Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

 WELCOME to Wednesday, August 31, 2011. You Think English is Easy?

1) The bandage was   wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;

Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  Sometimes I think English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Or have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, or in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That’s why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when lights are out, they are invisible.  Why doesn’t Buick rhyme with ‘quick?

That’s my story and I’m sticking too it! Have a great Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace
I am outta here, Eucman!

q u o t e s o f t h e d a y

“Personally I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.”- Sir Winston Churchill

“You can’t find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.” – Carrie Fisher

“Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.” – Rudyard Kipling

“Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?” –Rodney Dangerfield

We were shopping for clothes when my 13-year-old daughter spotted a hat with “Guinness” written on it. She put it on and
proclaimed, “Look! I’m a genius!”

“Your hair may be brushed, but your mind’s untidy. You’ve had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that
lost sensation. You’re sunk from a riot of relaxation.” –Ogden Nash

G u a r a n t e e d t o R o l l Y o u r E y e s

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. “Can I talk to a real person?” a caller asked. “I am real,” I said. “Oh, I’m sorry,” the caller said. “That was rude of me. What I meant to
say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?”

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Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?What movie is this quote from??? ‘This town need an enema!’ Answer: ‘Batman’. This is one of many fantastic lines that Jack Nicholson had as The Joker.

Wednesdays Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from?? ‘Congratu-fricking-lations.’

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Tuesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 90s -2002, try and identify which song or which artist. And finally where are “I know nothing
of your kind, and I won’t reveal your evil mind,” Answer: “Breath”- Breaking Benjamin. “I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like. Is it over yet, in my head? I know nothing of your kind, and I won’t reveal your evil mind.” “Breath” is from “Phobia”, which was released in 2006. Their other CDs include “Saturate” and “We Are
Not Alone”. The band members are Benjamin Burnley (vocals, guitar), Mark Klepaski (bass), Aaron Fink (guitar), and Chad Szeliga (drums).

Wednesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 90s -2002, try and identify which song or which artist. “Yesterday my life was duller, now
everything’s technicolor”

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Tuesday’s Quizzler is….

Which is the odd one out?  Boundaries, Cancerous, Librarian, Scorpions, Chameleon, Keyboards

Answer: “Keyboards”. All the other words contain names from the 12 signs of the zodiac: bound-Aries, Cancer-ous, Libra-rian, Scorpio-ns, chame-Leo-n

Wednesday’s Quizzler is…

Unscramble these four word jumbles and use the instructions given below them to form the name of a
country which is a jumble of those letters.
1. KERWC. Take the 1st and 2nd letter.
2. LZEA. Take the 1st, 2nd and the 4th letter.
3. KURNT. Take the 1st and the 4th letter.
4. IASB. Take the 2nd and 3rd letter.
5. SUKD. Take the 1st and 3rd letter.

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS!  BRILLIANT SOLVING JOB
BANKS!

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Answers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to
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Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Tuesday, August 30, 2011.   Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

  1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
  2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the  bathroom.
  3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn’t return, send the others to see what’s taking him so long.
  4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
  5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then  remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
  6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
  7. Tell the negotiator that you’d rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
  8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
  9. Forget your gun at home.
  10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a “meanie”.
  11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

  1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
  2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, “It all you you you! What about my needs?!”
  3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you’d like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
  4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.
  5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone “La la la la!  I can’t hear you!”
  6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
  7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
  8. Tell the hostage taker you think it’d be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
  9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
  10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, “You’re never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking too it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

q u o t e s o f t h e d a y

“Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” –Rita Rudner

“You don’t know what humiliation is until you’ve shown up on your first day of junior high in moon boots and a snow suit that your mother got on sale during the summer. I looked like a demented astronaut.” -Drew Carey

“When you get married and have a kid, you can’t do all those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist of seventeen or eighteen… like kill yourself.” -Al Rae

G u a r a n t e e d t o R o l l Y o u r E y e s

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” The husband replied, “They had eggs.”
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Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? ‘Chief I can’t tell if he’s really smart or really dumb.’ Answer: ‘Jaws’. Quint said this to Chief Brody once he has the shark on the line.

Tuesdays Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from?? ‘This town need an enema!’

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Monday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 90s -2002, try and identify which song or which artist. “My candle shines without a doubt, but
the wind in your wings blows them out.” Answer: “Not An Angel”- City Sleeps. “My candle shines at night time through the dark. But my darling you have fallen and don’t belong. My candle shines without a doubt, but the wind in your wings blows them out.” This song if off “Not An Angel”. City Sleeps is from Atlanta, Georgia. The band has five members: Elliot Marsh Sharp (vocals), Brad Allen (bass), Adriel Garcia (guitar), Steve Miloszewski (guitar), and John Whitney (drums).

Tuesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 90s -2002, try and identify which song or which artist. And finally where are “I know nothing of your kind, and I won’t reveal your evil mind,”

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Monday’s Quizzler is….

Below are ten clues, each of which relates to the first line of a different Christmas carol or song. Unlike the title of the teaser, these clues
only have the first letters of each of the words.  Can you figure out what songs they are?

1. CROAOF, 2. IDOAWC, 3. RTRNRHAVSN, 4. GGROBAR, 5. IHABCWY, 6. ISMKSC, 7.
OTFDOCMTLGTM, 8. FTSWAJHS, 9. IBMBOJHSSOM, 10. JBJBJBR

Answer: 1. A Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…)
2. White Christmas (I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…)
3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose…)
4. Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (Grandma got run over by a reindeer…)
5. Blue Christmas (I’ll have a blue Christmas without you…)
6. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus…)
7. The 12 Days of Christmas (On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…)
8. Frosty, the Snowman (Frosty, the snowman, was a jolly, happy soul…)
9. I’m Gettin’ Nothin’ for Christmas (I broke my bat on Johnny’s head, somebody snitched on me…)
10. Jingle Bell Rock (Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock…)

Tuesday’s Quizzler is…

Which is the odd one out?
Boundaries
Cancerous
Librarian
Scorpions
Chameleon
Keyboards

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Answers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to
receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Monday, August 29, 2011. Ponderings………

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left

That’s my story and I’m sticking too it! Have a happy Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH
IT UP! Peace I am outta here! Eucman

q u o t e s o f t h e d a y

“A friend is someone who’s there when he needs you” – Anon

“Committee- a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.” – M. Berle

“I’m gonna live forever, or die trying.”- Joseph Heller (Catch 22)

“Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.”- Hubert Humphrey

“Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do.” Ronald Reagan

“Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder”- Anon 

Spit happens (on a baby’s bib)

“I am nobody, Nobody is perfect, Therefore, I must be perfect!” – Anon

“Some people say that one’s personality is reflected off of their car… Well, I have no car.” – Anon 

G u a r a n t e e d t o R o l l Y o u r E y e s

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.  As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t
swim.”

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Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from??? ‘Don’t you know a kid always wins against two idiots?’ Answer: ‘Home Alone 2’! This one should have been fairly easy. Kevin said this to the two bumbling burglars.

Mondays Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from?? ‘Chief I can’t tell if he’s really smart or really dumb.’

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Friday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 90s -2002, try and identify which song or which artist. “We are the very hurt you sold. And
what’s the worst you take from every heart you break?” Answer: “Helena”- My Chemical Romance. “We are the very hurt you sold. And what’s the worst you take from
every heart you break. And like the blade you stain, Well I’ve been holding on tonight.” This song is from the CD “Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge”. My Chemical Romance’s other CDs include “I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love” and “The Black Parade”.

Monday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 90s -2002, try and identify which song or which artist. “My candle shines without a doubt, but
the wind in your wings blows them out.”

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Friday’s Quizzler is….

As you are reading this message, you will notice some spelling errors. Do not be frigtened, however. This is how you must anelyze: First, find al of the missing, repeated, or incorrect letters.  Second, alow yurself to look at these and look at the wword that is represinted. Finally, tell me a numbur that most commonnly is associated with the word.
Good luck.

Answer: Missing,
Repeated, and Incorrect Letters: H-A-L-L-O-W-E-E-N
Word: Halloween. Number: 31 (Halloween is the 31st of October)

Monday’s Quizzler is…

Below are ten clues, each of which relates to the first line of a different Christmas carol or song. Unlike the title of the teaser, these clues only have the first letters of each
of the words.  Can you figure out what songs they are?

1. CROAOF

2. IDOAWC

3. RTRNRHAVSN

4. GGROBAR

5. IHABCWY

6. ISMKSC

7. OTFDOCMTLGTM

8. FTSWAJHS

9. IBMBOJHSSOM

10. JBJBJBR

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Answers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this
email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/