Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

WELCOME to Wednesday, December 29, 2010. …. New Years Resolutions You Can Keep ———–

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Read less. Makes you think.

Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Get in a whole NEW rut!

Personal goal: bring back disco.

Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

Get further in debt.

Break at least one traffic law.

Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

Associate with even worse business clients.

Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

Wait around for opportunity.

Focus on the faults of others.

Mope about my faults.

Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Hey I’m just saying! Have a wonderful Wednesday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here!

q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

“Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal.” – Mike Ditka

“This is like deja vu all over again.” – Yogi Berra

“A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over,
there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious.” –George Carlin

“When I was a kid getting to borrow the car was a big deal.
Before he handed over the keys, my dad always gave me a
lecture. ‘Now I’m not giving you this car so you can screw it up.’ Well, I said to myself, then I don’t want it.” –Louie Anderson

“You can’t believe how much hard work it is to con people into thinking that you’re productive when you’re unemployed. Always thinking up things to tell them you’re going to do tomorrow, having to exaggerate every minute of your nowhere day…it’s worse than having a job. At least when you’re employed, when people ask about your day you can tell them to shut up and mind their own business.” –Drew Carey

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes.

En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. “Excuse me. That can’t be on during the flight,” I reminded her. “Besides, we’re over the ocean—you won’t get a signal out here.” “That’s okay,” she said. “I’m just calling my daughter. She’s sitting up in first class.”
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Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? Great. I’m about to be killed a million miles from nowhere with some gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax!’

Answer: The Last Starfighter! Alex Rogan (Lance Guest) complains about the fact that his reptilian compatriot Grig (Dan O’Herlihy) doesn’t seem to share his apprehension about being aboard the sole fighter craft destined to take on numerous enemy force.

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? ‘I hate Illinois Nazis.’
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Tuesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008, try and identify which song or which artist.” “If I were a boy, even just for a day, I’d roll out of bed in the morning and throw on what I wanted and go”

Answer: “If I Were a Boy” – Beyonce! The song “If I Were a Boy” is from Beyonce’s album “I Am” This song was released in the United States on October 8, 2008.

Wednesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008 try and identify which song or which artist.” “Every time you kiss me, kiss me like you’ll never see me again. Every time you touch me”
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Tuesday’s Quizzler is..

What do these groups of words have in common?

1. Man true, hairy
2. Son nick, yard rich
3. Son will, row wood
4. Grant, us list you
5. More fill, lard mill
6. Ding hard, wren war

ANSWER: If you read the words in each group from right to left, each group sounds out the name of a US President, with commas separating the first and last names.

1. Harry Tru-man
2. Rich-ard Nix-on
3. Wood-row Wil-son
4. U-lyss-es Grant
5. Mil-lard Fill-more
6. War-ren Har-ding

Wednesday’s Quizzler is…  

Once again, the Booker Prize panel are sitting. And again an excerpt from a book has some key words missing.
Can you fill in the blanks so the story makes sense and also spot the connection between them?

Mr. Ix was speeding through the streets of Wimbledon, when he was pulled over by a police officer.
“It isn’t my ____!” wailed Mr. Ix noisily.
“It ____ you right,” replied the officer.
“Will it come to ____?” Ix inquired.
“If you keep up this ____ it will,” the officer replied severely.
“It is not as if I gained any ____,” Ix said ____edly.
“I would ____ to ____ you off with a caution,” admitted the officer, “but I can’t allow you through the ____ on this one,” he continued.

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Answers in THURSDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

 WELCOME to Tuesday, December 28, 2010. HEY….

Hey, since we’re now living in the time of e-mail (and blogs and texts and Tweets) and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen’s Engerlish:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

11. Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don’t use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Hey I’m just saying! Have a great Tuesday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here!

q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

“A new study found that women’s faces age and wrinkle just like their mothers. The study was conducted by the American
Society of Wrong Things to Say to Your Wife.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Archeologists in Egypt now say it’s not true that the pyramids were built by slaves. They say the pyramids were built by paid workers. You know how they financed it? A pyramid scheme.” -Jay Leno

“Some scholars of ancient Hebrew are now suggesting that
certain portions of the Bible could have been written centuries earlier than others. The scholars say they know this because the newer portions all begin, ‘Previously, on ‘The Bible.'” -Conan O’Brien

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes.

Tarzan and Jane were expecting their fourth child and were pretty strapped for cash, so Tarzan decided to go into the used-crocodile business. Monday morning he got up early, shaved, put on his best loin cloth, swung down to the river, and spent the whole day fighting, haggling over and hassling with cranky crocs. As dusk fell, a wan Tarzan swung back to the treehouse and demanded, “Quick, Jane, a martini!” Tossing it back he barked, “Another, Jane, on the double!” Gulping it down, he held out his glass again. “One more, Jane.” “Aw, honey, don’t you think you’re overdoing it a bit?” she chided gently. “You don’t understand, Jane… it’s a jungle out there.” _______________________________________________________

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? ‘If you overcook it, it’s no good. It defeats its own purpose.’

Answer: Just One of the Guys! Terry (Joyce Hyser) has embarked upon a mission to pass herself off as a boy at a new school in order to write an award-winning article. This line, spoken by her brother Buddy (Billy Jayne) addresses Terry’s general confusion after she falls in love with a boy at said school.

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? Great. I’m about to be killed a million miles from nowhere with some gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax!’
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Monday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008, try and identify which song or which artist.” “Mistakes we have made everything will change but love remains the same”

Answer: “Love Remains The Same” – Gavin Rossdale. The song “Love Remains the Same” is from his 2008 album “Wanderlust”. This song was released on May 1, 2008.

Tuesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008 try and identify which song or which artist.” “If I were a boy, even just for a day, I’d roll out of bed in the morning and throw on what I wanted and go”
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Monday’s Quizzler is..

A Group: ENAN, HIRS, OILE, AUGH

B Group: RALE, MAER, TAOO, MIEN

According to the logic, correctly sort ARGE, KELE, and URRE.

ANSWER: ARGE and URRE go in the A Group, while KELE goes in the B Group.

Add a T to the beginning and the end of the A Group to get:
TENANT, THIRST, TOILET, TAUGHT, TEAPOT, TARGET, TURRET

Put two T’s in the dead center of the B Group to get:
RATTLE, MATTER, TATTOO, MITTEN, KETTLE

Tuesday’s Quizzler is…  

What do these groups of words have in common?

1. Man true, hairy
2. Son nick, yard rich
3. Son will, row wood
4. Grant, us list you
5. More fill, lard mill
6. Ding hard, wren war

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Answers in WEDESDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

WELCOME to Monday, December 27, 2010. Bumper Stickers….

My karma ran over your dogma.

I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!

A fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.

I’m not driving fast-just flying low.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

“I is a college student.”

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.

My wife said “If you go hunting or fishing one more time I’m going to leave you” …I’m sure going to miss her.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Today’s subliminal message is: ( )

Hey I’m just saying! Have a great Monday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here!

q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

All generalizations are bad. R.H. Grenier

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. Tom Waits, Small Change

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P.J. O’Rourke

How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission? Nigel Rees

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and “righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.” Robert Brault.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes.

M&M’s: The Theory of Evolution. Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”
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Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? ‘Of course you’re confused — you’re wearing my underwear.’

Answer: Just One of the Guys! Terry (Joyce Hyser) has embarked upon a mission to pass herself off as a boy at a new school in order to write an award-winning article. This line, spoken by her brother Buddy (Billy Jayne) addresses Terry’s general confusion after she falls in love with a boy at said school.

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? ‘If you overcook it, it’s no good. It defeats its own purpose.’
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Friday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008, try and identify which song or which artist.” 100 – “(You) You say I’m crazy, (You) I got you crazy, (You) You’re nothing but a (You) womanizer”

Answer: “Womanizer” – Britney Spears! “Womanizer” by Britney Spears is on her sixth studio album “Circus”. The song was released to the United States on September 26, 2008.

Monday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008 try and identify which song or which artist.” “Mistakes we have made everything will change but love remains the same”
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Friday’s Quizzler is..

Can you find 13 animals in this rather curious poem?

A person, as simple we are.
Catch the kid o’er the bridge.
Follow the chief, oxtail soup we like.
Anagram ANPI gives us PAIN, cower under a ridge.

ANSWER: Ape, ass, ewe, cat, kid, doe, fox, ox, nag, man, pig, cow, ram.

Monday’s Quizzler is…  

A Group:
ENAN
HIRS
OILE
AUGH

B Group:
RALE
MAER
TAOO
MIEN

According to the logic, correctly sort ARGE, KELE, and URRE.

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Answers in TUESDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

 WELCOME to Friday, December 24, 2010. Gift-wrapping Tips for Men….

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it’s myrrh.

* The editors of Woman’s Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you’re giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning

Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

You: It’s a gift! See? It has a bow!

Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It’s a leaf blower.

You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

Your wife: I want a divorce.

You: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Hey I’m just saying! Have a great CHRISTMAS WEEKEND and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here!

q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

“Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is
purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent
of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week
after Christmas.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s only a few days left to finish your Christmas
shopping. Or as most guys look at it, ‘There’s still a few
days left to start my Christmas shopping.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s a fun fact: You know how much Christmas wrapping
paper is on the average roll? Four inches less than you
need.” -Jay Leno

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes.

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was “just up ahead.” One year I snapped. “Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn’t exist. It’s like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn’t dead, doesn’t have too many bald spots and is straight.”
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Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? ‘If I find out you’re lyin’ to me, I’m gonna come back and kill you in your own kitchen.’

Answer: Above the Law! Nico Toscani (Steven Seagal) uses this threat on a small-time Chicago crimelord.

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? ‘Of course you’re confused — you’re wearing my underwear.’
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Thursday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008, try and identify which song or which artist.” “I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick”

Answer: I Kissed A Girl! “I Kissed A Girl” had a meteoric life on the Billboard Hot 100. After debuting at number 76, the song reached number one in its seventh week on June 29th, 2008. It reigned supreme most of the summer and wound up in the top ten for 14 weeks and on the Hot 100 for a total of 23 weeks. The catchy tune lit up the charts in Europe where it hit number one all over including Sweden, Italy, Germany, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom, just to name a few. It was the first single from Katy Perry’s album “One For The Boys” and it was certified as a platinum-selling single in the United States, Australia and New Zealand and went gold in the U.K.

Friday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008 try and identify which song or which artist.”
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Thursday’s Quizzler is..

Given below are five pairs of words. Each pair sounds similar, but have different meanings (they are homonyms). Can you find them?

Lift high – Bring down, destroy
Plant with ears – Labyrinth
Burial/Cremation formalities – Uses a pen and paper and forms legible words
To communicate with God – Carnivore’s target
Watery part of milk that separates when milk turns to curds – The route or the course traveled from one place to another

ANSWER:
Raise – Raze
Maize – Maze
Rites – Writes
Pray – Prey
Whey – Way

Friday’s Quizzler is…  

Can you find 13 animals in this rather curious poem?

A person, as simple we are.
Catch the kid o’er the bridge.
Follow the chief, oxtail soup we like.
Anagram ANPI gives us PAIN, cower under a ridge.

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! WAY2GO BANKS!

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Answers in MONDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

WELCOME to Wednesday, December 21, 2010. Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa Claus ———-

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave a nother plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :(”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.

Hey I’m just saying! Have a great Wednesday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here!

q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

“Great. I just beat up Santa Claus.” – Denis Leary as Gus in “The Ref”

“I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred
shot range model air rifle!”
– Peter Billingsley as Ralphie in “A Christmas Story”

Apple is working on new 3-D technology that can be seen
without special glasses. But it’s not ready yet, so if you
want to experience 3-D without having to wear 3-D glasses,
you have to go outside and look at something.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Scientists in California are developing a high-tech device
that will tell obese people if they are eating too much and
not exercising enough. That device is called ‘a scale.'”
-Conan O’Brien

“A man in Sicily had himself arrested so he wouldn’t have
to spend the holidays with his relatives. How many guys are
going, ‘Why didn’t we think of that?'” -Jay Leno

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes.

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. “You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old. “Don’t worry. Santa will never know.” He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?”
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Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? ‘Print is dead.’

Answer: Ghostbusters! This is Egon Spengler’s (Harold Ramis) response to Janine (Annie Potts) when she suspects aloud that he ‘reads a lot’.

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? ‘If I find out you’re lyin’ to me, I’m gonna come back and kill you in your own kitchen.’
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Tuesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008, try and identify which song or which artist.” “For some reason I can’t explain, I know St. Peter won’t call my name”

Answer: Viva La Vida! Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” hit number one in the United States on June 28th, 2008 and spent over 50 weeks on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart. The song also reached number one on several other Billboard charts including the Adult Top 40 and Modern Rock charts. Found on a large number of critics’ lists of the best of the year, “Viva La Vida” was the first number one song by a British artist in America in over ten years, back when the Spice Girls reached the top with “Wannabe”. “Viva La Vida” was successful all across the world reaching the top in the Netherlands and the United Kingdom and hitting the top ten in over a dozen other countries. The song placed at number 13 in Billboard’s ranking of the top hits of 2008.

Wednesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008 try and identify which song or which artist.” “I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick”
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Tuesday’s Quizzler is..

For each of the following word pairs, you are looking for two word answer, the first is a rhyme of the first word and gives the category. The second word is a rhyme and is a specific word in that category. For example, “Kitty, Tennis” translates to “City, Venice”.

1. Varmint, Packet
2. Duller, Fellow
3. Speaker, Spiky
4. Funny, Scholar
5. Petal, Shopper
6. Foxer, Bison
7. Fetal, Bingo

ANSWER: 1. Garment, Jacket
2. Color, Yellow
3. Sneaker, Nike
4. Money, Dollar
5. Metal, Copper
6. Boxer, Tyson
7. Beatle, Ringo

Wednesday’s Quizzler is…  

Given below are five pairs of words. Each pair sounds similar, but have different meanings (they are homonyms). Can you find them?

Lift high – Bring down, destroy
Plant with ears – Labyrinth
Burial/Cremation formalities – Uses a pen and paper and forms legible words
To communicate with God – Carnivore’s target
Watery part of milk that separates when milk turns to curds – The route or the course traveled from one place to another

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Answers in THURSDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

 WELCOME to Tuesday, December 21, 2010. Short Reindeer Jokes…..

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?
Because they are both tail bearers !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don’t feed it !

Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !

How long should a reindeer’s legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn’t want to be recognised !

Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !

Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

Hey I’m just saying! Have a great Tuesday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here!

q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

“President Obama said on a radio show this morning that he
and Michelle decided several years ago not to exchange
Christmas presents. My wife and I made the same decision
a few years ago and let me tell you, it’s a trap, Obama!
Don’t fall for it.” -Jimmy Fallon

“I grew up in New England, and Christmas is different here
in Los Angeles. Last night, carolers came to my door.
Which was nice, but then I realized they were lip-syncing.”
-Jay Leno

“A new study shows that California has the dirtiest tap
water in the country. California officials insist that the
dirty water is fine as long as you chew it thoroughly.”
-Conan O’Brien

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes.

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her, “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I’ll fix it for you.” About ten minutes later she showed up at his door… with the electrical cord in her right hand.
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Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? ‘I hate you more! If hate were people…I’d be China!’

Answer: City Slickers! Phil Berquist (Daniel Stern) comes up with a great zinger to end his screaming match with his soon-to-be-ex-wife at the 39th birthday party of his friend Mitch (Billy Crystal).

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? ‘Print is dead.’
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Monday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008, try and identify which song or which artist.” “Shawty had them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur”

Answer: Low! “Low” by Flo Rida featuring T-Pain started low on the charts when it debuted at number 91 at the end of 2007. It hit number one on January 5th, 2008 and spent ten straight weeks in the penthouse. During its forty week run in the Hot 100, the song remained in the top ten for 23 weeks and in the top forty for 34 weeks. As the first song from Flo Rida’s debut album “Mail On Sunday”, “Low” became a worldwide hit reaching the top in Australia, Ireland, Canada and New Zealand. As of 2009, “Low” is the best selling digitally-downloaded song of all time, having been downloaded nearly five million times.

Tuesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008 try and identify which song or which artist.” “For some reason I can’t explain, I know St. Peter won’t call my name”

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Monday’s Quizzler is..

Can you uncover what each group of three has in common?

1. doughnut
notebook
golf course

2. turtle
peanut
oyster

3. brown
polar
Kodiak

4. cough
tear
rain

5. soap
granola
candy

ANSWER: 1. They all have holes
2. They all have shells
3. They are all kinds of bears
4. They are all kinds of drops
5. They are all kinds of bars

Tuesday’s Quizzler is…  

For each of the following word pairs, you are looking for two word answer, the first is a rhyme of the first word and gives the category. The second word is a rhyme and is a specific word in that category. For example, “Kitty, Tennis” translates to “City, Venice”.

1. Varmint, Packet
2. Duller, Fellow
3. Speaker, Spiky
4. Funny, Scholar
5. Petal, Shopper
6. Foxer, Bison
7. Fetal, Bingo

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS FOR SOLVING THE QUIZZLER OF THE DAY! GREAT JOB ANDREA!

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 Answers in WEDNESDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏

WELCOME to Monday, December 20, 2010. Question and Answer Christmas Jokes…..

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What’s the most popular wine at Christmas?

A: “I don’t like sprouts” !

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missletoe!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

A: Ribbon hood.

Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?

A: Because it’s to far to walk.

Q: What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?

A: Forty feet of track – all straight!

Q: What kind of bird can write?

A: A PENguin.

Q: How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?

A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?

A: Sandy Claus!

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

A: Fleece Navidad!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

Q: Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage?

A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Hey I’m just saying! Have a great Monday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here!

q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y

I’d rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.

Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. — Thomas Jones

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. — Abba Eban

Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.

Power means not having to respond.

I’d rather be pissed off than pissed on.

The future isn’t what it used to be.

You got to be careful if you dont know where your’e going, because you might not get there. — Yogi Berra

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes.

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus’s sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, “Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I’ll certify you to fly.” Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he’s starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. “Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?” Santa yells. The inspector says, “Well, Santa, I’m really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff.” _______________________________________________________

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? ‘There are two hundred and fifteen bones in the human body. That’s *one*.’

Answer: Terminator 2: Judgment Day! Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton) talks as tough as she acts, after breaking the arm of her psychiatrist, Dr. Silberman (Earl Boen). Unfortunately, her (or, to be fair, writer-director James Cameron’s) knowledge of anatomy is a little off: there are actually 206 bones in the human body, not 215. Oops.

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? ‘I hate you more! If hate were people…I’d be China!’
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Friday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008, try and identify which song or which artist.” “My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closing”

Answer: Bleeding Love! “Bleeding Love” debuted at number 85 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart of March 1st, 2009. Six weeks later, it zoomed to number one and spent a total of four non-consecutive weeks there. It remained in the top ten for twenty weeks, the top 40 for 33 weeks and a total of 39 weeks on the Hot 100. The song found its way to number one on Billboard’s Hot Adult Contemporary Tracks Chart and sold over 3 million digital downloads in the United States alone. In Billboard’s yearend countdown, “Bleeding Love” was ranked number two and at the 51st Grammy Awards it was up for “Record of the Year”. Quite an impressive feat for her debut American hit!

Monday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008 try and identify which song or which artist.” “Shawty had them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur”
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Friday’s Quizzler is..

Delete a letter from the words below and then add a 3-letter word to it (doesn’t matter where) to form a new word that matches each clue in the ( ).

1. Cart (a vegetable)
2. Fling (a sport since the stone age)
3. Kits (cute and adorable when little)
4. Surf (you are doing one right now)
5. Gum (a place to talk about stuff)

ANSWER: 1. Carrot (delete ‘t’ and add ‘rot’)
2. Bowling (delete ‘f’ and add ‘bow’)
3. Kitten (delete ‘s’ and add ‘ten’)
4. Teaser (delete ‘f’ and add ‘tea’)
5. Forum (delete ‘g’ and add ‘for’)

Friday’s Quizzler is…  

Can you uncover what each group of three has in common?

1. doughnut
notebook
golf course

2. turtle
peanut
oyster

3. brown
polar
Kodiak

4. cough
tear
rain

5. soap
granola
candy

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS AND SWEETJAZZ5 FOR SOLVING THE QUIZZLER OF THE DAY! GREAT JOB LADIES!

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Answers in TUESDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ eucstraman@hotmail.com. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/