Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

birthday_bingoWELCOME to Wednesday, June 28, 2017.                          
Here’s the story…. 
Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things:
1. There’s a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don’t have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez’s 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.
After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, “Shouldn’t we be getting back? It’d be awfully embarrassing if we were late.”
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, “Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor’s score. When he gets down to there, Milton’s going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.”
So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor’s face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all…
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
and the score was tied.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“What people say you cannot do, you try and find that you can.”
–Henry David Thoreau
“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.”
–Thomas Jefferson
“You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.”
–Wayne Gretzky
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and going to get married.
He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”
“I don’t like her.” 😎
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book when shouldn’t it be the other way around?’
ANSWER: You’ve Got Mail! Kathleen Kelly types this in an email to NY152. She is about to close down her bookstore and is searching for the strength to follow a new path.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘This compulsive fornicator is taking my father for the proverbial ‘ride’.’
 
 
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. 
A Name Train is a puzzle where each name is connected together like box cars in a train. You are given the first car (the Engine) and the last car (the caboose), and you have to fill in the car or cars in between. Every two consecutive cars will form a name of a person or character. Joan [ ] Li. The answer is Joan Jet Li (Joan Jet-Female singer, Jet Li-Actor) Ready? OK here goes:
1. Matthew [ ] Mason
2. Bruce [ ] Majors
3. Larry [ ] [ ] Fonda
4. Ashley [ ] [ ] Mandela
5. Rick [ ] [ ] [ ] Luther
ANSWER:  1. Matthew Perry Mason
2. Bruce Lee Majors
3. Larry King Henry Fonda
4. Ashley Judd Nelson Mandela
5. Rick James Dean Martin Luther  
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….   
Which letter comes next in the following sequence?

S, H, E, R, A, W, E, B, __

 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, June 27, 2017.                          
More Punography……
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went; then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
I dropped out of socialism class because of lousy Marx.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Why is 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When chemists die, they barium.
Velcro! What a rip off!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise!” -Seth Meyers
“Goodwill has returned almost $100,000 in cash that was mistakenly donated to them in a black duffel bag. A spokesman for Goodwill said, ‘We’re not very bright.'” -Conan O’Brien
“A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.” -Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Back during the days of the former Soviet Union, a fellow by the name of Gerald Chattington had a friend in the Soviet Embassy by the name of Rudolph Nosov, who would drop by occasionally. One evening, Gerald and his wife, Peg, were sitting in the kitchen chatting when Gerald looked out the window and said, “Look, it’s snowing.” Rudolph looked out and said very quickly, “No, I think it is just rain.” “I’m sure it is snow,” insisted Gerald. “And I am just as sure that it is rain,” said Rudolph. At this point Gerald turned to Peg to settle the argument. Peg looked out the window for a moment, then said, “What can I say? Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear.”😎
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Fifty bucks, Grandpa. For seventy five the wife can watch.’
ANSWER: Pretty Woman! Kit Deluca says this while waiting at the hotel registration desk.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book when shouldn’t it be the other way around?’
 
 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is………. 
When Question Mark unlocked the door, he thought that he would see his wallet straight away. But Skid Mark (Question’s brother) decided to put the wallet in a safe. The combination is three 2-digit numbers which can be expressed like this: xx-xx-xx
You are given the following clues to work out the combination:
The total of the three numbers is 39.
The second number is half of the third number.
The first number is the third number minus 1.
Can you find Question’s wallet in time? It’s all up to you.
ANSWER:  The combination is 15-08-16. Thank you for helping Question get his wallet back.
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….   
A Name Train is a puzzle where each name is connected together like box cars in a train. You are given the first car (the Engine) and the last car (the caboose), and you have to fill in the car or cars in between. Every two consecutive cars will form a name of a person or character. Joan [ ] Li. The answer is Joan Jet Li (Joan Jet-Female singer, Jet Li-Actor) Ready? OK here goes:
1. Matthew [ ] Mason
2. Bruce [ ] Majors
3. Larry [ ] [ ] Fonda
4. Ashley [ ] [ ] Mandela
5. Rick [ ] [ ] [ ] Luther
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, June 26, 2017.                          
Monday’s Punography……
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen the mall.
Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“A study has confirmed that eating less increases your lifespan. The study goes on to advise the residents of Wisconsin to get their affairs in order.” -Conan O’Brien
“Summer officially begins tonight. So if you’re wondering why your kids stopped going to school, that’s probably the reason.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“A company has developed a smart duvet, which can control a person’s body temperature. The way it works is, when you get hot you kick it off.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. A stunned patron then asks the waiter, “What was that all about?” The waiter responded, “That’s just the way pandas are,” and walked away. Well, the patron didn’t know what a panda was, so at home that night he looks up “panda” in the dictionary and what he finds explained everything: “Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves.”😐
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Let’s look at this from a standpoint of status. What do we got on the space craft that’s good?’
ANSWER: Apollo 13! The flight director says this when it seems all systems have failed. 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘Fifty bucks, Grandpa. For seventy five the wife can watch.’
 
 
 
Friday’s Quizzler is………. 
In this teaser you are to try and discover the quotation concealed in the lines.
The quote has been broken up into two-letter fragments. Furthermore, I have
removed any punctuation and jumbled the two-letter fragments about so the word
order has been disarranged. You have to rearrange the quotation and decide where
the words begin and where they end. Good luck!
he fo ay od if et ve pl on of mu si cb lo
ANSWER: A leader is a dealer in hope. Napoleon Bonaparte
Monday’s Quizzler is……….   
When Question Mark unlocked the door, he thought that he would see his wallet straight away. But Skid Mark (Question’s brother) decided to put the wallet in a safe. The combination is three 2-digit numbers which can be expressed like this:
xx-xx-xx
You are given the following clues to work out the combination:
The total of the three numbers is 39.
The second number is half of the third number.
The first number is the third number minus 1.
Can you find Question’s wallet in time? It’s all up to you.
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Friday, June 23, 2017.                          
Weekend Thoughts on Aging…..(or U no U old when.) 
You start singing along with the elevator music.
You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
Your car has four doors.
You routinely check the oil in your car.
You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve gone back into style – TWICE.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
8 AM is your idea of “sleeping in”.
You don’t remember when you got that mole or the one next to it.
You write thank you notes without being told.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”
Others ask for your recipes.
You start Christmas shopping in August.
You paint your apartment walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
You don’t like to drive after dark.
You say the words, “Turn that music down!”
You wear black socks with sandals.
You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
You point out what buildings used to be where.
You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
You rake the yard without being told to.
You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear “snap, crackle, pop” and you’re not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“Father’s Day cards fit into four major categories: golf, fishing, barbecue, beer.
And beer. And beer. And beer. What kind of message is this? ‘Dad, you are a
potbellied drunk and we’re sending you to rehab after you finish mowing the lawn.’
We need to mix it up a little. Either the cards need to change, or we do.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best
thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties.” -Seth Meyers
“More millennials are looking to get rid of extra piercings and even remove their tattoos.
Researchers say it’s due to a new phenomenon occurring among millennials called turning 30.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out.
When I feel the urge to go out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”😐
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘I suppose you’ll use this drama to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man who comes to this house.’
ANSWER: The Ref! That Lloyd is one crazy character.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
  ‘Let’s look at this from a standpoint of status. What do we got on the space craft that’s good?’
 
 
 
Wednesday’s Quizzler is………. 
What phrase is hidden here?
Genie’s Gift
Skydiving Elvis
ANSWER: Wish upon a falling star. Genie’s Gift = A Wish

Skydiving (falling) Elvis (Star)

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….   
In this teaser you are to try and discover the quotation concealed in the lines.
The quote has been broken up into two-letter fragments. Furthermore, I have
removed any punctuation and jumbled the two-letter fragments about so the word
order has been disarranged. You have to rearrange the quotation and decide where
the words begin and where they end. Good luck!
he fo ay od if et ve pl on of mu si cb lo
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Wednesday, June 21, 2017.                         
Lyrics Misinterpreted by Kids….. 
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don’t you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night.
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. – Groucho Marx
If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
In China, when you’re one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. – Bill Gates
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. – Rabindranath Tagore
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. – Mark Twain
Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished. – Leslie Nielsen
Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. – Eddie Cantor
Gray hair is God’s graffiti. – Bill Cosby
We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. – Winston Churchill
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. – Lily Tomlin
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
God was talking to one of the angels, and said, “I’ve just created this spinning earth, which creates, in a
24 hour period, alternating light and darkness!” The angel said, “What are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.” 😎
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
 ‘Peace, love, dope. Now get the hell out of here.’
ANSWER: Field of Dreams! Terance Mann says this when Ray is trying to kidnap him and take him to a baseball game.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 ‘I suppose you’ll use this drama to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man who comes to this house.’
 
 
 
Tuesday’s Quizzler is………. 
I wear the face of a leader of men. My financial worth is small and my
appearance not impressive, yet my presence is a passport to any country
and society. I have the entree alike to the boudoir and the armed; I
penetrate to royal palaces and to the far corners of the earth. In my
youth I am bright and fresh looking; later, my face is marred and
disfigured and I am cast aside as nothing; but when I am very old I am eagerly sought,
and a safe refuge is provided for me, where I am exhibited to admiring visitors. What am I?
ANSWER: A Postage Stamp
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….   
What phrase is hidden here?
Genie’s Gift
Skydiving Elvis
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Tuesday, June 20, 2017.                      
Worst Country-Western Songs (Part 2) 
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
The Last Word In Lonesome Is “Me”
Do You Love As Good As You Look
I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
Who’s Makin’ Time with the Time Keeper’s Daughter, when the Time Keeper’s Keepin’ Time?
When We Get Back To the Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town)
Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
All I Want From You is Away
My Shoes Keep Walkin’ Back to You
You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
And There was Grandma, Swingin’ on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On
How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?
I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk
You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft
Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You’re Going Against the Grain
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
Don’t Chop Any Wood, Mother, I’m Comin’ in With a Load
If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
Bubba Shot the Jukebox
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
How Can A Whiskey That’s 6 Years Old Whup A Man That’s 33?
They May Put Me In Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza.
The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat.” -Conan O’Brien
“A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it,
‘Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“Scientists said yesterday that the T. rex may have had teeth serrated like a steak knife, which may
have helped it eat meat more efficiently. Experts believe the T. rex evolved the knife-like teeth after
having so much trouble using regular silverware.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Now that I am a senior (citizen, that is) I have everything that I ever wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
– I don’t have to go to school or work.
– I get an allowance every month.
– I have my own pad.
– I don’t have a curfew.
– I have a driver’s license and my own car.
– I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store.
– The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
– And I don’t have acne.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.’
ANSWER: City of Angels! This is the story of Seth (Nicolas Cage), an angel who wanders the
Los Angeles area invisible to humans. As the demise of an individual approaches, he spends time
near them and becomes visible while acting as their traveling companion during their trip to the
great hereafter. His discovery of distraught heart surgeon Maggie (Meg Ryan) inspires him to
forego his immortality and exist on earth with her as a feeling and mortal entity. 
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘Peace, love, dope. Now get the hell out of here.’
 
 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is………. 
There was a man who went to the mall and he bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs
of white socks. Another man who already bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white
socks came back to return his 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. They are both
blind. As they were walking they bumped into each other. All the socks scattered around the
floor, but each pair remained held together by a rubber band. Nobody helped them pick it up
except each other, but in 3 minutes they both put them back altogether. Each man ended up
with the same colors of socks he started with: six red and six white. How is that possible if they are blind?
ANSWER: One man took all the socks and pulled the pairs apart. As he pulled them apart,
he kept one sock for himself and gave the other to the other man so that each man ended
up with the same colors of socks he started with: six red and six white.

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….   
I wear the face of a leader of men. My financial worth is small and my
appearance not impressive, yet my presence is a passport to any country
and society. I have the entree alike to the boudoir and the armed; I
penetrate to royal palaces and to the far corners of the earth. In my
youth I am bright and fresh looking; later, my face is marred and
disfigured and I am cast aside as nothing; but when I am very old I am eagerly sought,
and a safe refuge is provided for me, where I am exhibited to admiring visitors. What am I?
 
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday, June 19, 2017.                      
Steven Wright Jokes…
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I’d put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.
I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “cut it out!”
I’m so hyper (said with a very dull voice).
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.
The judge asked, “what do you plead?” I said, “Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “wish you were here.”
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 
DAILY QUOTES… 
“There is a new version of the Bible that has updated language that’s coming out.
For example, it refers to Jesus’ disciples as ‘wingmen.'” -Conan O’Brien
“A French fashion label is now offering a pair of $570 jeans that come without a butt.
There’s nothing in the butt. I have got to tell you, these jeans are a great way of telling
your friends and coworkers that your father never paid enough attention to you.” -James Corden
“A new study found that many popular oregano brands are really olive leaves and other
leaves falsely labeled as oregano. Or as high school stoners put it, ‘Wait, this still isn’t marijuana?'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I
can send the appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.
After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly,
I asked her, “Do you know what caused the fall?”
“No,” the woman nervously replied. “What?”😐😱😎
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘I never saw you throw that gentleman off the balcony. All I care about is are you happy with your haircut?’
ANSWER: The Rock! This little hair stylist is so funny. Sean Connery is newly released from solitary in a horrible prison.
He’s got long hair and a big bushy beard. The FBI has gotten him released in order to help them. They hire this little guy
to cut Sean Connery’s hair. After he’s finished, one of the FBI guys goes over the balcony, and the hair stylist and Sean end up in an elevator together. 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 ‘Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.’
Friday’s Quizzler is………. 
Logic puzzles require you to think. You will have to be logical in your reasoning.
There are five people. One of them shot and killed one of the other five. Which man is the murderer?
1. Dan ran in the NY City marathon yesterday with one of the innocent men.
2. Mike considered being a farmer before he moved to the city.
3. Jeff is a topnotch computer consultant and wants to install Ben’s new computer next week.
4. The murderer had his leg amputated last month.
5. Ben met Jack for the first time six months ago.
6. Jack has been in seclusion since the crime.
7. Dan used to drink heavily.
8. Ben and Jeff built their last computers together.
9. The murderer is Jack’s brother. They grew up together in Seattle.
ANSWER: 1. Jack is not the murderer, because he is the brother of the murderer. 2. Dan can’t be the murderer since he ran a marathon, and the murderer recently had his leg amputated, and wouldn’t be running a marathon of any magnitude that quickly. 3. Ben is not the murderer if he just met Jack, since Jack and the murderer grew up together. 4. This leaves Jeff and Mike. Since Jeff is still alive (he wants to install a new computer next week, present tense) he must be the murderer. Mike also didn’t grow up with Jack. It has been determined that Jack, Dan and Jeff are all alive. Ben must also be alive since Jeff plans to install Ben’s computer next week. This means that Jeff killed Mike.
 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….   
There was a man who went to the mall and he bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. Another man who already bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks came back to return his 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. They are both blind. As they were walking they bumped into each other. All the socks scattered around the floor, but each pair remained held together by a rubber band. Nobody helped them pick it up except each other, but in 3 minutes they both put them back altogether. Each man ended up with the same colors of socks he started with: six red and six white. How is that possible if they are blind?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. KIM HILLYARD 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙏😎
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/