Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Personal goal: bring back disco.
Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
Get further in debt.
Break at least one traffic law.
Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
Associate with even worse business clients.
Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about my faults.
Never make New Year’s resolutions again.
Hey I’m just saying! Have a wonderful Wednesday and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here!
q u o t e s . o f . t h e . d a y
“Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal.” – Mike Ditka
“This is like deja vu all over again.” – Yogi Berra
“A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over,
there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
“I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious.” –George Carlin
“When I was a kid getting to borrow the car was a big deal.
Before he handed over the keys, my dad always gave me a
lecture. ‘Now I’m not giving you this car so you can screw it up.’ Well, I said to myself, then I don’t want it.” –Louie Anderson
“You can’t believe how much hard work it is to con people into thinking that you’re productive when you’re unemployed. Always thinking up things to tell them you’re going to do tomorrow, having to exaggerate every minute of your nowhere day…it’s worse than having a job. At least when you’re employed, when people ask about your day you can tell them to shut up and mind their own business.” –Drew Carey
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes.
En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. “Excuse me. That can’t be on during the flight,” I reminded her. “Besides, we’re over the ocean—you won’t get a signal out here.” “That’s okay,” she said. “I’m just calling my daughter. She’s sitting up in first class.”
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? ‘Great. I’m about to be killed a million miles from nowhere with some gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax!’
Answer: The Last Starfighter! Alex Rogan (Lance Guest) complains about the fact that his reptilian compatriot Grig (Dan O’Herlihy) doesn’t seem to share his apprehension about being aboard the sole fighter craft destined to take on numerous enemy force.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? ‘I hate Illinois Nazis.’
Tuesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008, try and identify which song or which artist.” “If I were a boy, even just for a day, I’d roll out of bed in the morning and throw on what I wanted and go”
Answer: “If I Were a Boy” – Beyonce! The song “If I Were a Boy” is from Beyonce’s album “I Am” This song was released in the United States on October 8, 2008.
Wednesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2008 try and identify which song or which artist.” “Every time you kiss me, kiss me like you’ll never see me again. Every time you touch me”
Tuesday’s Quizzler is..
What do these groups of words have in common?
1. Man true, hairy
2. Son nick, yard rich
3. Son will, row wood
4. Grant, us list you
5. More fill, lard mill
6. Ding hard, wren war
ANSWER: If you read the words in each group from right to left, each group sounds out the name of a US President, with commas separating the first and last names.
1. Harry Tru-man
2. Rich-ard Nix-on
3. Wood-row Wil-son
4. U-lyss-es Grant
5. Mil-lard Fill-more
6. War-ren Har-ding
Wednesday’s Quizzler is…
Once again, the Booker Prize panel are sitting. And again an excerpt from a book has some key words missing.
Can you fill in the blanks so the story makes sense and also spot the connection between them?
Mr. Ix was speeding through the streets of Wimbledon, when he was pulled over by a police officer.
“It isn’t my ____!” wailed Mr. Ix noisily.
“It ____ you right,” replied the officer.
“Will it come to ____?” Ix inquired.
“If you keep up this ____ it will,” the officer replied severely.
“It is not as if I gained any ____,” Ix said ____edly.
“I would ____ to ____ you off with a caution,” admitted the officer, “but I can’t allow you through the ____ on this one,” he continued.
Answers in THURSDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman @ firstname.lastname@example.org. YOU CAN ALSO CHECK OUT THE EUCMAN’S DAILY BLOG ONLINE@ https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/