certainly an odd number of arms for a man. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Napoleon had an infinite number of arms in his battle against Wellington. Since Napoleon still lost the battle, he must have been a very poor general indeed.

Theorem 6. Death comes to no man.

Proof. As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.

Theorem 7. All governments are unjust.

Proof: To establish the truth of this proposition we need only show it true for an arbitrary government. But by definition, a government that is arbitrary is unjust.

Theorem 8. Christmas = Halloween = Thanksgiving (at least for assembly language programmers).

Proof: By definition, Christmas = Dec. 25; Halloween = Aug. 31; Thanksgiving = Nov. 27, sometimes. Again by definition,

Dec 25 is 25 base 10 or (2 x 10) + (5 x 1) = 25.

Oct 31 is 31 base 8 or (3 x 8) + (1 x 1) = 25.

Nov 27 is 27 base 9 or (2 x 9) + (7 x 1) = 25

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Weekend people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

**QUOTES OF THE DAY**

“The inventor of the world’s first artificial test-tube hamburger said that ‘It looks, feels, and hopefully tastes like meat.’ He was immediately sued by Arby’s for stealing their slogan.” -Conan O’Brien

“I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.” -Craig Ferguson

“A woman in Britain said that her pet goldfish survived for seven hours in the open air outside of his tank, which is a world record � for goldfish torture. In the fish world, that’s known as ‘airboarding.'” -Jimmy Fallon

**G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….**

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”

The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so…They have them aimed at themselves.”

**Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘**How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from??? “I don’t know what’s scarier, losing nuclear weapons, or that it happens so often there’s actually a term for it.

Answer: Broken Arrow! This quote by Whaley (Giles Prentice) takes place during a meeting of military officers and members of the President’s cabinet, as they discuss strategies for recovering two lost nuclear warheads that were stolen by Vic Deakins (John Travolta).

**Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!**‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ” “Did you know that there are four hundred and fifty-two official government cheeses in this country? Don’t you think that’s incredible? To come up with four hundred and fifty-two ways of classifying what is basically a bacterial process?”

**Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….**

In a box you have 13 white marbles and 15 black marbles. You also have 28 black marbles outside the box. Remove two marbles, randomly, from the box. If they are of different colors, put the white one back in the box. If they are the same color, take them out and put a black marble back in the box. Continue this until only one marble remains in the box. What color is the last marble?

ANSWER: The last marble will be WHITE.

Since marbles can only be taken out in pairs and you started off with an odd number of whites there is always going to be one white left over that you’ll keep putting back in the box until it’s left on its own.

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. http://www.Eucman.freedom10.com,

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