Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Friday May 17, 2013.  Ponderings….. 

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

 

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

 

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

A fool and his money are soon partying.

 

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

 

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

 

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

 

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

 

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

 

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

 One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you’re carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways — unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.

“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her “the talk.” “Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you are with a boy,” I said. “Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life.” “Don’t worry,” she said. “I don’t plan on ruining my life until I get married.”

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  “There’s two kinds of people in this world: Those who get stomped on and those who do the stomping.

 

Answer: Dirty Work (1998) Set in a small midwest U.S. town, Mitch Weaver (Norm MacDonald) and his best friend Sam McKenna (Artie Lange) are two misfits who “don’t take crap from anyone”, as Sam’s father, Pops McKenna (Jack Warden) taught them. While in school as young kids, they get a bully arrested for (planted) gun possession, and catch a crossing guard/pedophine kiddie-fondler in the act (with glue). As a teenager, Mitch’s single mother dies and he moves in with Sam and his father. Mitch and Sam get revenge against a spiteful meter maid by planting popcorn kernels in her car radiator, and they get revenge against a neighborhood dog that chases them to having them get a German Shepherd dog to have it’s way with the dog that attacks them. 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? Veronica: This may seem like a stupid question…  JD: There are no stupid questions. Veronica: If you inherit five million dollars the same day aliens tell the earth they’re blowing us up in two days, what would you do?  JD: That’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard!

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

 What expression is this?

Dopey

Doc

Wicked Witch R.I.P

Snow White R.I.P

ANSWER:  Too little, too late. 

Two little (Doc and Dopey are two of the seven dwarfs)

Two late (the other two characters from the same film are dead or late)

 

and the title?

 

High Hoe

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

You are the police chief for the city of Trunsville. Your records, all on computer, were deleted by a virus. Fortunately, you have remembered the following:

You have to get the data back before the criminals are released due to the lack of records!

Criminals: Larry, Judith, Dwayne, Nicholas, Marty.

Crime: Murder, assault, thief, robber, rape.

Sentences: 5 years, 10 years, 25 years, life, death.

Here is what you remember:

(1) Larry was the murderer.

(2) Marty got 5 or 10 years.

(3) Neither Nicholas nor Dwayne would ever leave prison alive (all others will)

(4) The lady got 25 years.

(5) Nicholas was not the thief.

(6) The thief got life.

(7) The assaulter got more than 10 years but did not get death.

(8) The rapist gets 5 years.

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   http://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Thursday May 16, 2013.   

[Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if you can catch the goofs.]

 

1. “…an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost courteousness for medical reasons.” (Trenton, N.J.) 

 

2. “[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in the throws of a roster overhaul.” (Vernon, Conn.) 

 

3. “‘It’s pretty exciting,’ according to his material grandmother.” (Potsdam, N.Y.) 

 

4. “The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought home nine metals.” Including the gold? (Trenton, N.J.) 

 

5. “McNabb…exasperated the injury attempting to chase down Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams.” (Trenton, N.J.) 

 

6. “Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and Temperament.” (e-mail) 

 

7. “[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine withdrawls.” Is she from the South? (Sunnyvale, Calif.) 

 

8. “Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and tempting deserts.” Presumably also hot. (Upper Saint Clair, Pa.) 

 

9. “Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot.” (San Jose, CA) 

 

10. “…those who acquaint shopping with charity.” (Simsbury, Conn.) 

 

Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals 5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate 10. equate

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

“A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you on the subway.” -Jimmy Fallon

“There is a big movie out today: ‘The Great Gatsby.’ They should have jazzed up the movie’s title. They should have called it something like ’2 Fast 2 Gatsby.’” -Craig Ferguson

“The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery.” -David Letterman

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned. Susie said, “He was born in a manger.” Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.” Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.” Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?” ”From my Daddy,” said Johnny. “Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, ‘Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?’”

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  In a heart to heart between mother and child – “He’s dead because mommy killed him.” – the mother tells her child this….

 

Answer:  A Nightmare on Elm Street! Nancy’s mom, along with all the other Elm Street parents, burn Freddy alive in his basement to make him pay for killing several neighborhood children. Unfortunately, he comes back in the kids’ dreams and starts killing them off while they sleep. Yeah – thanks a lot, mom!

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? “There’s two kinds of people in this world: Those who get stomped on and those who do the stomping. 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

 You are in a room that is an 8x8x8 perfect cube. There are no windows, or doors (don’t ask me how you got in there!) In the center of the floor there is a 12 inch pipe that is sticking 6 inches out of the floor. In the bottom of the pipe is a ping pong ball with a diameter that is one millimeter smaller than the inner diameter of the pipe. You have a 12 inch piece of string, a match, a magnifying glass, a 6″ ruler and a paper clip. How do you get the ping pong ball out of the hole?

ANSWER: Pee in the hole.

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What expression is this?

Dopey

Doc

Wicked Witch R.I.P

Snow White R.I.P

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   http://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.  

Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Wednesday May 15, 2013.   Management Styles… 

1. MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. “We’ll have to talk” you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

 

2. MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

 

3. MANAGING BY POST-ITS Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their ‘busy’ness by continuously writing on Post-Its while you are talking.

 

4. MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

 

5. MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don’t really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

 

6. MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

 

7. MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

 

8. MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

 

9. MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

 

10. MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

 

11. MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

 

12. MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

 

13. MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older ‘OPEN DOOR’ management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

 

14. MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

 

15. MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

 

16. BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ). 

 

17. MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

 

18. MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

 

19. MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

 

20. MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.”

–Victor Borge

“How beggarly appear arguments before a defiant deed!”

–Walt Whitman

“Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.”

–Carol Burnett

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.  ”There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.  The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. He then said, “It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”  The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”  “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer. 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from??? “Hey jerk! Speed kills!”, yells a young woman to the driver of a car passing by.

 

Answer: Halloween! In my humble opinion, “Halloween” is the best (or at the very least, most well-made) horror movie of all time. There’s no excuse for anyone to not know what this flick is about: Michael Myers kills his big sister when he’s 6, gets locked up for years, escapes when he’s 21 and returns “home” to kill some more people. It’s a lot better than I just made it sound, but again, you should already know this. Laurie Strode (Jaime Lee Curtis) is Mike’s sister, so naturally he has to kill her (and her friends Annie and Linda too – why not?). Early on, Annie yells this at the driver of a passing car thinking it’s Devon Graham (a classmate) behind the wheel. It isn’t. 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  In a heart to heart between mother and child – “He’s dead because mommy killed him.” – the mother tells her child this….

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

 What saying is shown below?

Fair ice cream

Impartial pudding

Honorable jelly

Righteous cake

 

ANSWER: Just desserts.  The adjectives for each of the desserts listed are all synonyms for “just”.

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

You are in a room that is an 8x8x8 perfect cube. There are no windows, or doors (don’t ask me how you got in there!) In the center of the floor there is a 12 inch pipe that is sticking 6 inches out of the floor. In the bottom of the pipe is a ping pong ball with a diameter that is one millimeter smaller than the inner diameter of the pipe. You have a 12 inch piece of string, a match, a magnifying glass, a 6″ ruler and a paper clip. How do you get the ping pong ball out of the hole?

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! 

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   http://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.

Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Tuesday May 14, 2013.  Mental Age Test …..   

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . 

 

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. 

 

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

 

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4.. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is git cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

 

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down .     

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

“A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they are not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone.” -Jimmy Fallon

“NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane.” -David Letterman

“Giant African land snails have been found in Florida and Texas. If you’re in Houston and you see a giant snail coming toward you, walk slowly for your life.” -Jimmy Kimmel

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, “Lost satellite contact.”  I wasn’t embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, “Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you.”

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???   “If all the corpses around here were to stand up all at once, we’d have one hell of a population problem.”

 

Answer: The Lost Boys! Mom moves the kids from good old Phoenix to the murder capital of the world – Santa Carla! The town has earned that title because of all the vampires hanging around there. In my opinion, “The Lost Boys” is easily one of the coolest movies ever made. By the way, Grandpa says this when Sam asks if they’ve just moved to the murder capital of the world. I know, I know – it isn’t really creepy.

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ”Hey jerk! Speed kills!”, yells a young woman to the driver of a car passing by.

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

You awake inside a small transparent capsule sitting on the surface of Venus. From a small speaker you hear a voice that says, “We will leave you here either for a day or a year. If you choose to stay a day, we will give you $1 million. If you choose to stay a year, we will give you $2 million. Either way, you will have sufficient food and water. We will make sure the temperature is a constant 70 degrees Fahrenheit. We will also supply cable TV.”

What is your choice? (Don’t let money decide your answer).

 

ANSWER:Choose to stay one year and win $2 million. Venus takes 243 Earth days to rotate on its axis, but it takes 225 Earth days to go around the sun. On Venus a day is longer than a year.

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

What saying is shown below?

Fair ice cream

Impartial pudding

Honorable jelly

Righteous cake

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   http://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Monday May 13, 2013.  You know you live in 2013 when…..   

1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave

 

2) you haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years

 

3) the real reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don’t have a screen name

 

4) you’d rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

 

6) your boss doesn’t even have the ability to do your job.

 

7) you read this list, and keep nodding and smiling

 

8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends

 

9) and…you were too busy to notice number 5.

 

10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no number 5

 

11) and now you’re laughing at yourself! 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

Sixth cup of coffee…I feel like Mario after he gets one of those bouncing, flashing stars.  - troyhud

Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys

into the door before the killer gets you  - troyhud

That awkward moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made sandwiches.  - troyhud

Nothing more awkward than singing happy birthday to a person whose name you don’t know.  - troyhud

I’ll be a millionaire once I’m done making this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet.  - troyhud

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.” The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too well. All 100 chickens died.” The neighbor said, “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.” Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.” Astounded, the neighbor asked, “What went wrong?” The new farmer said, “Well, I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or too close together.” 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  “I can feel myself rotting!” 

 

Answer: The Return of the Living Dead! “Return” finds a group of people fighting off zombies which turn up thanks to the opening of a mysterious military cannister (not sure what was in it, but it couldn’t have been good). The upper-half of a zombie they have strapped to a table says this (the rotting) is the reason zombies eat brains – apparently the rotting isn’t as bothersome during snack time. 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ”If all the corpses around here were to stand up all at once, we’d have one hell of a population problem.” 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What does this message say?

G T Y O R J O T E O U I A B G T

ANSWER: “Great Job You Got It”

 

This type of code is known as a Caesar Box (Julius Caesar was the first to write codes this way.) To decipher the message, simply divide the code into four groups of four (you can also divide them into groups such as 5 groups of 5 or 6 groups of 6 depending on the number of letters in the phrase), and rearrange them vertically like this…

G T Y O

R J O T

E O U I

A B G T

 

Then you read vertically column by column. 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

You awake inside a small transparent capsule sitting on the surface of Venus. From a small speaker you hear a voice that says, “We will leave you here either for a day or a year. If you choose to stay a day, we will give you $1 million. If you choose to stay a year, we will give you $2 million. Either way, you will have sufficient food and water. We will make sure the temperature is a constant 70 degrees Fahrenheit. We will also supply cable TV.”

What is your choice? (Don’t let money decide your answer).

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   http://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.  

Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Friday May 10, 2013.  Cemetery Music…..   

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music, no one is around, so he starts searching for the source. 

 

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads “Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827″. 

 

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! 

 

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him, by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. 

 

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. 

 

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar, when they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

 

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

 

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. 

 

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. 

 

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. 

 

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. 

 

“I would have thought it was obvious” the caretaker says.

*

*

*

*Wait for it! 

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

 

“He’s decomposing.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Mothers Day weekend people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

“A Texas man has fired the first-ever gun created by a 3-D printer. Which raises the question: Don’t you think a gun created by a printer would jam?” -Conan O’Brien

“The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, ‘That would be great if I had a job.’” -Dave Letterman

“A new study found that certain fish use sign language to communicate. Apparently they have a sign for everything  except for ‘big metal hook.’” -Jimmy Fallon

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 A woman walked into my father’s carpet store. She’d just moved out of her parents’ home and needed something for her new living-room floor. “Do you know how big the room is?” Dad asked. “Yes,” she said. “It’s 22 flip-flops long by 18 flip-flops wide…and I wear a size 8.”

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  “Fernando! Your mother ate my dog!”

 

Answer: Dead Alive! Ever since she was bitten by that weird rat-monkey looking creature at the zoo, Fernando’s mom just isn’t herself anymore – she has never had such a big appetite! In “Dead Alive”, said rat-monkey-thing causes a pretty bad zombie outbreak sort of situation, resulting in one of the goriest (and funniest) horror flicks I’ve ever seen. By the way, Peter Jackson was behind this classic.  

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? “I can feel myself rotting!” 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you decipher this?

Step Pets Pets

ANSWER: One step forward, two steps back.

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What does this message say?

G T Y O R J O T E O U I A B G T

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   http://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Thursday May 9, 2013.    

A.A.A.D.D. – - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

 

I decide to water my garden.

 

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

 

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

 

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

 

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

 

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

 

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

 

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I’d been drinking.

 

I’m going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

 

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye – the flowers need water.

 

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

 

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

 

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control someone left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

 

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:

 

The car isn’t washed,

 

The bills aren’t paid,

 

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface,

 

The flowers don’t have enough water,

 

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

 

I can’t find the remote,

 

I can’t find my glasses,

 

And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

 

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I’m really tired.

 

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…..

 

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.

 

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!      

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

“It is easier to stay out than get out.”

- Mark Twain

“Make yourself necessary to somebody. Do not make life hard to any.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

“The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it.”

- Edith Wharton

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk, on his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans, All the way home he putt-putted, by the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.,she again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge.

 

This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table, after assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”  To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  “Come to sweet Henrietta!”

 

Answer: Evil Dead 2! “Evil Dead 2″ starts out almost like a remake of the first film, but eventually changes course. This film finds our hero, Ash, once again at the remote cabin in the woods, this time with just his gal(the first flick had another couple along for the ride). He winds up losing his girlfriend to the evil spirits from the surrounding woods (he also has to replace one of his hands with a chainsaw because of them). Some other people show up and think he’s crazy (come on – it’s just Bruce Campbell). He tries to convince them of the evil spirits, but they don’t buy it and lock him in the cellar. When Ash gets locked in the cellar, Henrietta’s there to greet him.

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???  ”Fernando! Your mother ate my dog!” 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

In Animal world all the best competitors from all over the world are warming up for the big animal olympics.

The first olympic games is the 100 meter dash. Can you figure out who is which animal, and how they placed?

Names- Tina, Aaron, John, Jessica, and Jamie

Animals- dog, cat, horse, mouse, and monkey

Clues:

1. Aaron finished either 2nd or 3rd.

2. The animal that finished 2nd was the monkey.

3. Aaron is not a cat or mouse.

4. Jamie is not a cat or monkey.

5. Jamie did not finish 4th or 5th.

6. The animal that finished 4th is not the cat or dog.

7. Neither John nor Jessica finished 4th.

8. John is the horse.

9. Jessica finished in 3rd.

 

ANSWER: Tina-4th-mouse  Aaron-2nd-monkey  John-5th-horse  Jessica-3rd-cat   Jamie-1st-dog  

 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you decipher this?

Step Pets Pets

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO ONE OF OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. KIM HILLYARD.  WAY2GOKIM!  

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   http://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.